Because of What It Means (and the story I'm afraid to draw)

I.
red stain on pink
in a tree
in the summer
doing homework
pointing
everyone knew
everyone noticed
everyone but her
embarrassed she ran
terrified
stained
ashamed
not just because the publicity of the moment
because of everything it meant
everything she hoped to avoid
adults were proud
kids were worried
she didn’t even know what she was feeling
horror
shame
pain
sadness
resolve
II.
internalized anger
internalized hate
over something uncontrollable
Because of everything it means
to be fully grown
because of abilities
responsibilities
more things to be afraid of
pain
rage
depression
okay
the cycle goes on
muted for years
in the toxicity of existence
internalized
III.
Later recognized
as symptoms became worse
discovering the root of the cause
so many roots
a tangled web
of reasons and fears
pain is more intense
rage is more explosive
depression doesn’t end
internalizing results in fantasy
mutilation
would solve the problem
eliminate the ability completely
or so it feels
but she knows it wouldn’t solve anything
though the thought comforts
the intensity
the desire
to end it all
the fear
the potential
the pain
the shame because of what it means
IV.
It’s a love-hate
One day late means panic
Antidepressants keep the urge to plunge knives into the abdomen in a distant land
pain is on the verge of tolerable
there’s less shame
still fear
paranoia keeps her safe
or so she feels
she hates the symptoms
she hates the result
she hates the discomfort and the pain
but at the same time
the consistency is what keeps her
from panicking
one day late and it’s panic
talking down into reason
because stress effects everything
because of what it means