Subconscious self

I can feel the wheels of my subconscious working instensly. Sleep is fraught with anxiety, past selves, and doubts. There’s something bothering me on a level I can’t acknowledge or communicate.  I feel like a failure as I wait, unknowing but feeling intensity.  I try to distract, but everything feels pointless. There is stress and

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Midday Muse

Sometimes I learn slower than I’d like. I get frustrated because PHP isn’t intuitive and I can watch a segment and then I have to take a break and let what I learned sit there for a couple days before going back for more. On the upside, I am actually grasping it this time, but I wish I knew all the things now so I could make stuff already.
But I guess no one really learns a language in a day, and I am making progress, so that’s good.
Unrelated to PHP Basics though, I am exhausted and heavy hearted. Part of me doesn’t know why, and part of me is aware that I’m just sensing the weight of the world. I’m doing the best I can to make a small piece of it better though, and I just have to keep plugging away. I can’t focus on everything, and that’s okay.

Belonging

What does it mean to belong? I’m a part of many groups but always try not to feel attached, in case something goes wrong and they don’t want me anymore (thanks, parents). Being actively involved in belonging scares me because it feels like a huge commitment I don’t know if I want to make.  Which

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Feels

I feel like the world is falling apart at the seams and going to shit and I’m powerless to do anything about it. Between police brutality in Ferguson, shit going down in Gaza and Iraq, Robin Williams committing suicide… It’s all just too many. It’s too much. It’s getting to me.   I watched the

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Spirals

Sometimes, weird – minor, normal, human things happen and they send me into a spiral. Sunday we tried to un-wax my ears and I’m on day two of stuffy sinus pressure and weird wax extraction cycles that involve a lot of uncomfortableness. According to my primary care doctor, I have the tiniest ear canals they’ve

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Take that, uterus! (empowering myself, because I don't need to feel this way every month)

So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and

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