Category KieryGeek

38 posts

On Youtube

dick move to indie artists, even taking away their content if they fail to sign on to the new thing. My love of indie music aside, this whole thing really angers and frustrates me as a youtuber. I know my content at the moment isn’t and won’t be affected with this decision at all or directly, but I feel less safe if this is going to become a thing. If they start shutting out the voices of independent musicians, what happens if they start shutting down the voices of small filmmakers like me? I feel like that would be horrifically stupid…but if this thing with the music industry flies, it wouldn’t be unprecedented. It feels an awful lot like google took the sort of level playing field that was youtube, and just sliced it. It’s not even any more. Not just anyone can share their content anymore, you can’t just go here to start out anymore – not unless you meet X, Y, and Z.
Which, in the face of everything with net-neutrality, just feels so…. wrong. The thing that is beautiful about the internet and places like youtube (well, until recently) is that anyone can do anything. Anyone can make content, and it’s the one place you can go and just make your own platform, and if you work hard enough at it, you can sometimes get pretty far. Now, it feels like youtube, the place everyone goes is just taking that away, and as a creator, it terrifies me. To the point where, I’m seriously reconsidering using Youtube for the next season of KieryGeek and I’m about this far away from switching to vimeo or creating my own platform. In fact, if they do decide to start censoring content depending on who pays, I don’t think I will be going back to youtube. I hope that if this does continue – that there’s such an uproar that google retracts their plan, or we all move on to other places and make something better.

I love the internet. I don’t take well to people – google, or the FCC, or anyone, fucking with it.

]]>

Knack & Trine 2

Knack this week! I really loved the game and will likely be talking more about it in the future. The world is so pretty to look at and fun to be in – I managed to archive some of the gameplay to twitch so you can see for yourself.

So now that I’ve finished that I’ve downloaded Trine2 and started working through it. I haven’t played Trine so it’s all new to me, but so far it’s really gorgeous and amazing. I think I’m definitely finding the style of games I like to play and that I find relaxing. Child of Light, Knack, and Trine 2 are quickly becoming my favorites this year.

Watch Knack from kierygeek on www.twitch.tv

Yikes, I can’t believe it’s June.
Last June a lot stuff happened – I submitted KieryGeek to Geek and Sundry, and there was hellcation while voting was happening, Humorotica started, and I did poems. I’m doing poems this year too.
It’s probably more due to the lack of sleep and being anxious about my prescriptions getting refilled, but I was planning to relax today, and instead I’m just overwhelmed and triggered.
All of the feelings from hellcation are flooding, for no reason. Like, really, no reason – there’s no vacation with my inlaws this month and we haven’t seen them, I think just remembering all of the things, sometimes, opens up a bigger emotional can of worms than I’m ready for.
It’s not like I was trying to remember either.
I have a lot of new things – well, mostly one – I’m making a new comic, called E.R.A. and I’m hoping it’s not shitty. I’ve been wanting to build the site from scratch and haven’t gotten around to it yet. I want to make myself a badge site to keep track of things so when I have a bad day I can go there and be like, but I have all the achievement points!
I’ve had massive, crippling waves of anxiety over the smallest things lately, and I feel like maybe having some things uncompleted isn’t helping (but I also can’t really complete or even start on them because anxiety is exhausting).
I know I really need to fix that…but I’m anxious about that too.

Housekeeping

If you are following KieryGeek and Humorotica I have an important note.
For reasons that involve creating safe places and also to get me to actually use more than one twitter account and figure out how to…multitask? or is it focus? something like that – if you get all your updates from @kiery28, or don’t get twitter updates about either project at all, but want them please go follow @kierygeek and @humoroticathulu.
I’m going to be using them more, more than once a week for Humorotica and more than once a month for KieryGeek. I’ll try to make it interesting and worth your while, I swear.
Thanks so much for helping me out <3
(also, if Facebook is more your style, KieryGeek and Humorotica currently share a space at KieryGeek: Rebooted. I know, I know, Humorotica should have it’s own page. One step at a time)

Failure and Creatives (me)

I follow awesome people on twitter – and Erika brought up something that I had thought about at PAX (and then forgot because I was confused by my sudden lack of 4 molars), the subsequent short conversation with Kiri (who, btw, is awesome incarnate – not just because we pronounce our names the same way) then spurred me onto a twitter muse which I realized would be better suited for a blog post, because all the thoughts are way more than 140.
I feel like a failure – and if twitter is any indication I’m certainly not alone in that feeling. If you’ve read here before, you’ll probably have seen that strewn across the blog relatively frequently, if in vague terms.
That’s been escalated lately, exponentially. At some point, you become comfortable with your relationship with failure, and hiding in the dark, and doing stuff with little response – even though you desperately want response, all creators do (as hard as that is to admit because it feels…vain?).
Kiri wrote a post the day before I started my kickstarter about the same feeling. Between that and this post by Katie Lane…I’ve expressed the general terrifying-ness and failing feels of everything, but I’ve been so afraid to say what for fear of…I don’t really know.
I think I’m afraid that if I get into detail here of how I feel and why, everyone who’s been there for me and backed me is going to think I’m a horrible person. Which probably is playing a huge part in the creative block I’ve been facing.
I made it into the first round of the G&S Vlogs, my Kickstarter following that was successful, before PAX even! So the paralyzing fear and anxiety should be gone, right? Because everything worked?
Ah, but you don’t live inside my head. I waffle between YAY PEOPLE THINK I’M COOL and OH MY GOD I NEED TO NOT FUCK THIS UP. WHAT IF I’M AWFUL AND THEY HATE ME?
Strangely, the “just don’t fuck this up” part is wayyyy louder than the, “hey people like what I do!” voice.
Because I was successful I’m met with more stress than living in the shadows and making things maybe 30 people saw – most of whom I know, on a good day. It’s gone up a bit since The Daily Beast and Geek and Sundry and Kickstarter and it’s wonderful.
But damned if I’m not fucking terrified. I was funded, partially because Harry Knowles pissed people off, which I mean, I’m not complaining about – but the internet can be scary. I don’t want to piss people off, and I’m afraid that if I don’t deliver something perfect, it’s going to end poorly.
Which I know in my thinking brain isn’t true, because I have a years worth of content people could go back and look at, people knew what they were getting into when they funded me and they liked it, it doesn’t have to be The Best Show Ever(tm) is just needs to be KieryGeek, which I’m actually good at – when I’m not hiding in a corner being afraid.
I’m afraid that I’m not getting things done fast enough, or that I don’t know what I’m doing (I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, even though I’m doing the same thing, but being actually able to show it this time), or that it’ll still fall short (I’m reminded of Ira Glass on Storytelling) of what I want it to be.
I’m worried I won’t get the rewards to everyone on time, or they won’t like them, or I’m not making KieryGeek episodes fast enough (even though I’m still waiting on my mic to arrive), and I should be making ALL OF THE THINGS right this second, and I’m failing because I’m not. Instead I’m writing this, or playing animal crossing or painting my Archangel (which is actually related, because warmahordes). I’m worried I won’t be able to keep the Humorotica schedule that we’ve only tentatively set, or that if I draw all of the times my drawing will not get better and it’ll just be lamer and lamer (which, I KNOW is bullshit, you can’t get worse at doing something all the time..right?).
I’m afraid that my comics are lame (drawing, not words, because I have a great writer), or that I won’t be able to balance comics and KieryGeek and jobs – even though I’ve been doing that, dare I say successfully, for months.
I’m not sure how everything is going to work from here on out. I know what I want, but I’m also terrified of achieving it. I want to be able to support myself making comics and filming vlogs about games and making webseries and painting and making other digital art. I want to not have to rely on my partner for everything all of the time. It’s really awesome that he doesn’t mind, but, I’d like to be able to contribute too, you know? With more than $9 an hour seasonally.
I’ve not done things because I was afraid or too drained to, and I regret those a lot. I wanted to make friends with all the G&S Vloggers during the competition but didn’t – mostly because I was coming off of hellcation and the PTSD that brought (which, fed into self loathing, oh yeah, that’s tied in too – this is a nasty beast). I’ve regretted it since and haven’t really known how to deal with it. I didn’t meet any of the strip search artists at PAX even though they’re some of my favorite people because, SOCIAL ANXIETY. I feel like I talked a little about the meltdown I was dealing with over that weekend, it’s basically all of this stuff and existential crisis and creative self-doubt.
But, I DID muster up the courage to buy a shirt from MC Frontalot because I was too scared at PAX East…so…that’s a plus? If you don’t listen to the internal montage of “dude, you sounded so stupid” that played for a couple days later.
I realized there, that everyone deals with this – all creatives do – probably all humans, actually. I don’t remember which story Scott Kurtz was telling that made that point, but it was perfect. I think it was about how you put so much of yourself out there that you get exhausted, which…so true. Sometimes everything in my head is exhausting, and everything external is exhausting and everything is just exhausting.
But I can’t not do it.
And that’s what keeps me going – through the blocks and the fear and the anxiety.
I know what happens when I don’t create (I go nuts and YAY MORE MELTDOWN KIERY).
I have to (and I love it).
I realize that ultimately, the problem is coming from myself and my own hangups and my own fears and I am quite literally my own worst enemy. I am the one with the unreasonable expectations and overactive internal critic.
I just don’t know how to fix it – I’ll let you know when I do.
(If you’ve discovered the elixir, tell me? please? begs)

Becoming Geek

Not so long ago, I was one of those really unsocialized homeschoolers who couldn’t hold up a conversation about Harry Potter but could tell you about ANWR (Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge), domestic (oil) drilling, and how little control our federal government really has over the control of oil prices. I’d only ever played racing video games occasionally – my favorite games were the educational ones my parents bought or that my grandpa got from school – namely, Mavis Beacon Typing, Story Weaver, and Amazon Trail. Those were just the games I was allowed to play, actually. My brother played Need For Speed, and Lego Racers (which I joined in on a few times) and was allowed video games and consoles.
I lived in a very controlling, mentally/spiritually/emotionally abusive home, where I raised and nurtured 6 of my siblings until I moved out days before my 7th sibling was born at 18. I was never encouraged in any artistic endeavor or to do anything but get married and become a breeder for religious reasons. That’s what I got for being born with a uterus – my reproductive organs defined my worth.
I never read The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter because magic was witchcraft, which we would inevitably start practicing if we were exposed to it (because of our lack of brains?). At one point we abandoned our Disney collection, until my mom had too many kids it was impractical to keep them from Cinderella even if it did have a fairy godmother in it, and she did use a spell (bippity, boppity, boo).
I thus immersed myself in historical fiction and studying history so intensely that I still have a lot of random stuff memorized. It was the only allowed form of geekiness that I had, and so, I used it. I had 4 pocket constitutions; for a couple years I always had one on hand, just in case. I knew where to find ANYTHING by the article, and often section number.
Because I was so intensely set on learning I saw through the bullshit that a lot of the history “teachers” in the Christian community were peddling. Their revisionist history – while I was never allowed to say otherwise without being lectured – was clearly ill informed, completely untrue, and lacking in any historical context. I knew this because I studied everything around and leading up to events just for the context.
Now when people try to tell me that we were meant to be a theocracy by our founders, I call bullshit and brainwashed.
That’s kind of besides the point, though. The point is that I was sheltered. I was not allowed to play actual video games for more than an hour here-or-there if my siblings needed a player 2. I wasn’t allowed to read fantasy books because of religion. I hadn’t seen Star Wars until I was nearly 17, and even then I was bored because it was Episode 1. I’m convinced we only saw it because my mom was confused about the “classic” nature of it, and the kid from Jingle All The Way was starring.
I didn’t see LOTR until I was 17 at my boyfriend’s house, because he was really into it: Tolkien quote in email signature and everything. We started with the extended edition – I had to watch it 3 different times before I got the story and then I fell in love with the genre and with LOTRTwo Towers especially.
When I moved out, and moved in with my boyfriend’s family which is an even longer story, we started playing the PC version of Halo on occasion. That was my first “real” introduction to gaming, even though I hated getting shot all the time while figuring out how to move. I was also introduced to Firefly and Fringe – we’d watch these quietly to avoid waking up his parents, who are also not into science fiction or fantasy.
When we got married, we bought our first console, cable, and I’ve come a long way since then. I’d always identified as a geek, much to my mom’s horror, because I always knew I was – so you can imagine my happiness upon finding not only a ton of content, but a ton of people who were into the same things. We discovered that Focus on the Family outright lied about Harry Potter; Doctor Who is amazing; Browncoats are forever; and GAMING IS FUN. There are games that have stories, you guys! STORIES, not just racing and/or shooting. I had found that piece of me that was missing and wanting to manifest, that piece of me that helps everything else make sense.
Ask any ex-quiverfull or fundamentalist daughter and they’ll tell you it’s reallllllly hard to escape the you-are-your-uterus-mindset and find out who you actually are, what you actually like. This has been a long process for me – an ongoing process even, because I’m still unlearning old thought processes. On bad days, I just sit and wonder if doing what I want is even worth it – if being me (whoever that is) is even worth it.
It is.
Now, I’m making the third season of my web-series. I started it last year in a moment of clarity, sudden bravery, and lack of fucks to give after an existential crisis.
This project, KieryGeek Season Three, is all about storytelling: the things that I love about gaming, sci-fi, fantasy, and geekdom – I’ll be talking about world-building in games and collecting play-through footage. I’ll also be creating stories with the help of my co-conspirator Matt (MALE FRIEND I’M NOT MARRIED TO WHAT? TAKE THAT UPBRINGING!) in a hangout format. I’d really like to see this funded not just because it’s cool and another kind of community, but because it would mean so much to me personally and my constantly self-critical psyche to do something amazing and worthwhile and completely me for a change.
Thank you everybody!

KieryGeek: Kickstarter

Over a year ago, I launched KieryGeek, and I was terrified. It’s been a wacky and wild ride  since then. Amazingly so, actually – I’m happy that this is still something I’m just as, if not more invested in than when I started. It’s kind of huge, to be doing something that I want to do, not something people tell me I should do.
I sometimes feel bad, because I occasionally hear the voices and people from my past in my head, scoffing and frowning at me for following this crazy dream. I know a lot of people who don’t really get it, because it’s not very adult-y. I know in their minds I should be doing home-maker-y things, but, I’ve said this so many times, it’s not me.
I’m going where my passions lie, where I come alive as a whole person, not split up into right brain/left brain, or brain and heart. I am going in in the direction of where I live. Which in turn has caused me to evolve more, as myself, and bridge gaps within my own mind – my limitations, and fears, and tear down my walls of “shoulds” (or at least start).
Last year, I was terrified and just decided to start – and didn’t stop. This year, I know people – more people in fact – who get it, and who are standing there with me. This year, I’m terrified because I’m approaching season 3 with a kickstarter. I’m starting off the next season asking for help and support – which is really out of my comfort zone.
I feel like, I can actually make this become everything I want it to be – which has grown exponentially since last year, and has become bigger than just me.
[iframe]<iframe width=”480″ height=”360″ src=”http:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.kickstarter.com&#x2F;projects&#x2F;kiery&#x2F;kierygeek-a-vlog-of-games-comics-and-geekery&#x2F;widget&#x2F;video.html” frameborder=”0″> </iframe>[/iframe]

If you want to back my project, click here or the image below, and share with your friends. FUND

Stuff and Things

Well I didn’t make it into the next round of the Geek and Sundry Vlogs. All of the voter contributions were wonderful (and thank you so much)! I just must not have been what they were looking for. Still, It was worth trying, even in just learning the amount of people that I’ve been able to reach and meet and people who really like what I do.
I decided before I even applied that regardless I’ll still continue KieryGeek – and since then, I’ve been brainstorming and I think you’ll be excited about some of the things that are currently ruminating in my head. I’ll do another video later this month when I have a couple things nailed down, explaining it all, and then we’ll be back in time for PAX Prime (which I am ridiculously excited about going to).

I finished part one of The Acceptance Chronicles. < Part one meaning: I have more. I actually have a lot of plans and ideas on the comic front as well. Currently I have so many ideas for so many things that I need to just wait for them to organize themselves. It’s nice to finally have drawn something though, after not being able to draw or write or anything due to the stress and lack of sleep over the last few weeks.
Thankfully, it seems the tides are turning. I’m getting back into the swing of things, and chopped off my hair (so now my Elizabeth Cosplay will look much more Elizabeth-y) which boosted my (previously dangerously low) confidence up by +20.
It’s just the overtired fuzz that I need to get rid of now.