I found this on pinterest today and it hit me. A lot of the time I feel so young (I am young :P) and lost and like none of the stuff I’m doing really means much, because there’s so much out there I don’t know, and I’m making so many mistakes that I don’t even know about because I’m so inexperienced. But then I saw this. Sometimes I do want to quit, and just hole up and live under the blankets – I want to give up my heart and stop pouring it into paint and canvas and words because I look back on them and blush. I don’t really know what “success” is for me or how close I am to “achieving” it (if that’s even something you can achieve), but I still paint and draw and write because I *like* it, I *want* it, and even though I have so much to learn that sometimes I don’t even want to think about it – I know it brings me closer to myself, and discovering the girl inside who knows me, and knows who I am and what I’m capable of. Sometimes I get lost because my secondary motivation is to help out and honestly I’m thinking that it might be a bit of hinderance at times and I feel like I need to get back to just creating for the sake of creating, and creating because I love it, I need it, and it becomes me.
I don’t know what I’ll do or be in 5 years, 10 years, or next year. Hopefully I’ll be a better artist, a more loving person, and a better friend. I know there’s so much I don’t know…but I think I need to take the time and look at exactly how far I’ve come, in so many different aspects and parts of myself. I’m becoming me.
How far have you come in your hopes, ambitions, and journey? I bet it’s a lot more than you’d expect when you stop and think about it.
Didn’t get around to blogging yesterday (obviously) because I was way. too. tired. Weather changes do weird things and rain makes me sleepy. I might have allergies, but Claritin seems to give me headaches (or maybe it’s all in my head?).
Anyway, I’m mixing “authentic thursday” in with today’s “media friday” (see? renamed, because youtube is so much fun). I’m naming it “Kierstyn is a geek, and here’s what she’s currently into day”.
I was thinking recently, about how I never really got into much when I was little, Hello Kitty when I was 11 was about the extent of my obsessive fan-girl-ness. Over the last couple years though, I’ve developed my inner fangirl/geek (living with a geek who feeds my nerdiness helps) and it’s so much fun! So I thought that I’d share a bunch of the things that I’ve been geeking out over lately:
Doctor Who, Firefly, Torchwood, Harry Potter, anything with Felicia Day and Ellen Page, Jonathan Coulton, Disney movies (just re-watched Aladdin last week. OMG. beautiful), Battlestar Galactica, Anime, Phineas and Ferb, Eragon, and I just watched all of the Star Wars movies, and while I like them better watching them closely (like I have to watch Nolan films) I’m not totally into it, but they are fun. 😉 *hides*
So, in short (and I could go on, the list keeps growing) that’s what I’m into now. Sci-fi/Fantasy, and a good dose of comedy and animation.
Honestly, this one scares me a little. Because for some reason, the times that I’m honest and vulnerable here tend to blow up in my face and it’s really painful. So I haven’t posted anything here below surface level for a very very long time, because I’m scared to. I’m scared of what will happen if I am myself and vulnerable and authentic – but I’m tired of hiding inside the surface on *my own blog* and only posting things that are more or less just professionally me without much of me or my personality or myself in them. Hiding behind my words, that I hope are interesting, but never letting anyone close enough to see who I am.
I am an ENFP, and I didn’t realize how very accurate that is until recently. Accepting ( yeah, I had to accept that, and get through to myself that it’s OKAY to not be an ESTJ – which is what came up when I answered questions the way I thought I was “supposed” to instead of honestly) that has helped me understand myself, if that makes sense. A lot of the things I never understood about myself – why I felt the way I did about things, and why sometimes even the very *hint* of something being pushed on me causes me to react so violently (internally, not physically) – I was able to understand, because I was (am) able to accept that as part of my personality, it *is* who I am, it’s who’ve I’ve always been just waiting for me to allow myself to be me and not the armored image that I thought was appropriate.
I’m not the Iron Lady anymore. I never *truly* was, I was trying to be. And that’s as hard for me to accept (or was, getting better at that now) as it is or will be for anyone else. Because I was wicked good at wearing that mask, and only the people who really tried saw through it.
So this, this is part of me. My little rose self is poking through the armor and into the daylight. Please don’t crush it.
Earlier this year I signed up for an email list called The Brave Girls Club. Everyday they send me an email with a letter. I don’t read all of them, but sometimes (a lot of times) they write something that I *really* needed to hear and know about myself and it makes me really happy. Something as simple as a generic email that they send to thousand of women who need to hear the same thing whether they know it or not – makes me feel special, because it feeds a bit of my soul with truths about myself I would never admit. I’ve been wanting to share one here for a while, but never really knew if I should or not. But it inspires me, and makes me feel good, so I thought today that I’d share what’s been helping me a little bit over the year…
Last night I went to an artist panel hosted by the local creative arts association that I just joined. The topic was basically how we write ant talk about art, and how we *should* be and what ways are helpful to engage the public. We had a journalist, historian, and a director from a gallery that works in tandem with MECA.
We talked about how art is a business and how culture/art and the economy go hand in hand. Art festivals are great because people who wouldn’t usually go to a gallery will come and be exposed to the arts. We talked about how the arts in Maine are changing and picking up speed, how many people really do care about the arts even if their not vocal about it, and we talked about how there are so many opportunities to learn, or to teach and make it all accessible.
What struck me
We talked a bit about how to know what good art is and how a lot of that is subjective. How people today have advantages to “build their eye” because we can see everything on the internet. Not just art, but subconsciously, design. How the biggest thing we can do to develop our “eye” is to keep looking. everywhere. cartoons, internet, books, galleries, fairs. Art is everywhere and becoming more and more accessible. We can learn anything we need to with the tools that we have at our fingertips (not to discount classes…). But, we need to start a dialogue. We’re not used to having honest discussions about art, and we should be having those conversations.
I wrote a lot more in my notebook that makes sense to me, but I can’t translate it into a coherent post separated from the context in the ink strokes. I write in lines, and when I see them I understand the context and the subtext on a subconscious level, but getting that out of the lines and ink and into words on a screen takes a while of chewing and musing and letting the words create themselves.
Shortly after my meeting in August I went through my old notebook and wrote down a few things about my art – what movements I identify with, what I’d like to improve/want to see, and what I need to do.
my art is inspired by:
idealism – art is imagination, psyche over body
mannerism – perspective less important, idealized figures
romanticism – authentic, intuition, non utilitarian
post/impressionism – not telling morals, follow own vision, emotional
aestheticism – art for the sake of art, subtle moods/color
post/modernism – exploration of vision, noticing the world changing, art is imperfect
futurism – new and vital, celebrates technology
to have more depth in my figures so they look less flat. To learn how to create more convincing backgrounds and how to create glowing effects/more luminosity. To learn how to shade better
to practice and research everything I want to get better at and understand.
It must be a weird thing, because I trust my ability to find things on the internet more than my ability to find what I’m looking for in a book. I think my biggest fear is: a book, is a book, it’s there, it’s not changing or updating, I could find a book that could be erroneous or horribly outdated and I wouldn’t really know. I could get an art history book that’s huge, but might have less accuracy because of the time and viewpoint of it’s writing. So I’m weirdly more apt to trust a google search and look at multiple sources and hope that I get a more whole view. The problem is finding out where to start. I did a search on VanGogh last week, I guess I’ll just search for things as I feel like I should learn about them and when I’m inspired to look up particular topics.
Anyway, after the meeting I feel a mix of self conscious in my creating and validated in my quirky methods (cartoons/tv + internet). I’m still very much trying to bridge the gap and everyone in that room has been creating for years, and I presume, have closed that gap. Although, I suppose, I shouldn’t assume that. Then again, I was the youngest in the room, and I’m pretty sure I’m the youngest in the group. I have so much to learn, and honestly it’s a bit intimidating. Doesn’t help that I have this thing where I jump between different things, which is great for me because then I learn a variety at once, but hard when I need to figure out what to start first. Maybe I’ll make a list of things to research and then go through that. It might be easier to do if it’s not “RESEARCH ALL THE THINGS!”.
If you’ve made it this far without being bored from my rambling, thank you. With that I’ll leave you with a bit of something I wish I remembered more often. From Pinterest.
I want to be
the eccentric 60 year old with sapphire hair
and kind eyes.
When I’m 50 I want to not care
I will be me
I will learn life’s lessons and love freely.
I want to be a vibrant 30 and 40 year old
I want to be a graceful 20 something
who makes people feel at ease
and accepts everyone for themselves
I’ll be the woman with the sapphire hair
who’s lead an amazing and full life
who’s success does not depend on the amount of children she bore
but the love she showed to everyone.
I will be creative, kind, graceful, and calm.
I’ll be the woman with the sapphire hair.
I’ve got a cough and have been really tired the last few days, so as much as I’ve been wanting to write and post, I haven’t been able to think about anything to say. But I’ve had a song stuck in my head all day and thought that might be interesting
I’m going to try and take it really easy this week (or tomorrow at least) and I’ll probably be holed up and reading Tamsin and The Purple Emperor. If I have the energy though, I’d like to paint something I dreamed up in the car a few days ago. Although, I probably won’t be doing any in-depth research into painting styles (I’d like to give more depth to my fairies, and better wings) and stuff. I had a good talk with someone today though, that’s left me a lot to think about, so I’ll probably write a note to myself and think about everything after my head clears. 🙂
I must admit I was really happy to moving on to the 19th century today. Art seemed to be getting stronger and more independent – romanticism challenging neo-classicism, realism challenging the academics, impressionism challenging conventional thinking and *gasp* introducing plien-air – Artists started finding their own independent voices, and following their own vision as opposed to the church, the state, or the rich people.
Obviously though, some still used their art (and allowed their art to be used) as pieces for political or religious statements – like Orientalism portraying the East as real yet based the painted reality on false information serving to justify imperialism.
I had an epiphany this morning while I was still laying in bed about right-verses-left brain function. When I drive, I *have* to have music on or someone talking to me. I need some form of verbal feedback in order to concentrate on my driving. I never knew why, just that if I drove in silence my brain would start talking to myself and critiquing my driving skills (did you go too fast on that curve? are you swerving?! Did you check to make sure you’re still in your lane?) and if I can’t shut that off I get stressed. I realized this morning as I was thinking about some things that I learned from Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain that I must use the right (non-verbal, spacial awareness, creative) side of my brain when I drive which in turn can send the left (verbal, logical, thinking) side into a frenzy if I don’t do something to keep it down.
The left half of my brain has had total dominance for years as I pretty much ignored my emotions and creativity until relatively recently. So I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that I have a hard time communicating my emotions, nor that I seem to have trouble connecting the two sides of myself. Although, amazingly, the creative exercises in the book do seem to help with that.
So, apparently, my creativity has decided to channel itself into working on my apartment. Yesterday I tackled my office, and today, I started cleaning, and then started organizing my kitchen (after getting all the boxes ready to go to the recycling centre). The issue with my kitchen has always been where to put things – I don’t have much space, so whatever doesn’t fit in the cabinets or on the counter usually ends up on our Wobbly Table. Which means, that we pretty much *never* actually eat at the table. Which is sad, because I *like* to eat at the table. Sometime while I was cleaning I had the brilliant idea of moving all the boxes that were on the table, and the blender onto the picture window behind it with the cookbooks. The toaster has a *ridiculously* short cord, so that and my little Coke pan is staying on the table with the tea set. Still, there’s much more room than there was before, so win.
And, to top that off, I’m completely rid of cardboard in one room. I’m hoping to grab the cardboard box we’ve been using to hold things with cords in the living room out tomorrow too. Then, it’ll just be the bedroom and the box of magazines.
I set out the hamburger, so I think I’ll semi-surprise Alex with dinner around 6 something. Work has been long this week, so I think he’ll like that. And then, I think we’re going to see the Green Lantern, and hope it’s better than the Green Hornet.
In the meantime, I think I’m going to go paint a musing (or take a nap….).
I’m not usually one for rearranging or reorganizing often, lately, my office has been the exception to the rule. I’ve been on a quest to create a calm fantastical space for myself to create in, and for guests to sleep in. I’ve found that with the addition of new furniture (bookshelf, futon, chest) comes new inspiration – also, determination to find places for things that were otherwise living in boxes on the floor. Today, I finally was able to get rid of *all* the boxes I was using and found places for everything, and also, rearranged.
I’ve always thought having furniture at angles was an interesting thing to do, so I decided to do that with my bookshelf and I really like it. My office feels more open this way too, because there’s a little more wall space (less boxes and everything against it).
I also finished my fairy house (except for dreaming about adding windows and lights) painted the outside with vines and set up the interior. It looks really good.
So today was my apartment-decorating spree. I rediscovered Apartment Therapy and that might have inspired me a little.
I’m thinking about doing something to challenge myself and my way of painting. I don’t know too much about all the styles, but I think what I’m going to start soon, is reading about all the styles/movements and spending a week exploring those myself. So maybe I’ll be reading about impressionism one week, and spending that week working in that style, and doing abstract art the next week and so on. I can find which styles speak to me, and learn about the differences between them and hopefully, possibly, improve my skill while doing it. Hopefully I’ll have enough energy to be starting that on Monday.
Alex brought me fresh strawberries from the health food store today, so I’ve been munching on those, he also picked up pineapple for breakfast tomorrow. I love fruit! If (and this is a big if) I have energy tomorrow, I might make shepherds pie again…