Tag hormones

5 posts

COVID Log 4

One day soon I will have the bandwidth to sit down and write out the things that are stirring me lately, but in the meantime here’s the cliffnotes of the last since April, I guess.

The neighborhood group I’ve been organizing with since Shelter in Place started, Alice Street Mutual Aid, had a really successful food drive a couple weeks ago! 

I spent about two weeks organizing it with my neighbors. Everyone who participated was really touched and grateful both to have something concrete to do and also to have an immediate need met. I got to meet some of the folks I’ve been working with on slack and seeing on my screen for weeks in person (safely, masked, 6′ away), and it was so lovely.

If this is something you have the capacity or desire to do and want to talk about how to make happen I’m always down to talk shop, just leave a comment/send a message/DM me on twitter.


I stepped down from CRHE (and wrote about it, of course) to give myself room to grow. I’ve been focusing lately on my work on the ground, working with my Tenant’s Union, ASMA, East Bay for Everyone, and doing mutual aid work wherever I can.


My partner and I made history (on 6/9) by becoming one of the first nonbinary trans couples to get a Registered Domestic Partnership in CA. Up until Jan 1 of this year, in order to get a Domestic Partnership in CA you had to be same-sex. Sen. Scott Wiener (the same senator who authored the law that allowed me to change my gender marker to X on my license in Jan 2019) authored the bill to change the law so it’s not a question even asked anymore, which meeeeeeeeeans

We have all the rights of a married couple recognized by the State of California in areas such as: healthcare (and taxes and etc). A Registered Domestic Partnership is different than a marriage (legally) in that it is easier to undo and not federally recognized, so we’ll cross that tax bridge with an accountant when we get there.

On my ever growing list of topics to write about is how an RDP is different from being married for me, and how it’s healing and also an example of how our social structure is fucked up but the meaningful part of this is:

Neither of us have to worry about our families of origin having any say over our healthcare if bad things happen, AND more importantly that also means *drumroll*

I have access to Kaiser’s trans clinic. 

These last several months have been legit nightmare mode for HRT + my general health. I feel terrible and am so tired, but I found a doctor at Kaiser who seems like a good fit and Kaiser just blanket covers the kinds of HRT I have been fighting so hard to get for the last 2+ years. I’m overwhelmed and relieved.


As Shelter In Place continues I feel so listless. I miss going places, I miss making plans and then doing the plans. I miss being around people. I miss hugging my friends. I’m grieving because given how poorly “reopening” has gone I don’t know if I’ll be able to see friends outside of my immediate vicinity or even leave my city before next March.

Along with the existential dread, my depression is making a comeback which I think is related to the fact that I stopped taking bupropion to start Straterra in February. Straterra has been super helpful in enabling me to actually get anything done during these plague times, but trazodone is not strong enough for the depression and CPTSD flares that come with being a responsible human bean in the middle of a pandemic.

A lot in my life is looking up right now, despite the plague, but it feels so distant. All the things I usually do to help feel pointless and hollow; which is a sign to me that I’ve kept depression at bay on my own for as long as I can and it’s time to get help for it. Thankfully tomorrow is my first appt with the new Kaiser doctor so hopefully we can figure something out.

Permission to rest

I’ve been sick with a cold-like-thing for almost two weeks, the symptoms themselves aren’t horrid, it’s just that I have no energy and end up completely exhausted after doing one thing that involves moving around.
Last week I had a physical and a pap smear which was exciting. Good news is: my BMI is good and my physical went smashingly, I got to talk to someone about my hormonal issues and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants (which is good! progress!). Bad news: I still have a cold, pap smear was painful, and antidepressants make me dizzy.
I’ve been subconsciously stressed which doesn’t help. What happens is, when I’m sick I feel bad for two reasons: one, I’m sick, and secondly, because I don’t have enough energy or the ability to live up to the expectations I have of myself, or the plans that I have.
I can barely wash dishes right now without exhausting myself, but I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to meet with people I generally meet with, or do things I generally do, or function at as high a capacity as I want to.
I feel bad because it’s been so long and I still have no energy and feel bad and it happened right after I had already felt bad due to hormones, so I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything for about a month, which sends me back into the guilt spiral which makes me feel worse psychologically and physically (and the two are so closely related in my body, it’s not even funny).
I really want to do things, and go places, and I’m so tired of not feeling well and not being able to, but that’s not changing unless I can rest and not subconsciously stress about it.
So, I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me (and mostly, my patience to myself – but I’m so relieved when I realize I’m not letting anyone down, because I don’t want to let people down. unless I am, if I am, I’m SO SORRY! o.O) – I’m trying to get better but I think in that I’m making it worse. I’m already starting to stress about the next KieryGeek episode because it primarily depends on whether or not I can get to Salem this weekend and I need to stop.
I need to just give myself a break and not make myself feel obligated to do things, even though I badly badly want to.

I did the bare minimum of things today. Nothing really seemed to go right and I couldn’t get out of my head. Hormones and PTSD are starting to get to me and I just want to hide and snuggle and maybe pig out on chocolate.
So right now I’m drinking snapple, watching cartoons, and have chocolate covered raisins, oreos, and chips within my reach. I’m finding myself lacking in motivation for WoW and just getting frustrated with the lack of being able to fly. I should play dragon age II, but I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of handling the storyline (which is my favorite part of the game), light stuff is on the menu for me.
I hate how I am when I’m like this. Snappy and frustrated and nothing seems to fix it.
I’m tired.

TMI Thursday: hormonal imbalance

Most of the people who know me/read here know or picked up on the whole my-hormones-are-not-really-right thing that I’ve been dealing with since March. It’s been kind of painful, and I was trying a variety of herbs and supplements – but I really suck at remembering to take more than one thing every day. So in June I emailed a hormone specialist my mother-in-law recommended because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was mood-swingy and in pain and sick feeling and it just sort of sucked. So she told me what I already knew – my hormones were *really* imbalanced and suggested that I try a double-strength progesterone cream and some calcium, magnesium, and evening primrose stuff.
I took a normal strength brand of Progesterone cream for 3 weeks and just tripled the dose until the kind she recommended came in, and that was actually starting to work pretty well – I was able to lose some of the weight that I gained over the last couple months (ugh) and my face was clearing up and my mood was getting back to normal. But then I stopped for the prescribed week to see if my system would reboot itself and the last 3 weeks progress just sort of vanished. So my mother-in-law called them for me (I wasn’t anywhere near feeling good enough to talk to people on the phone without freaking out) and sent me the information they gave her – which was thankfully that I can keep taking the cream as long as I need to until my hormones regulate and I can take it as soon as I start feeling sick again.  So I started taking the new cream that day, and I’m still waiting for it to kick back in again, it’s been 2 weeks. My face is just now starting to clear…sort of and my weight is fluctuating again – I’m closer to 126 (which is what I weighed when I started working out) than 130 today (which is what I’ve been bloating to since then :P) so that’s progress.
What’s not cool is that I ended up with a charlie horse or something today going down a step and now I’m walking weird (so mostly keeping to the chair). 😛 I keep forgetting to take my chocolate calcium bites that taste like tootsie rolls and my acidophulous (probiotics). But at least I remember the lotion…..
So, life tip: Progesterone cream is a *really* good thing.