I’ve been wanting needing to get my uterus out for years. I have talked to so many doctors about this, and about sterilization before that. I will document the process that I went through to get here later, but the big news is:
Monday, July 30th, 2018, at 9:30am I will be undergoing a total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy which in english means: it’s all coming out. No ovaries, no cervix, no uterus. GONE.
Gone and donated to science but maybe I will ask for a picture or something to burn later.
On Thursday, I’ll be meeting with the surgeon and sometime after that talking to the anesthesia people about what I need to do to prepare.
Guess I’ll just start off with a list of Things I’ve Done this year and then talk about how I feel about them/the world in general, because holy fuck 2016.
This time last year I’d just enrolled at North Seattle and was starting ABE where I learned I’m actually good at math and I learn quickly, I thrive in school, I am Hermoine, and I aced writing while I did it.
uh, i got divorced and moved to California. Sometimes I feel like it’s somehow less valid because we’re still friends and still care about eachother deeply, it was just time for me to go and explore the things I needed to, to find myself.
I went to Burning Man and found myself. That was when I realized the truth about my trans-ness that I’d been fighting for so long didn’t need to be hidden anymore. That it was worth acknowledging that and doing with that….whatever I needed to.
I got swindled out of a home & I’m still fighting to get the deposit back, and also started and quit a job in a month because burn out.
I kinda help East Bay Forward run a little bit now.
I started Therapy, and that was a really fucking great decision. I feel like I’m finally starting to heal some of the bits I was too afraid to touch before.
I started HRT. Asian Pacific Wellness Center in San Francisco if you’re trans, poor, and uninsured. Also if you’re trans and fine and insured. They’re wonderful. I got a blood test (to check for HEP A&B immunity) and started T in the same week (!informed consent!). They have a sliding scale and I literally paid nothing for my shots. <3 <3
I traveled out of the Country for the first time. I’m on Holiday in Mex. resting a bit before wandering out to watch the fireworks. It’s beautiful here, and also everyone thinks I’m a local and then I disappoint them by not knowing Spanish very well.
I met some amazing people and love so many people and grew my chosen family by a lot.
Things I learned, or proved to myself, or things:
I am really fucking strong. On a lot of levels. Impressively, I’m actually strong physically which I learned at Burning Man when I was carrying metal around like it was nothing and single handedly holding up parts of a geodeisic dome. But also, I’m just actually a strong human. I’ve been through so fucking much, and the last year has had me scared shitless because I faced so many things for the first time: being on my own, being almost homeless, not having any other income to rely on than my own, getting on MediCal, starting a small claims case, figuring out T….
Transitioning is a good idea. I’ve never felt this much myself before. I have a body that is a barrier between me and the outside world and I have starting and endpoints, my body is….less of a prison now and more…mine? other things include feeling emotions infinitely more intensely but being able to handle them and push through things. I have so much more ability now, I feel like I’m the version of myself I really needed this year. The version of me that is wholly myself and seen.
I’ve been through a lot of legitimately hard shit and it’s okay to feel that.
I am valid as I am, and no one can take that from me
I am actually fast at learning
I can actually do anything and do it well – or at least well enough to get by
I’m really bad at asking for help, and I’m not that much better at taking care of myself
my needs are important too
Things I want/to do/etc in 2017
To be financially stable – because my credit score is sad and debt is not cool, but at least soon all of my health things will be covered including therapy, so that will make it easier
To get back into school, take more math and writing and science – I qualify for in-state tuition on June 8, assuming we still exist then.
Get some (paid) articles published
Take charge on a lot more things
Make art regularly
Fight Fascism where I find it (lately every time hate speech occurs at my bart stop I’ve been cleaning it up. I’d like to do more)
Get into photography/filmmaking again and scultping
Go to Burning Man
Go to 34C3
Do more professional writing
Actually make those projects I keep meaning to
Bike more and get less scared of rodes
Things I really want but probably won’t happen:
A smol floofy doge.
loving, healthy, autonomous relationships
taking care of myself
chocolate therapy ice cream with sprinkles after therapy
The first quarter of sort of college is almost over, and I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut of sleep – school – sleep and like I’m not getting anything much done (besides school, which totally counts). So last night I wrote down some of my priorities, to help focus and get out of said rut. Whether or not that will actually work, we’ve yet to see, because I still feel like living under the blankets until class and then going back to bed. Although I did manage to flesh out the design for my next tattoo last night, so that was something.
I’m hoping I can crank out some comics for E.R.A. over the two week break between quarters so I can get back into that, hoping to also finish the js course on code academy and start on making a crawler. I also need to take the english placement test to see if I can start at college level english next quarter, and get some more canvasses so I can finish the series to submit to the Gender Odyssey conference this fall.
My school is paying for me to go to a LGBTQ summit for college students at the end of the month so maybe I’ll do something with my hair before that too.
What I really need to do is break things down into bite-sized chunks for the daytime hours, but I haven’t had the energy to do that yet. Right now weekends are my making stuff time – The Sims4 Series, and hopefully drawing and programming…but I really should work some of those into week days.
Right now I feel kind of like, I know generally what I want to do with my life, but I’m not sure how to do all of it. It’s a bit overwhelming and I think maybe that’s why my body is set on knocking me out until class and then crashing again. So many options, my school alone has so many things going on that it’s super overwhelming and I think maybe I just need to loosen my grip a little and see where it takes me.
Oh, and my birthday happened! I was in San Francisco for it and it was lovely.
So far, 25 has been emotionally intense, but good, I think. So many plans, and ideas, and things that I can’t quite make tangible yet…and a lot of creative energy that I don’t have the physical energy to express.
I have everything done and ready for submission except the video. I was going to film over the weekend, but we had to go back to the drawing board. I feel kind of bad about it, like I should just do it – but it’s kind of the most important piece and I want to take my time making it as perfect as I can get it, because that’s what I want to do (and try to do) for the web-show I’m asking money for. I need to stop being my own worst enemy here, and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to make it awesome.
Every few months or so, I have this thing, where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or if it’s even worth anything. Occasionally, within those moments, I have enough clarity to actually think about what I want to do with my life (after I’ve decided that living the way I want to, on my terms, and letting my heart and intuition guide me is worth it after all) and make some kind of weird this-is-where-I-want-to-be-one-year-from-now note in my art journal. Writing important truths and epiphanies in ink is an important part of my process. If I want something to stick, I write it down, physically – this somehow cements the idea/goal/vision/plan/hope/dream in my mind, so I don’t have to look it up all the time; it becomes etched and as permanent as a tattoo for as long as I need it to be or until it’s accomplished.
Big picture aside (currently secret, because I see it clearly but I’m not feeling brave enough to say it out loud until like, more than a day has passed since dreaming it up, I guess) these are the most prominent bullet points of my plan:
draw every day, no exceptions
post a comic regularly
Unrelated to secret-dream-goal, I’m also intending on working out every-other-day for actually this time. Today, so far, has been a success in both areas.
I’m learning photoshop at the moment through CG Cookie. I guess I’m actually learning more about concept design than photoshop at this point. I need a THIS IS THAT THING, HERE’S HOW YOU USE IT tutorial so I can open it without feeling like crying when I can’t find the pour tool or a basic brush.
I’m going to make myself use photoshop every day this week, for several hours – even if all the art I make on it is crap (I’ve felt that way about all my art lately, it’s a thing, I guess it’s a good sign) I’ll at least be better at it by Friday than I was today, right?
My subject this week, is Tendo Choi from Pacific Rim. If you haven’t seen my other Pacific Rim comic, check it out.
Well I didn’t make it into the next round of the Geek and Sundry Vlogs. All of the voter contributions were wonderful (and thank you so much)! I just must not have been what they were looking for. Still, It was worth trying, even in just learning the amount of people that I’ve been able to reach and meet and people who really like what I do.
I decided before I even applied that regardless I’ll still continue KieryGeek – and since then, I’ve been brainstorming and I think you’ll be excited about some of the things that are currently ruminating in my head. I’ll do another video later this month when I have a couple things nailed down, explaining it all, and then we’ll be back in time for PAX Prime (which I am ridiculously excited about going to).
I finished part one of The Acceptance Chronicles. < Part one meaning: I have more. I actually have a lot of plans and ideas on the comic front as well. Currently I have so many ideas for so many things that I need to just wait for them to organize themselves. It’s nice to finally have drawn something though, after not being able to draw or write or anything due to the stress and lack of sleep over the last few weeks.
Thankfully, it seems the tides are turning. I’m getting back into the swing of things, and chopped off my hair (so now my Elizabeth Cosplay will look much more Elizabeth-y) which boosted my (previously dangerously low) confidence up by +20.
It’s just the overtired fuzz that I need to get rid of now.
I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.
I have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not thething I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.
I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.
This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.
Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.
Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.
Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.
Mini meltdowns and overload of thoughts generally = focus and plans in the aftermath. I guess I’ve honed the skill of turning breakdowns into something useful over the years. The overwhelmingly trapped feeling gives way to “fuck it, I’m going to do some stuff, and I’m going to write it down so I KNOW”. So, that’s that. March and April seems to be the time that happens for me, lately. I don’t know why exactly, but I’d be willing to bet that the sudden feeling of living in a perpetual winter or perpetual deadness (no leafs or flowers get old) has something to do with it. Growing up in perpetual spring and summer makes the never-ending winter scary I think. I never know when to put coats away, or when it’ll stop being monochromatic. I know there’s green in June, but any time before that is sketchy and does weird things to my psyche.
Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.
I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.
I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.
I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.
I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.
I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).
Last year, around this time, I made a list of 21 things I wanted to do (because I turned 21):
I’m really proud of myself for getting so much of it done! This year I just put down a lot of things I wanted to do between 2.28.13 and 2.28.14:
“old things” are things maybe I started doing last year, or wanted to do and hadn’t done; “new things” are things that I haven’t put on a list or done before or in a really long time. I want to remind myself to read more, I maybe finished one or two books last year, so one a month would be a good starting point.
I bought pink dye (Manic Panic: cotton candy) at Newbury on Saturday, so I can haz pink hairs whenever it won’t interfere with continuity, and piercings when it won’t interfere with continuity (but I didn’t pre-buy the earrings ;)). I have tickets to Friday and Sunday of PAX East! I’m 2 levels away from hitting cap, I’ve finished 1 of 12 books, started learning Ruby via Team Treehouse, and playing with Rum and Coke – Gin and Vermouth are next on the list.
*This list currently excludes film/production related goals such as: become an epic makeup artist, costumer extraordinaire, and killer actress.
2013, I AM IN YOU (you know, 2 months late, but it’s my birthday, and the year doesn’t start until 2.28, right? we can pretend…)
I took the week off of face stuff last week, and gave my skin a rest. Also, I was tired of poking my eyes so frequently (and I was hoping for the acne to quell). A friend of mine recommended some Sea Buckthorn oil, and while I was at whole foods over the weekend (to find ingredients for epic pork wellington)I thought I’d look in their oils/skin care/body section for Sea Buckthorn.
I tested the oil sample, and upon arriving home found that it did actually seem to help my skin – this awful cat scratch finally started healing and my breakout started to diminish. I ended up buying Sea Buckthorn Cream Body Wash – and used that on my face and skin today, and it was wonderful!
I love having a natural go-to for skin care, and I found one that really seems to work – especially for acne prone oily faces like mine. Almost like the lemon-honey toning mixture I made, and they work in tandem well. I’m hoping that I’m not just like super excited, but my face does seem clearer and more even. Also, it comes from citrus, which is great and reminds me a little bit of Florida, where I grew up and makes me happy. Tropical fruits ftw!
For the next 4 weeks I’ll be doing a tone up with another friend of mine and you can follow along by watching her blog or my tumblr. MWF are my Sculpting days, and TTS are my Cardio with a rest or whatever-i-wanna-do on a Sunday, which most likely still involves lots of walking. I’m using Fitocracy to carry my workout details, and my fitblr for steps/cardio/cals etc. I’m doing my days opposite Kahleesi for funs.
I might do more than one outfit post this week, depending on how I feel, because I just put together this wicked adorbs outfit with leather shorts and I feel like a super hero, I just have to apply makeup to go-with. It’s been ridiculously cold, so if I can stay in my warm pj’s, I have; which isn’t conducive to makeup.
I have been making a new list for this year, because my birthday is next week. I don’t think I’m going to come up with 22 unless I can come up with them naturally. I pushed for 21 last year and it was less fun that way. I have 18 things right now, I think, and I’m excited about all of them. We’ll see how well I do. I’ve done all but 2 or 3 from last year – some intentional, because some of those (like intrinsic value) are more of a life journey than something that can be achieved in a year, and others because of filming continuity (no piercings or tattoos yet).
I will watch some tutorials on HOW TO APPLY EYELINER WITHOUT POKING YOUR EYES OUT WITH EYELINER because that gets old, and I did that like 3 times while getting ready for our Valentines dinner at the Sea Grass Bistro – where I had foodgasms for the first time and it rocked my world.
Lamb chop with mint infused honey felt like a hug on my tongue. No idea that could happen.
I need to do some more cleaning – and sweep my floors because borked roomba is borked and having work space for stuff helps. But I’m strangely lacking the motivation as I’m on a bit of a WoW kick and leveling quicker than I have in a while – admittedly, all of twice, but I’m almost 87 and I only got to 86 a day or two ago, so that’s getting me closer to my goal of hitting cap.