Tag goals

42 posts

More Feelings I Guess

On the interwebs I’ve been doing some of the goofy “it’s been a decade, what’s the then/now of __________” memes. The decade of hair is one of my faves.

In a lot of ways I still struggle with feeling inadequate or incompetent because I feel behind my peers on so many levels. That sense of sheer overwhelm I felt when I started writing here in 2009 hasn’t ever fully dissipated, it’s just (drastically) changed shape. I don’t know that it will ever go away and I’m beginning to think that this sense of existential anxiety is probably not uncommon.

The last 10 years have sort of gone as expected but in completely unexpected ways.

10 years ago when I imagined my adult life I envisioned a reality where I didn’t have kids (), had my uterus out (), went to college (-ish), traveled around the country and planet (½✓), lived in an apartment in a city (), made art (), found a sense of belonging (), continued doing grassroots organizing (), had a meaningful and healthy social life (), and was accepted and loved for who I am and would become (✓✓✓).

I didn’t set out to become an advocate for the rights of homeschooled children.
I didn’t intend to become so outspoken about my upbringing
(and I really hoped it wouldn’t ever be relevant).
I never imagined I would get divorced or become estranged, let alone go to trade school, and also experience ALL THE THINGS at school.
I didn’t know how extremely queer I was, let alone that I would start HRT.
After spending my years in Maine mostly outside of local politics, I didn’t expect to move to CA and dive into housing abundance and community organizing (though it shouldn’t really have surprised me).

Now, I find myself sitting in an alcove in the airbnb I’m staying at in Akron, Ohio after walking through the snow for several hours; thinking about what my next steps will be going into the new year and starting another decade. What changes await me in the next decade? Who will I grow into? What will I do? What do I want to do and become?

These existential questions have been hanging over me since I dropped out of school. I haven’t had a lot of the bandwidth to answer them, I’ve spent so much energy just trying to survive let alone map out an idea for my future. In September I confided in my therapist something I’ve been afraid to admit out loud which is that: I didn’t see a future of myself past the age of 30 or so.

Now that I’m in Akron again that’s starting to change. I’m getting glimpses of a future where I can be and not just survive but have the opportunity and bandwidth to grow and thrive and make art and be an activist without having to spend as much energy worrying about getting displaced or not being able to buy groceries.

What I want most in the next decade is to become financially secure (either by freelancing, growing my patreon, and/or finding a job with good health benefits); I want to do more writing (here, professionally, and more patreon exclusives) and make more art (I started an etsy, want to make more comics, and get back into filmmaking); improve my health and get better at this low FODMAP thing (and start making resources around it, because let’s be honest, I can’t not); I want to learn spanish and brush up on my ASL; I want to continue to organize for change in whatever ways I can (because organizing is like breathing and I live for it).

I don’t know what the next year, let alone the next decade, is going to hold. I don’t know if we’ll have a habitable planet or a recognizable country by the end of it; but I’m taking comfort in the knowledge that I have friends and chosen family all over the world – I’m not alone, I bring passion and experience to improve wherever I inhabit and share with everyone I can, I will continue to trust my instincts and be guided by kindness and empathy.

I’m entering 2020 in a better place than I entered the 2010s. I will do everything in my power to enter the 2030s in the same way.

Updates and Life and Stuff

1) Kickstarter Project:
I have everything done and ready for submission except the video. I was going to film over the weekend, but we had to go back to the drawing board. I feel kind of bad about it, like I should just do it – but it’s kind of the most important piece and I want to take my time making it as perfect as I can get it, because that’s what I want to do (and try to do) for the web-show I’m asking money for. I need to stop being my own worst enemy here, and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to make it awesome.
2) Direction:
Every few months or so, I have this thing, where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or if it’s even worth anything. Occasionally, within those moments, I have enough clarity to actually think about what I want to do with my life (after I’ve decided that living the way I want to, on my terms, and letting my heart and intuition guide me is worth it after all) and make some kind of weird this-is-where-I-want-to-be-one-year-from-now note in my art journal. Writing important truths and epiphanies in ink is an important part of my process. If I want something to stick, I write it down, physically – this somehow cements the idea/goal/vision/plan/hope/dream in my mind, so I don’t have to look it up all the time; it becomes etched and as permanent as a tattoo for as long as I need it to be or until it’s accomplished.
Big picture aside (currently secret, because I see it clearly but I’m not feeling brave enough to say it out loud until like, more than a day has passed since dreaming it up, I guess) these are the most prominent bullet points of my plan:

  • learn photoshop
  • draw every day, no exceptions
  • post a comic regularly

Unrelated to secret-dream-goal, I’m also intending on working out every-other-day for actually this time. Today, so far, has been a success in both areas.
3) Details:
I’m learning photoshop at the moment through CG Cookie. I guess I’m actually learning more about concept design than photoshop at this point. I need a THIS IS THAT THING, HERE’S HOW YOU USE IT tutorial so I can open it without feeling like crying when I can’t find the pour tool or a basic brush.
I’m going to make myself use photoshop every day this week, for several hours – even if all the art I make on it is crap (I’ve felt that way about all my art lately, it’s a thing, I guess it’s a good sign) I’ll at least be better at it by Friday than I was today, right?
My subject this week, is Tendo Choi from Pacific Rim. If you haven’t seen my other Pacific Rim comic, check it out.

Stuff and Things

Well I didn’t make it into the next round of the Geek and Sundry Vlogs. All of the voter contributions were wonderful (and thank you so much)! I just must not have been what they were looking for. Still, It was worth trying, even in just learning the amount of people that I’ve been able to reach and meet and people who really like what I do.
I decided before I even applied that regardless I’ll still continue KieryGeek – and since then, I’ve been brainstorming and I think you’ll be excited about some of the things that are currently ruminating in my head. I’ll do another video later this month when I have a couple things nailed down, explaining it all, and then we’ll be back in time for PAX Prime (which I am ridiculously excited about going to).

I finished part one of The Acceptance Chronicles. < Part one meaning: I have more. I actually have a lot of plans and ideas on the comic front as well. Currently I have so many ideas for so many things that I need to just wait for them to organize themselves. It’s nice to finally have drawn something though, after not being able to draw or write or anything due to the stress and lack of sleep over the last few weeks.
Thankfully, it seems the tides are turning. I’m getting back into the swing of things, and chopped off my hair (so now my Elizabeth Cosplay will look much more Elizabeth-y) which boosted my (previously dangerously low) confidence up by +20.
It’s just the overtired fuzz that I need to get rid of now.

Paring Down (and other thoughts)

I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.

journalI have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not the thing I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.

I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.

This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.

Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.

Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.

Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.

 

Best Laid Plans

Are in my notes app.
short term plans
Mini meltdowns and overload of thoughts generally = focus and plans in the aftermath. I guess I’ve honed the skill of turning breakdowns into something useful over the years. The overwhelmingly trapped feeling gives way to “fuck it, I’m going to do some stuff, and I’m going to write it down so I KNOW”. So, that’s that. March and April seems to be the time that happens for me, lately. I don’t know why exactly, but I’d be willing to bet that the sudden feeling of living in a perpetual winter or perpetual deadness (no leafs or flowers get old) has something to do with it. Growing up in perpetual spring and summer makes the never-ending winter scary I think. I never know when to put coats away, or when it’ll stop being monochromatic. I know there’s green in June, but any time before that is sketchy and does weird things to my psyche.

Change

Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.
I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.
I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.
I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.
I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.
I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).
Make it so.

 

New Things and Accomplishments

Last year, around this time, I made a list of 21 things I wanted to do (because I turned 21):
212012
 
I’m really proud of myself for getting so much of it done! This year I just put down a lot of things I wanted to do between 2.28.13 and 2.28.14:
2013things
 
“old things” are things maybe I started doing last year, or wanted to do and hadn’t done; “new things” are things that I haven’t put on a list or done before or in a really long time. I want to remind myself to read more, I maybe finished one or two books last year, so one a month would be a good starting point.
I bought pink dye (Manic Panic: cotton candy) at Newbury on Saturday, so I can haz pink hairs whenever it won’t interfere with continuity, and piercings when it won’t interfere with continuity (but I didn’t pre-buy the earrings ;)). I have tickets to Friday and Sunday of PAX East! I’m 2 levels away from hitting cap, I’ve finished 1 of 12 books, started learning Ruby via Team Treehouse, and playing with Rum and Coke – Gin and Vermouth are next on the list.
*This list currently excludes film/production related goals such as: become an epic makeup artist, costumer extraordinaire, and killer actress.
2013, I AM IN YOU (you know, 2 months late, but it’s my birthday, and the year doesn’t start until 2.28, right? we can pretend…)
 

Sea Buckthorn and etc

I took the week off of face stuff last week, and gave my skin a rest. Also, I was tired of poking my eyes so frequently (and I was hoping for the acne to quell). A friend of mine recommended some Sea Buckthorn oil, and while I was at whole foods over the weekend (to find ingredients for epic pork wellington)I thought I’d look in their oils/skin care/body section for Sea Buckthorn.
I tested the oil sample, and upon arriving home found that it did actually seem to help my skin – this awful cat scratch finally started healing and my breakout started to diminish. I ended up buying Sea Buckthorn Cream Body Wash – and used that on my face and skin today, and it was wonderful!

I love having a natural go-to for skin care, and I found one that really seems to work – especially for acne prone oily faces like mine. Almost like the lemon-honey toning mixture I made, and they work in tandem well. I’m hoping that I’m not just like super excited, but my face does seem clearer and more even. Also, it comes from citrus, which is great and reminds me a little bit of Florida, where I grew up and makes me happy. Tropical fruits ftw!
For the next 4 weeks I’ll be doing a tone up with another friend of mine and you can follow along by watching her blog or my tumblr. MWF are my Sculpting days, and TTS are my Cardio with a rest or whatever-i-wanna-do on a Sunday, which most likely still involves lots of walking. I’m using Fitocracy to carry my workout details, and my fitblr for steps/cardio/cals etc. I’m doing my days opposite Kahleesi for funs.
I might do more than one outfit post this week, depending on how I feel, because I just put together this wicked adorbs outfit with leather shorts and I feel like a super hero, I just have to apply makeup to go-with. It’s been ridiculously cold, so if I can stay in my warm pj’s, I have; which isn’t conducive to makeup.
I have been making a new list for this year, because my birthday is next week. I don’t think I’m going to come up with 22 unless I can come up with them naturally. I pushed for 21 last year and it was less fun that way. I have 18 things right now, I think, and I’m excited about all of them. We’ll see how well I do. I’ve done all but 2 or 3 from last year – some intentional, because some of those (like intrinsic value) are more of a life journey than something that can be achieved in a year, and others because of filming continuity (no piercings or tattoos yet).
I will watch some tutorials on HOW TO APPLY EYELINER WITHOUT POKING YOUR EYES OUT WITH EYELINER because that gets old, and I did that like 3 times while getting ready for our Valentines dinner at the Sea Grass Bistro – where I had foodgasms for the first time and it rocked my world.
Lamb chop with mint infused honey felt like a hug on my tongue. No idea that could happen.
I need to do some more cleaning – and sweep my floors because borked roomba is borked and having work space for stuff helps. But I’m strangely lacking the motivation as I’m on a bit of a WoW kick and leveling quicker than I have in a while – admittedly, all of twice, but I’m almost 87 and I only got to 86 a day or two ago, so that’s getting me closer to my goal of hitting cap.

Starting Out Of Order

Sometimes I feel strange because all of the major life events happened to me before the normal life stuff. I graduated at 15, which I thought was cool at the time. I find myself now, questioning whether or not I was actually ready then. A lot of the outside-of-school skills most people learn in high school, I didn’t learn until after I was married. I don’t feel like I earned graduating that early, which might have something to do with finding out I graduated after getting home from a trip and expecting I had to catch up on math before that was even an option. It was welcome and as far as transcripts are concerned, I graduated with over 30 credits, but deep down inside, I don’t trust it. I don’t trust the education I gave myself because I feel so ill-equipped in real life, with people, and jobs, and not homemaking.
If I grew into the adult I was raised to be, I’d probably be pregnant or have a child by now, I’d be cooking meals and taking care of spawn or becoming a planet and looking at homeschool curricula. I would feel perfectly capable, maybe.
But I’m not that person.
I’m a geek who doesn’t get math jokes unless they involve pie – I don’t know what the Mandelbrot set is, but I like the song. I didn’t have an actual or good job experience until after I was married, when I was 18 (the one job I had in high school lasted a month, but it had nothing to do with me).
I’ve slowly been realizing that all the bad things I was told happen to marriages where women have jobs that involve being outside the 4 walls of their home haven’t happened, and are mostly lies.
At 21, sometimes it feels weird to have crossed all the major check points and still feel woefully inadequate, inexperienced, and ill-equipped.  But maybe everyone feels that way if they’re doing the things they like doing?
Everything I’ve done, I’ve been learning as I go – and I have no formal training or anything, I read a lot of blogs from people who’ve been there, I research things I’m unsure or curious about, and I spend a lot of time doing. Which explains a lot of my failed attempts at successful etsy business-ing, but also my successes as data entry specialist and now web administrator for local non profits (child of the internet, ftw).
When I remind myself how far I’ve come and the things I do, I can sometimes remember to be confident. But the struggles I face in my brain just doing simple things and relating – I second guess myself too much, I over think and spend hours inside my head replaying events and hoping I didn’t sound stupid or boring or anything, sometimes I’m almost frozen with insecurities and I never used to be.
But I love the things I do, and I love the opportunities and the friends and experiences and everything that’s so new and exciting that’s happened over just the last 5 months. I love that I get to work with non profits doing things I’ve been acquiring skills for (unwittingly) since high school, I love I get to make videos and that people like to see them, I love that I get to play new games and try new things every Thursday, and I love that I’m actually part of a community.
So maybe it’s normal, when you’re flooded with things that you like doing and opportunities to make money and get help and feedback from people while doing them, to feel insecure. Maybe it’s normal to feel ill-equipped because things are moving faster than you imagined. Maybe it’s normal to be a little scared and dizzy. Maybe that’s all okay.

KieryGeek Preproduction Note 4: I'm Done with Preproduction!

Well, at least the part that involves all the season set up. I’ll have ongoing preproduction forever, and I still need to memorize my script and take some gaming footage, but earlier this week I sent out the emails I needed to send out – which was the last thing on my list of things to line up before filming!
I feel much more relaxed with all of that out of the way. I was really annoyed at myself in July because life happened and I didn’t get to where I wanted in the time frame I dreamed up, that was unfortunately unrealistic. With work starting back up next month, I think the new more flexible timeframe is going to be better for everyone, and with amazing awesome guests every other week, I don’t expect there to be much complaining.
My biggest question right now is: with the youtube channel, and the cafepress store launched, should I make a separate facebook page for KieryGeek, or should I continue to keep all the general updates under Kiery’s Fake Empire?