I can feel the wheels of my subconscious working instensly. Sleep is fraught with anxiety, past selves, and doubts. There’s something bothering me on a level I can’t acknowledge or communicate. I feel like a failure as I wait, unknowing but feeling intensity. I try to distract, but everything feels pointless. There is stress and
Sometimes I learn slower than I’d like. I get frustrated because PHP isn’t intuitive and I can watch a segment and then I have to take a break and let what I learned sit there for a couple days before going back for more. On the upside, I am actually grasping it this time, but I wish I knew all the things now so I could make stuff already.
But I guess no one really learns a language in a day, and I am making progress, so that’s good.
Unrelated to PHP Basics though, I am exhausted and heavy hearted. Part of me doesn’t know why, and part of me is aware that I’m just sensing the weight of the world. I’m doing the best I can to make a small piece of it better though, and I just have to keep plugging away. I can’t focus on everything, and that’s okay.
What does it mean to belong? I’m a part of many groups but always try not to feel attached, in case something goes wrong and they don’t want me anymore (thanks, parents). Being actively involved in belonging scares me because it feels like a huge commitment I don’t know if I want to make. Which
2014 has been intense shit. I’m alone for a little while, and realizing how small I am. There’s only so much I can do. Before the need to attend to my psyche over powers my ability to be useful to the world. And that’s okay. I’m trying to accept that. I don’t have to be
I should do so many things. I should write more about sexism and gaming. I should make that ruby app I’ve been planning. I should reboot KieryGeek. I should be better at marketing my patreons. I should be brave and find my voice and use it. I should be more friendly. I should not feel
I feel like the world is falling apart at the seams and going to shit and I’m powerless to do anything about it. Between police brutality in Ferguson, shit going down in Gaza and Iraq, Robin Williams committing suicide… It’s all just too many. It’s too much. It’s getting to me. I watched the
Sometimes, weird – minor, normal, human things happen and they send me into a spiral. Sunday we tried to un-wax my ears and I’m on day two of stuffy sinus pressure and weird wax extraction cycles that involve a lot of uncomfortableness. According to my primary care doctor, I have the tiniest ear canals they’ve
I feel like I’ve been spending the last two weeks trying to catch up from when my teef were taken out of my face. I feel like I missed an entire week of stuff – probably because I did. Honestly, it’s been a little stressful – I’ve been overwhelmed trying to get things going, or
So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and