Category: Evolution
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Immigrating is hard
I feel like I’m not allowed to acknowledge or complain or be frustrated about it because I chose to yeet myself across the ocean, but it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes it really sucks. I am in what feels to be a uniquely frustrating situation and I am trying my best to figure it…
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8 weeks off (some) meds
In January I talked about my decision to try going off of my meds. I stopped taking Buspar and Bupropion in February (I’m still taking Ritalin and Gabapentin). I’ve noticed my baseline level of upbeatness is a little lower, mostly replaced by fatigue (thanks, fibro) but otherwise I feel normal. There have been a few…
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Wash, Rinse, Dry, Repeat
Life is a cycle. I keep finding myself surprised and not surprised at the similar feelings I’m having trying to establish myself in a new city country as I had when I was first trying to establish myself as an adult leaving conservative christianity. I didn’t really know how to get a job or find…
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Wants Are Good Too
I am actively choosing to prioritize myself and my health. Not just in the not-dying sense, but in the this-would-make-my-daily-life-easier sense. I’ve been working on this for years and progress is slow. It’s hard. There’s a voice in my head that’s extremely loud that tells me “you don’t really need that” anytime I think about…
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Nature (Trauma) is Healing
I’ve been experiencing a lot of headaches trying to do basic things like get my brain meds filled in Germany. There are rules like only certain types of general doctors can prescribe anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, only certain kinds of doctors can prescribe testosterone, and of course only psychiatrists can prescribe ADHD meds. On top…
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Blank Slate
It occurred to me (again) that like every other move……I have a completely blank slate with which I can define myself. Which begs the question, who do I want to become here? how do I want to grow and evolve in this radically new place and context? Something I’m working through in therapy and wrestling…
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If you’re reading this, you’ve (basically) survived 2020
As much as I am ready to be done with the last century of this year, I don’t even know how to start processing everything that’s happened. It’s been intense and every time I think about it, I immediately go think about something else because there is too much and building a railway in Minecraft…
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Ramifications
Just because the faith has been left and the arguments don’t hold up against basic questions, doesn’t mean that the roots of these beliefs went away.
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More Feelings I Guess
On the interwebs I’ve been doing some of the goofy “it’s been a decade, what’s the then/now of __________” memes. The decade of hair is one of my faves. In a lot of ways I still struggle with feeling inadequate or incompetent because I feel behind my peers on so many levels. That sense of…
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Ballet
As I’m laying in bed to write this I’m warding off an anxiety attack, nausea induced by adrenaline, and so much adrenaline. I started talking to myself a few minutes ago when I felt my body go tense and my chest tightened and I decided to take a hydroxyzine, take a hit, and use my…