Category: Evolution

  • Wash, Rinse, Dry, Repeat

    Life is a cycle. I keep finding myself surprised and not surprised at the similar feelings I’m having trying to establish myself in a new city country as I had when I was first trying to establish myself as an adult leaving conservative christianity. I didn’t really know how to get a job or find […]

  • Wants Are Good Too

    Wants Are Good Too

    I am actively choosing to prioritize myself and my health. Not just in the not-dying sense, but in the this-would-make-my-daily-life-easier sense. I’ve been working on this for years and progress is slow. It’s hard. There’s a voice in my head that’s extremely loud that tells me “you don’t really need that” anytime I think about […]

  • Nature (Trauma) is Healing

    Nature (Trauma) is Healing

    I’ve been experiencing a lot of headaches trying to do basic things like get my brain meds filled in Germany. There are rules like only certain types of general doctors can prescribe anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, only certain kinds of doctors can prescribe testosterone, and of course only psychiatrists can prescribe ADHD meds. On top […]

  • Blank Slate

    It occurred to me (again) that like every other move……I have a completely blank slate with which I can define myself. Which begs the question, who do I want to become here? how do I want to grow and evolve in this radically new place and context? Something I’m working through in therapy and wrestling […]

  • If you’re reading this, you’ve (basically) survived 2020

    As much as I am ready to be done with the last century of this year, I don’t even know how to start processing everything that’s happened. It’s been intense and every time I think about it, I immediately go think about something else because there is too much and building a railway in Minecraft […]

  • Ramifications

    Ramifications

    Just because the faith has been left and the arguments don’t hold up against basic questions, doesn’t mean that the roots of these beliefs went away.

  • More Feelings I Guess

    More Feelings I Guess

    On the interwebs I’ve been doing some of the goofy “it’s been a decade, what’s the then/now of __________” memes. The decade of hair is one of my faves. In a lot of ways I still struggle with feeling inadequate or incompetent because I feel behind my peers on so many levels. That sense of […]

  • Ballet

    As I’m laying in bed to write this I’m warding off an anxiety attack, nausea induced by adrenaline, and so much adrenaline. I started talking to myself a few minutes ago when I felt my body go tense and my chest tightened and I decided to take a hydroxyzine, take a hit, and use my […]

  • Talking About It

    I have been sick all year. I’ve been pretending I’m not because it’s the only coping mechanism I know and if I don’t stop doing things then I don’t feel pain and everything is fine. Until it isn’t. At some point I crash and my immune system disintegrates and I get sick with one thing […]

  • 10 years

    The 28th marks both my golden birthday and my 10th escape-versary. I’ve felt the amount of introspection and existential questioning I feel like most people reserve for their 30th, but this year feels more significant somehow. Ten years feels both like an eternity and also yesterday. I’ve spent a lot of time talking about where […]