Tag personal

4 posts

Take that, uterus! (empowering myself, because I don't need to feel this way every month)

So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and it gets exponentially worse as time passes, which prolongs it because stress = more PMS and a late period – I’m going to get back on it. But not in pill form.
I’m going to see about getting….the implant. After researching it as thoroughly as I can, and listening to people talk (er, comic) about it, and finding out that it’s actually more effective than sterilization, I decided to give it a try.
This is important because there is little that I want more than to be sterilized (this has been my plan since I was 17), but I have to wait until I’m 30 to be a candidate for it, and even then, it doesn’t always take. I’m thrilled to realize that there’s an insert, that does the same thing, better, and with less craziness/surgery, and I can do it NOW and not have to spend the next 8 years paranoid.
I’ll find out this week if my local clinic offers it (they were in the process of getting it) otherwise I’ll get a referral.
I’m making progress, because I thought I was doomed to a life of painful periods and awful PMS even though the depression was out of the way, because I didn’t want to try pills again (and their failure rate just wasn’t really worth doing that to my body again), and I can’t do IUD’s. But also, I think, I felt like I deserved it – somehow I deserved the torture my body inflicted on itself and I deserved to feel it in all it’s intensity.
I don’t feel that way any more. I deserve better, I don’t need to continue to subject myself to an anxiety ridden decade, just like I don’t need to live in a constant depressed state that gets worse when my hormones change.
So yeah. I’m doing that, and I’m happy, because I feel like I’m actually in control of my body.

I win all the points! I’m only really talking about this because my insides are bleeding out currently and I still managed to talk on the phone and stutter out the question, and then lay in bed in pain all day, and cry (sob) during 13 Going On 30, drown in Pacific Rim feels, and still be generally happy and proud of myself (debilitating pain and moments of guilt due to that aside) because like, I’m fixing it! hopefully.
But I’m so moody today, my tear filter broke.

-5 to all stats

28 days
or so they say
my body disconnects from me
I feel as though
my entire being turns into
my enemy
I lose focus
I lose movement
I lose the ability to sleep peacefully
my body seems to plot
to take this opportunity
to stick it to me
“Fuck you!”
it seems to yell at my existence
gleefully plotting my demise
While I just sit here and writhe
hoping that the alternation
of ibuprofen and tylenol
is enough to warrant a few hours
of relief
it’s personal, you see
this struggle between my body
and me
I wait
helpless
and this is normal for me

New Circles

art journal
I’m in a weird place. My support group has sort of eroded and I’m standing in the middle between a place I want to be and being sad because I feel like I’ve lost most of the people who’ve really helped me over the last few years.
Truth is, I’ve moved on. I’m not completely done baking, but my needs are changing, my heart is beating and I’m ready to find myself in the world again.
Most of my support group have moved on too, just in different ways. Many of the childless couples I met – the first childless couples I met after being married – are no longer childless, and others are looking forward to not staying childless. We’re all sort of moving on to new journeys and I feel distant and sad. I’m moving in a different direction – I can’t join them, and I honestly don’t want to – but I feel bad because of how vehemently I react inside. I don’t know if it’s normal because I don’t know many (any?) couples who don’t want children as strongly as I.
But this is life, I suppose. I’m told there are couples like us, who grow old and never have children because they find fulfillment in living life sans crypods, but I don’t really know where to find them. My circle, my support group, my friends who helped me realize that it was okay to find myself and healthy to be me have moved on to different journeys. That group will always be special and valuable to me, but right now, it’s time for me to start on my own journey – my own rebirth. To find my center and dance to the tribal drums. It’s time to find new circles.

Bikini Debut

We had a heat warning thing the other day because the heat index was at 100º F due to humidity. Unlike the rest of the US, apparently Maine doesn’t believe in central AC so we have to try to suffice with the stupid window units that work as long as you’re not in a different room.
So then the power went out, for an hour or two. We left and went to dinner (AC!) and then came home and decided to go to the beach.
I’ve been wanting to break out my bikini, so I put it on and we left and I realized that my bikini debut was going to take place on a day where I’m really prickly, because I hadn’t shaved or had a chance to shower before leaving, and my hair was all greasy and I was bloaty from heat and water retention and my stomach being weird all day and generally the complete opposite of how I wanted to look when I wore my bikini to the beach in my imagination.
But then I realized, you know what, I’m okay with that. I was okay for not being completely perfect and just going – unshaved legs and arms and greasy hair and acne and bloat and everything.
So then after walking around in my bikini for a little while, the bugs discovered me because it was low tide and they were parched, and I looked tasty.
We left shortly after that.
And that’s the story of my bikini debut.