So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and it gets exponentially worse as time passes, which prolongs it because stress = more PMS and a late period – I’m going to get back on it. But not in pill form.
I’m going to see about getting….the implant. After researching it as thoroughly as I can, and listening to people talk (er, comic) about it, and finding out that it’s actually more effective than sterilization, I decided to give it a try.
This is important because there is little that I want more than to be sterilized (this has been my plan since I was 17), but I have to wait until I’m 30 to be a candidate for it, and even then, it doesn’t always take. I’m thrilled to realize that there’s an insert, that does the same thing, better, and with less craziness/surgery, and I can do it NOW and not have to spend the next 8 years paranoid.
I’ll find out this week if my local clinic offers it (they were in the process of getting it) otherwise I’ll get a referral.
I’m making progress, because I thought I was doomed to a life of painful periods and awful PMS even though the depression was out of the way, because I didn’t want to try pills again (and their failure rate just wasn’t really worth doing that to my body again), and I can’t do IUD’s. But also, I think, I felt like I deserved it – somehow I deserved the torture my body inflicted on itself and I deserved to feel it in all it’s intensity.
I don’t feel that way any more. I deserve better, I don’t need to continue to subject myself to an anxiety ridden decade, just like I don’t need to live in a constant depressed state that gets worse when my hormones change.
So yeah. I’m doing that, and I’m happy, because I feel like I’m actually in control of my body.
I win all the points! I’m only really talking about this because my insides are bleeding out currently and I still managed to talk on the phone and stutter out the question, and then lay in bed in pain all day, and cry (sob) during 13 Going On 30, drown in Pacific Rim feels, and still be generally happy and proud of myself (debilitating pain and moments of guilt due to that aside) because like, I’m fixing it! hopefully.
But I’m so moody today, my tear filter broke.