Last week was an overload – on Monday I was depressed, Tuesday I was stressed, Wednesday I got my first ever pink slip from the police (who explained my inspection sticker was expired and I explained I had no idea and was looking at -apparently- the wrong number), Friday we found out that everything inspection-related that could be broken was (and we failed), it can be fixed for $1300 and we’ll have our car back on Tuesday, Saturday we got a lift home to our locked apartment and waited for our landlord to come unlock it (keys were at the mechanic and in the couch. lovely). This week, we’re car-less till tomorrow (hopefully) and I miss Glee’s season premier (yes, that actually matters to me). On Saturday there were several times I thought I was just going to snap and lose it in front of everyone. Thankfully, Alex helped me feel better after he found me hanging out at the gallery (he waited at the apartment and I hung around town). He let me talk and made cinnamon buns and watched movies with me. Sunday I was feeling pretty good.
My stress meter is fragile – and I realized today, it’s *very* delicate. Right now I’m thinking that I should live in a bubble. For some reason all my introspective thoughts or sad and scary daydreams take place while I’m doing the dishes…limited counter space and moldy coffee cups from the days we weren’t home aren’t exactly conducive to less stress. I sort of snapped a little, I was frustrated, took it out on Alex and his coffee cups. Mostly by rushing out of the kitchen and sitting on the couch with a pouty face. Alex pointed out that my stress meter is fragile and I need to take a break and cool down, I’d already done more than I needed to.
That helped. He doesn’t care if there’s stuff left undone, or if it gets done all the time, he just wants me to not stress.
So I was thinking while I was trying to cool down, that I’ve come a long way – I have a lot of shit to process and heal, but this is what I have right now:
- Amazing, loving, healthy relationships with my husband, his family, and my adopted family.
- no babies! or chance of babies!
- a beautiful in town apartment that’s walking distance to everything (handy for days when I have no car)
- warm cuddly blankets and the freedom to curl up and stay in them as long as I want to
- good art supplies and lessons
- freedom to learn and explore whatever I want to because I’m not tied down to a job
- freedom to do nothing
- a running car that we’ll be able to sell if we want to
- safe friends
- enough money to live comfortably (and Alex won’t let me in the clearance sections) and get things that I’d like because I *want* them regardless of practicality (even though I rarely do because I feel guilty for spending money on me…haha…and things that I *want* usually aren’t crazy expensive, and the ones that are we save for).
- a ukulele!
- dishes 😀
Big things, small things, random things, they’re all important to me. Even though I stress easily (soooo easily) and I’m not handling it as well as I’m used to (less suppression, so maybe it’s good), at the end of the day, I still have people who’ll make me feel better, and a safe environment, and people who want me to really live and be happy and people who don’t mind my imperfections or things I didn’t get around to doing. That’s progress.