I’ve been dealing with very bad hormonal imbalance since March of last year. It goes up and down depending on how much ability I have to ignore it and how long I can go before taking handfuls of supplements every day starts to wear on me.
The last couple months (including the last 10 days) I’ve started reaching my threshold again – being really tired of having to put up with vanishing for what feels like half a month every month because my body takes over and I become a grumpy-as-hell-bitch-who-feels-sick-alot-and-doesn’t-want-to-be-with-people which is the complete opposite of my normal personality. I haven’t been as good with remembering my vitamins since June when I restocked on supplements and went on vacation and my schedule’s been shifty since.
Now, I think half of the reason I’m not taking them is out of spite and because a bit of my subconscious thinks it can force itself into balancing hormonally by sheer willpower.
I have severe PMS which I internalize because when I forget to keep it locked up, I end up hurting people. The problem is, it’s residual and starts when I ovulate, which is much too early. I feel like I only have 2 weeks a month where I’m myself and I try to get as much done as possible because the rest of the time I feel like I’m basically debilitated and my brain doesn’t want to function and I’m out of energy.
I start questioning any and all of my abilities including my ability to work – and no matter how many times I prove to myself that I can maintain enough brain function to work and produce a web series while not feeling well (as long as I don’t push myself too much physically) I still question and it mentally freezes me. I feel completely useless because I don’t have the energy to basic things like that pile of smelly dishes (because I have to save the energy for other things).
More importantly, I become depressed and stop seeing myself as human. I’m at that point now. I think I could deal with most of the crap my body and pms throws at me if it weren’t for that one threshold I always cross; every month, to varying degrees of worse-ness.
On the off-chance that I have a particularly calm day, I start to worry that I’m going back to last year, when I was in a constant state of PMS but with no period to make it go away for 6 months at a time, until I figured out how to trigger it (black cohosh).
So I’m in a constant horrible spiral of wanting to get better and not be miserable, but then getting scared when I have a good day during those two-weeks-of-death because of fear I might be regressing.
hate *loathe* that my hormones and body have this much control over me. And it makes feel awful. I hate myself right now, so very very much because I can’t fix it. I’m so tired of taking things that only sort of work and even then it’s still horrid. I hate myself because as hard as I try to keep a lid on the horror raging within, I can’t do it all the time and I lash out at Alex and I’m mean without intending to be. I return his concern with harshness because I have too many things to process inside to answer simple questions in a way that isn’t full of complete annoyance.
I’m depressed because I can’t stop this feeling that half of my life is spent not bring me, and not living, because I can’t.
I have a physical this month, and I don’t even know where to start or how to mention this but I half feel like I should, and half feel like it’s my burden to deal with for the rest of my life and the world would be better off not knowing.
Excuse me while I go live under a rock for until I feel like coming out again.