Tag my other side

40 posts

sigh

I feel like a bad wifey. I hate being sick and not doing anything (Alex’s orders) and then having to ask Alex (who’s been working late and it’s sooo not fun) to clean for me because it starts to stress me out. I can’t paint either, due to coughing and neck-aches, heck, I haven’t even logged on to WoW this whole time. I feel like I should just clean anyway, and sweep and do laundry and whatever in spite of being sick, in spite of that totally not helping my cough, and in spite of the fact that I shouldn’t. I just feel useless and generally horrible. Even though, admittedly, it’s better for me to lay on the couch, drink lots of fluid, and do nothing. So I try and do things until he’s done – making fairy houses or whatever. Today I did end up brainstorming and got some ideas of what to work on next, so it’s not all nothing, I just feel like it’s nothing.
Alex has been awesome though.

I may be just a tad excited

because….
 
I HAVE BLUE HAIR.
 
I feel like I can legitimately say “I’m an artist” now. I finally stopped telling myself “no” (giving myself permission to be creative with my hair, not just canvas)- and then Alex surprised me by setting up an appointment for me. I feel free and beautiful. I haven’t been able to stop saying “I HAVE BLUE HAIR” since yesterday.

 

Thought of the day

(well, and yesterday too)
Freedom isn’t something you ask for – it’s something you give/find/take/fight for yourself.
In other words, asking for permission (from others) doesn’t work. But sometimes, it’s been there all along waiting for you to to get up and allow yourself to take it. Realizing in the process, that you were the thing holding you back – after years of hearing others and yourself telling you “no” – that courageous step is sometimes as simple as telling yourself “yes“.

Level 70

I made it! This morning I made it to level 70 questing around Netherstorm. I’m super excited. I just have the rest of Netherstorm and Nagrand left and I’ll be done with outland and onto Northrend! I think joining a level 5 guild may have helped also. I’m very proud of myself, I usually top out at around 20 and make other people, but I’ve stuck with my main and made it wayyy farther than I thought I would, even Alex is proud. Yay!

Raiding and Leveling

I decided to spend today playing WoW and cleaning (because my hands were too cold after washing dishes to paint). So I was hanging around Ironforge doing my last Love Is In the Air quests when someone on the trade channel was looking for healers. The other day I just completed my Paladin’s Holy talent tree (healing abilities) and set up a second action bar for just my heal spells so I could do dungeons with some friends. So I sent him a tell and did my first raid with a bunch of level 85’s. Nobody died! I can heal people! yay! Admittedly, we were going against level 72 Elites and a boss, but still, being the lowest level player and the healer for 4 other 85’s, I felt pretty good about myself.
Not to mention, that I earned 100 gold just from that instance.
So I’m going to be doing some more dungeons with friends later, hopefully, and I definitely will try to be less shy about offering my healing services for people looking to raid.
I also got some Epic clothing for when I hit level 70 (half a level to go). And while I was questing in Netherstorm, I got an axe that GLOWS! Finally I have glowing weapons!
WIN!
/geek kiery

psycho cleaning

Alex has me down to a science now. He knows the day after I spend all day in bed I will go on what he calls a “psycho cleaning” binge. Which is basically when I wake up, walk out of my room and discover that my apartment looks somewhat similar to tornado wreckage. There’s dishes all over and trash that needs to be taken out, and I make the mistake of talking about it while he’s in the middle of working which alerts him to grumpy-kiery-cleaning-time about to take place. Usually, I’m able to actually get to the cleaning part with Alex just being mildly annoyed and not stopping me and then the house is clean even though I still don’t feel all that well.
But Today! He intercepted me and put me back in my nice clean bedroom…and I decided that sounded better after I went back out and talked more and got some snacks and movies and Alex told me he needed to concentrate. So this is day two of staying in my nice clean, freshly re-arranged room and Alex taking care of me and bringing me food. I know I’ll hate it in the morning, but right now I’m enjoying hanging out under the blankets, looking at the glare of the sun on the snow outside my window, and thinking about sleeping more because I still have a headache.
I’ve also realized this is a good time to work on leveling my main. I made great progress yesterday, I’ve held off today because of my headache, maybe I’ll sneak out in search of tylenol (because it works better than ibuprofen) and work on that this afternoon.
Kudos baby.

Blog Evolution

Over the last year there’ve been many changes to this blog – it started out like it is now one blog with many different topics. Over the course of time I thought it would be cool to move my attempts at art to their own blog – because I thought that would be more interesting. Months passed and my husband made a comment about how maybe the evolution of my blog was somehow related to my self-confidence. As weird and lame as that is, he was right. I was trying to separate myself into parts that people would find most interesting – I set up a splash page, so if you wanted to see my art you could go there, if you wanted to see my (boring) random thoughts you could go here, if you wanted to just contact me, you could bypass the blogs completely. So whatever you were looking for, or whatever you were interested in, was right there, and you didn’t have to deal with the ‘me’ part of it.
For  while it helped me feel safe – I had an artistic (interesting) side and a separate (less interesting) thought process side. Thing is, they overlap. When something is a part of you, you can’t keep it separated forever – when your art coincides with your thoughts, your musing spurs creativity, what do you do then? Two different blog posts, apparently. Recently, I got tired of that (and Alex has been so supportive of this whole thing, and kept encouraging me to be *me* completely) and re-integrated my art blog here.
So, while I spent a lot of time moving blogs around for ease or whatever, what really happened was that I learned to accept myself completely, as a whole person – an artist and a thinker. Now, they aren’t mutually exclusive pieces of myself.  When you come to my blog you see me – artist, thinker, writer…an almost 20 year old discovering who she is. What I’m learning now, is that it’s beautiful.

Trading Cards

10 days from now I’ll be participating in my first ever artist trading card exchange! Freeport has been holding one every so often and I missed the last one, so when I found out they were doing it again, I signed up. Basically you make little art pieces on business card sized cardstock and you make sets/editions of 20 and then you hand them out to a bunch of other artists doing the same thing.
I just used some stationary I had and cut it into a business card size (2.5×3.5)  and used the excess pieces and my new sharpie pen to decorate them. My designs are all pretty different but have  many of the same elements so I’m hoping that’s what they mean by edition as opposed to 20 copies of the same thing (because I get bored making 20 exact copies by hand).
So anyway, I’m excited. I’ll get to see what the Freeport artist community looks like without having to pay the $30 to join, and I’ll get to meet some people. It’s perfect!

Meet Ella

Ella loves to dance ballet, draw, paint, play dogs and send her little toy horses on trips across the country. She lives in hidden places and only comes out when she’s feeling vulnerable, lost, and needs someone to hug her and tell her she’s good. Ella is perpetually 9 years old, just starting out and caught in between wanting to grow and being too scared to come out.
Occasionally though, she musters up the courage to come out and let her feelings flow through me. Because you see, Ella is me. She’s the me that I shut down, the me I sent into a corner with toys and feelings and vulnerabilities. She’s the 9 year old who wants to make and be a part of something beautiful. People and wonder inspire her. She wants to gallop through the forest with the wind in her hair and stop and sketch a picture of a butterfly before landing a tour jeté on stage in a crowded auditorium.
I got older and gave up and let go of most of those dreams, but she hasn’t. Now I’m finding her again, I’m rekindling old dreams, wiping off the dust and chains and putting them up front where I can see them. With the rediscovery and hope that comes with reacquainting myself comes pain, vulnerability, and sometimes the feeling of hopelessness. Sometimes going back and working on art leaves me feeling overwhelmed and depressed – Ella feels vulnerable and scared, what if it doesn’t work? what if she’s no good? what if she lets it go and loses it again? Why is it so lonely? Ella misses people, she misses the energy that comes from a room of peers with different styles yet the same goal. I think of local classes but suddenly feel intimidated. What if I walk into the room and I’m the only one under 40, or 60? Why are all the art places I’m finding either for middle and high school students, or are primarily made up of much older adults?
I think of colleges, because Ella’s need for people at it’s root, is mine. I grow confused. Why do I need people so much? Why can’t I be happy in solitude, reading books and doing my own thing? Why do I need to complicate it by needing people somewhere close to my age? Why does that inspire me? Why does that give me energy? Why does solitude drain me? Ella starts crying and losing hope, and I feel it too. It overwhelms me to the point where I can’t really do anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to comfort Ella, I’m fresh out of ideas and feel like joining her under the blankets crying together, hoping that maybe after our tears are dry we can figure something out. We feel lost, full of potential, but clueless as to how to turn the energy into something beautiful.

Nothing was going to change if I stayed depressed though. So I talked about it. I told Alex how I was feeling and what was wrong, and somehow, just talking about it helped me feel better and quieted Ella’s fears. It’s still frustrating, but it’s good to have someone else there, coming up with ideas, and willing to do things differently because Alex knows that (for some reason) I need people.
Ella comes out when I feel vulnerable and self-conscious, because she feels that way. Sometimes all it takes too quench that is  a hug and some soft reassuring words. You’re great at art. You keep getting better. We’re finding classes. We can go places. You can work on a project and connect with people virtually. Somehow those words bring hope. Ella goes back to her finger paints and I find my pens and set to work. Hopefully I’ll have something to show for it soon, and probably more playing around with deviantart until I can find or do something local (or save for a real college class. who knows.).