Tag This is my Life

143 posts

Wield it Wisely

Free speech is important, vital, even, and should be protected, yet does not serve as a buffer or shield from criticism. Just because you are free to say something doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for the words you speak or write. The pen is mightier than the sword. We can say so much, so much more powerfully with ink and lines than we can in other ways, which is why it’s important to remember than when we choose pens as our weapons, as creators, we are more dangerous and more powerful than we realize. While doodles and letters put together in sentences and satire don’t physically harm anyone, we are making a difference (however small, however subtle) and we are either moving society forward or protecting the status quo. We are dismantling society, or perpetuating oppression, or maybe we do some of both because we’re human. We are communicating on a level that surpasses the conscious and meets people in their souls. When we are cruel, and racist, homophobic, or misogynistic, that still matters, it still affects people, it still hurts.
We should never be afraid to create, to say what we feel needs to be said. But we need to know, we need to be aware, that our words, our drawings, our art is powerful. That’s why so many people try to destroy it, so many people try to hide from it, and if we really want to, we can make the world a better, more equal, represented, and understanding place with it.
The pen is mightier than the sword, wield it wisely.
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more misc

It’s snowing, I’m in a sweater, leggings, fluffy socks, and a warm blanket and I’m still cold. I braved the weather to get food.
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I started a fairy porn tumblr and theoretically increased the amount of comics I draw per week.
I had a lot of unexpected social but ended up getting rid of the PVC pipe from our greenscreen project/holder thing, finally. Apparently people LOVE free PVC pipe.
I moved the xbox back into my office and realized it hates me trying to play multiplayer ME3 in a party, but it’s still great for watching Futurama.
I was a lot of up and down this week, but that was okay. I also did a LOT of little things – taking things to the thrift store, recycling, etc…
Playing more minecraft and streamed some of it. I even figured out how to breed chickens and pigs.
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I’m waiting anxiously until I can schedule my last HPV shot at planned parenthood, and then I will be IMMUNE. I will also go to the DMV and renew my license and take a new picture where I don’t look like a homeschooler who has no idea what to do with their hair.
Need to remember to vote on Tuesday.
I realized, now that I’m actually old enough to vote myself, get-out-the-vote campaigns don’t matter as much to me as they used to, which I think is weird, but I guess it’s because I know I’m going to vote, and as long as I can vote I’m not concerned about getting other people to vote on my behalf.
I also got some rum and whiskey on Halloween (and also I got candy because I wore my fox costume to run errands over lunch and it was awesome), which means I’ll have something to help me watch the election results.
Mostly I’m writing this boring ramblyness to keep myself awake, but I’m hitting publish, so it only realllly worked for like 15 minutes ūüėõ

Visual Progress


I played minecraft all day yesterday and ended up with thumb cramps (hahahaha) so I mostly puttered around today to give my thumbs a break and that involved sorting random stuff – mostly my wardrobe. All of my clothes (that aren’t hung) fit in one laundry basket and are things I like, so that’s a win (I also have another laundry basket full of things to take to the thrift shop).
I also did some stuff in the kitchen, where I learned that once I got rid of the (unpictured) plain hand-me-down plates, I actually do have like 4 place settings, I also have two normal cups, one wine goblet, two martini glasses, 4 tumblers, and so. many. mugs. Clearly we drink a lot of tea and coffee around here. And I actually only found one mug that we haven’t used (solely because it was dirty and out of reach, so that’s fixed now :P). New goal is to replace my plates + bowls with dishes that I actually like instead.
I also cleaned out my tea/hot chocolate cabinet and threw out the empty tea boxes and now I have a tea shelf, a hot chocolate shelf, and an emergency coffee shelf. But I didn’t take any pictures of it. ūüėõ
I’ve discovered this new feeling recently, I think it’s called “sentiment”. It’s kinda weird. Makes getting rid of my reindeer stocking difficult, but Alex seems to think it’s a good thing, so maybe that’s progress.

waning

It’s been a rough week and I think at the back of my mind I’m worried that maybe my new meds aren’t going to work, or aren’t working (I’ve only been on the new dose 4 days, so).
My shoulders are massively fucked at the moment, shocked the massage person who said it was really good that I came in and that they’re really bad and it’ll take multiple sessions to fix. I was like, yeah, I kinda figured…once my neck decided it didn’t really like turning. Apparently I held up really well for what we did with the deep tissue massage, I think I feel it more now than I did at the time, but I can move, and more importantly, I think I can sleep again.
I’ve been fighting a lot of general insecurity and self-loathing and shit-feeling – like for some reason, when things are going okay, I feel like something must be wrong. Especially wrong with me.
How fucked up is that?
I’ve been feeling ashamed of my body, in part because of the shit that went down last week, partly because yay bloating and lactose intolerance, and partly because I gained a couple pounds and the lady at the doctors office made a face when weighing me.
Temporary bloat and uncomfortableness aside though, I’ve been feeling okayish with my weight/how my body looks. On a related front: upping my water intake and dabbling with pescetarianism¬†vegequarianism and probably cutting out dairy for a little while because hahaha tummy (Y U NO LIKE ICE CREAM?).
Today I felt like I failed at everything even though I managed to get my 2nd Gardasil shot, and a massage, and run errands….I felt like it was my fault that things took longer than I wanted them to (the waiting time at the doctors office, is I think, probably, actually, out of my control), my fault for needing to spend money to make my shoulders/neck work again, my fault for trying to talk to people and being confused and tired (because I haven’t slept much/well the last few days because pain)…
I kept running scenarios over and over in my head, convinced I was stupid for this or that, or not doing this, or not being sure how much I should undress because the massage place was in/is part of a gym and I was so out of my element and in pain and tired…
^^ not an overly relaxing thought process for getting a massage
But I think I’ve also been scaring myself with baby-steps towards progress too.
Like looking up web jobs in Seattle, and realizing that I could do that, and not only that I could get a job, but I might be able to manage doing the Ada Developers Academy.
Almost seriously considering getting a local summer job didn’t completely freak me out for like 10 minutes (depressed by the options on the other hand…)
I kinda feel like venturing to the new game store we discovered.
But then I still have this little tiny, but people!!!!!!!¬†thing…and then I overthink when I talk to them, but I feel like there’s a little progress, and then I’m like OH NO WHAT’S HAPPENING.
So, that’s probably normal, right?
Writing this all out helps me feel better and helps put things in perspective.
I do have some really cool shit going down (besides just E.R.A. —> which if you become a patron, you can get the full-size comic download /plug) that I’m looking forward to sharing after I convince myself I’m not a shitty shit face.
<3 Thanks for listening

mental notes

Things I did:

  • built a comic website/CMS from scratch in a month
  • built a resource website and started collecting and posting content over the holiday
  • upped my meds, starting the new full-dose tonight
  • scheduled my 2nd HPV shot appointment for Friday
  • wrote myself a starting place for new comics so I can start drawing this week
  • made mental notes about the last episode of KieryGeek season 3(!!!)
  • listed PS3 on ebay and made mental notes of easy things to do this week for more Seattle prep
  • wore bright red lipstick, because fuck the patriarchy
  • launched Swan Children

Things to do:

  • laundry
  • draw
  • draw
  • plan Humorotica
  • draw
  • add meta
  • add posts
  • write
  • write
  • film KieryGeek
  • hide long-sleeve shirts for the next month and a half until I need them again
  • finish code academy ruby course
  • start on making my badge site because self esteem reasons
  • update portfolio
  • draw
  • film new patreon video

muse:
I get in these moods where I’m almost hyper focused on one thing, which works out well until I finish that project, and then I feel lost. I love ruby/rails/making websites in general because it gives me the same kind of, good creative feeling, but on the other side of my brain that art and drawing does. It’s hard to describe but doing both of those (drawing and programming) makes me feel nice in my head, weirdly satisfying, but sometimes changing gears is really weird – like programming all week and then suddenly stopping because, hey look, the site’s basically finished (for like 10 minutes and then you realized there was more functionality you should have added but it’s so late and you need sleep, so you need write it down and do it later, okay? seriously, Kiery, it will still be here tomorrow when you’re awake) and I have a comic deadline I should do because comics.
But expelling a lot of creative energy in bursts is really exhausting. I don’t know how to balance that yet. Right now I’m at the part of the cycle where I worked non-stop, and I have more that I could do, but I’m soooo tired that I can’t, so I’m putting everything back into little bite-sized chunks even though I just really want to do all of the things (but the thought of doing all of the things is so overwhelming and makes me tired).
I go through this pretty frequently, eventually I’ll figure it out…probably. And later this week I’ll have a couple new announcements on the aforementioned website fronts that I’m really pleased about.
For now, I think I’m going to attempt to relax and calm my brain…maybe I’ll finally get past that one fucking level in Trine 2.

This Week in Art & Life (But Mostly Pictures)

Last weekend Alex and I went to New York to see some comedy shows as an early anniversary thing and it was awesome.

We saw The Thrilling Adventure Hour and Comedy Bang! Bang! and went to a movie and checked out central park and generally had an awesome weekend. Then we drove all night Sunday night and got home at 5:30 am Monday morning, which actually wasn’t all that bad, although I’m not sure my neck appreciated it.
I also consumed unheard of amounts of caffeine, which has been exciting this week. When I went to Planned Parenthood to get my shots on Monday I was still buzzed and slightly shaky, so…I warned the nurse about that when she took my blood pressure, because I was also over-tired and talkative.

One shot in each shoulder
One shot in each shoulder

Gardasil? NO BIG DEAL. My arm was slightly achey for a day or two, but nothing more than mild irritation. Tetanus, on the other hand. Dude. My left shoulder is still sort of sensitive – much more sensitive and irritated than Gardasil arm, so, if you’ve had tetanus and are skittish about Gardasil, Tetanus is worse – but still not in the horrific “I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN” category, so if you’re due for a booster, you should get it. Achey arms hurt less than dying, I’m pretty sure.
 
 


A lot of media attention is finally being given to the craziness that is modesty culture in homeschool circles, thanks to H√§nnah’s sister, Clare (who is amazing). ¬†Which has made this week very Patriarchy crushing and awesome (albeit intense).
I’ve needed to paint for a while, and I felt like this week called for all of the art to happen – including a rage-comic I haven’t written yet, and one I have. I channeled all of my feelings of rage and patriarchy-crushing into paints and mirrors and canvas, which did wonders for my mental health (as it usually does), and I feel like I can breathe again.

Fuck the Patriarchy
Fuck the Patriarchy

Rage
Rage

General Stuffs

Thanksgiving was a thing that happened. I’m still recovering.
Our apartment flooded on Wednesday, so we’ve had to re-arrange until, hopefully, our roof actually gets fixed.
Our computers are currently in the kitchen, because it doesn’t rain there.
My body is trying to find equilibrium with the progestin, and it’s making me kind of moody – well, that and the weather, because sinuses.
I’m grumpy because my setup is all messed up and my workspace is cluttered because two computers and all the wires and I feel like I can’t draw. I don’t have enough visual space to draw and it’s frustrating.
I can’t decide if I feel christmasy, and like decorating, or if I hate it’s guts because every night from 5-9 on the half-hour the LL Bean tree has a loud lightshow that I can feel the bass of.
A lot of very small things are stressing me out at unreasonable levels and I know I just need to wait it out, and meditate, and cry, but it’s frustrating. I hate feeling like I’m going to have a meltdown because I don’t have enough room to use my tablet, but, reasons.
In other news, making progress with Ni No Kuni. I stop after I die and take time to re-think my strategy. I’m working on the boss in the golden forest, I think he may be immune to fire, so I should try frost. I should try more slicing and less sand too, maybe less pebble throwing.

Life Happened

I have this familiar sense of needing to write – because all of the things happened – but not having enough coherent thoughts to put anything together. This happens a lot if I write infrequently, like I have been lately – lots of life happens in between posts and then I’m like, wait, what?
So here’s a brief listy-like update:
1: Humorotica has it’s own domain and new comics! And twitter (@humoroticathulu)
2. So does KieryGeek (and twitter @kierygeek)
3. I went and saw Aleka for a week and we went to a RenFaire and it was awesome.
4. While I was there, I CHOPPED OFF MY HAIR. And I think it looks awesome, and goes well with my new Gunnar’s glasses (Crystaline for drawing, yay!)
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I actually realized, today that the way my hair is cut is verrrrry similar to the way I draw my hair in my comics, which wasn’t intentional, but it feels very me and I’m happy about that.
5. KieryGeek 3.2 is out, about Guild Wars 2.
6. Crazy week. Thoughts. Things. Interesting. my brain is a blob right now.
7. Ni No Kuni, that is all.

I have something to say

I have a story to tell, a story that’s been hanging over my head for months and I haven’t said anything out of fear and now I just need to release it so I can feel better.
This summer, I was cornered by people I trust Рput into a situation against my will that triggered an onslaught of PTSD, flashbacks, and sent me back into the past where I was 16 years old, sitting on a couch, being berated and interrogated and told I was a horrible person.  
I’ve been dealing with the psychological and emotional fallout of that since – it’s gotten better over the last month or two, but for what felt like an eternity, I couldn’t write, draw, or even use my voice for fear of it happening again.
I forgot I was an autonomous adult because the situation sent me back to a place where I was powerless, because the people who cornered me kept calling me back every time I tried to escape, because I was already in the middle of a tunneling flashback, I shutdown, which for me looks like this:
I¬†¬†become robotic and stoic, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore, because I just became a shell running on autopilot, giving the answers that they want to hear as best I can without giving away more than I am comfortable with. Sitting calmly, listening to my accusers, showing no emotion, giving reasoned answers, trying to end the interrogation as quickly as possible.
Meanwhile,¬†I¬†am hiding somewhere in a cave warding off nausea, panic attacks, and tears.¬†Somewhere they can’t see.¬†Because I can’t let them see, it’s¬†not safe¬†to let them see that I’m bothered, that will validate their point.
I am well practiced at this. I spent my childhood perfecting this response. This is what my fight or flight looks like, because I was never allowed to express emotions or explode at my parents. 

Note: if I ever become stoic, cold, and reasoned during a discussion that is uncomfortable, I am not there. In general, I can’t talk about anything in any other way than passionately or emotionally.

When that finally ended, I was sick. We went to the lighthouse – as far away from the cottage as we could – and I curled into a fetal position and bawled and screamed for what felt like an hour.
I can’t really put into words all of the ways it hurt. My mind is a minefield and they tripped on all of them. Everything exploded in a dozen different directions – trying to figure out how much is PTSD and flashbacks from the past, how much of it happened, how to deal with the feelings of betrayal from people who “are just concerned”. Even writing about it now, almost 4 months later brings back all of the complicated feelings that are still a tangle of wires.
I made a point not to give them answers to their questions, and in the process a lot of very hurtful things were said and assumed in their own right.
I threw up all night that night, after everyone went to bed, assuming I was fine.
I told them it was food poisoning, but I lied. It wasn’t food poisoning, but I didn’t want to deal with more questions and “worry” and weird apologies-that-aren’t-apologies when I just wanted to be left alone. I am good, too good even, at telling people what they want to hear – often at the expense of myself and my own preferences. You could say I was trained to do so.
I was asked questions about my lifestyle and faith from a place of fear and worry, I was asked who my friends were and if they were christian (because you don’t want to get answers from the wrong places and they didn’t know who I was friends with). As if I were a 14 year old starting high school with friends doing drugs and they (complete outsiders!) were entitled to know.
At various points, even on autopilot, I did somehow find enough mental capacity to reiterate that I am an adult and I don’t have to tell them anything and I have no obligation to them. I’m proud of that.
They admitted(?) I wasn’t obligated to tell them anything as they continued to pry and confirm whether or not I am indeed a christian (or good person) and tell me that I should have come to them with questions (they don’t know where I’m getting answers!) because they’re pastors and know all of the things.
But the thing is, I didn’t have questions – I knew the answers, and ganging up on me, forcing me into a conversation and berating me, making wild assumptions and accusations and saying things that just show how misguided and misinformed they are about the world and how it works doesn’t make me want to talk.
I didn’t expect to have to deal with this kind of situation as an adult, I wasn’t prepared to feel trapped, again, and the fact that it happened bothers me.

Survivor's Guilt

Maybe it’s because I’m on that high from just finishing a comic after not drawing in way too long because set backs and busy-ness and certain-life-things just completely zapping any creative drive out of me, or because I’ve been rocking out to music in my headphones (which I’m sure looks entertaining), but, I’m really happy right now.
Dude, I make comics.
And I make videos about gaming.
The first of season 3 is yet to be out because reasons (not limited to, but including computer failure). I do have it planned though…And all but one piece of the puzzle has come in, so yay! Computer thing is being fixed tomorrow *crossfingers*
I had an epiphany in the shower a couple days ago…about how I don’t have to feel guilty for, I guess just the whole circumstance I am in where I am actually in a place where I can create and not have to worry about stuff. I realize I’m fucking lucky and that it’s so fucking rare for that to be a thing, and more often than not I have some weird kind of survivors guilt and feel like I should shelf it and join everyone else, you know? Because I almost feel like there’s something wrong that I have the ability to do these things and lots of people don’t.
But then I realized, that’s not actually helping anyone. It’s not helping me, if I’m sitting at home, paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I can choose the work that I do, and I’m not desperate. It’s not helping me if I force myself to go spend my time doing something that isn’t helping me actually grow when I don’t absolutely have to.
What does help people, and what does help me, is if I actually use the crazy lucky situation I’m in and create, and keep creating, and doing those things and bringing stuff into the world that makes it better, or bringing in the stuff I want to see. I don’t know how long anything is going to last, no one does, so who am I to not make things while I can?
I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else. I just realized…I don’t know, I shouldn’t feel guilty or like something is wrong because my life and journey looks different. I shouldn’t be paralyzed by survivor’s guilt because I can choose where to dedicate my time.
Because I really do feel bad about it a lot. Which I realize is idiotic. *shrug*
And now I’m remembering this poem, which I first discovered years ago when I watched Akeela and the Bee:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
– “Our Deepest Fear”¬†Marianne Williamson

And the more I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I think I am and what the hell I’m doing here and what makes me so qualified, the more apt it is, because….
If I’m quiet
and if I’m honest
and if I look deep within myself
In the corner I don’t want to admit exists
I’m terrified of my own power.
And that’s holding me back in the light of sudden…success
I’m really not that scary of a person
(you hear that psyche? I’m really nice!)
But for some reason, something dwelling in the cavern
says
who the fuck do you think you are?
and I just have to remember
who the fuck am I not to be?