Blank Slate

It occurred to me (again) that like every other move……I have a completely blank slate with which I can define myself. Which begs the question, who do I want to become here? how do I want to grow and evolve in this radically new place and context?

Something I’m working through in therapy and wrestling with myself about is just that, I want a break. I want a break from US politics consuming most of my existence. I want to stop feeling like I have to fight all the time, for everything (which is difficult when I’m still fighting for things I need here, blindfolded, in a language I barely understand, alas). I want to stop feeling like the fate of the US is on my shoulders.

Because it’s really not. Despite what I was told growing up and my entire life of activism since, the fate of the US has never been on my shoulders. But I can’t un-learn 18 years of intense indoctrination and training for a culture war that is actually happening with only 6 years of therapy. Being a Soldier (of sorts) runs deep and is a key part of my identity (as much as I don’t want to admit it). I don’t think I’ll ever stop being an activist or organizer, I don’t want to stop entirely either. For instance, I’ll keep doing the podcast and tweeting, but I could focus more of my energy on other things.

I think what I really want (in addition to evicting the US from living rent free in my head 24/7), is to be present here. My neighborhood is literally being built from the ground up. Thousands of people will live inside 2 blocks of me and right now there’s empty storefronts (with housing on top!) and parks under construction and I can see over 30 cranes from my apartment windows. I want to be an active part of my Kiez. I want to feel like I belong here.

I want to be known for my neighborliness nachbarschaft and my art kunst.

an abstract painting with the lower 4th an uneven layer of blue/purple with the color being pulled up the rest of the canvas in columns accented with red and orange on a peach background. In the foreground are lines that resemble streetlights or cranes of various sizes on the horizon line between the solid blue/purple and the streaks upward.

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