force

I have stress induced canker sores in my mouth and it sucks (like 4). I’ve been sort of on the verge of/warding off a meltdown. I am stuck in complete and utter apathy towards everything that I am invested in and love doing.
I can’t sleep or eat without pain, because face. I have peroxide wash now though and have been doing everything else, including painkillers.
Everything sounds horrifically dull.
I feel like I’m shrinking back into my shell. I feel like I’ve stopped caring – which, actually isn’t true, because then I have moments of intense caring which leads to guilt which leads to…
All of my plans and ambitions seem grey and pointless and impossible.
I have to force myself to do anything, fight through the fog of why-bothers, and everything feels so…nothing-y
but I still force myself. I still force myself out of bed (and spend the rest of the day questioning that decision), I still force myself to be around for people and projects and things,  I still force myself to draw humorotica, even if I can’t seem to muster up the strength to force myself to draw when I need to and draw for myself. but the point is, i still force myself, and it hurts and it’s hard and it’s a battle and it sucks and I feel so fucking alone and stuck and it’s not even funny, but I still force myself, because I don’t know?reasons.
I feel like forcing myself counts for something. I don’t know what – probably nothing. Maybe I force myself because there’s a part of me that realizes I still need to kinda pretend to feel kind of alive or human. Or maybe it’s just guilt. It’s probably actually guilt.