Monthly Archives: June 2013

9 posts

And Now, We Wait

I finished in 11th place when voting ended – which is really good as I was still in the top 30. The 30 who move on will be judged on multiple factors, voting is just one of them (so placing is no guarantee) but I also got a lot of likes and comments and views on my video which is good – if not enough to get in, at least as a personal record. I Also doubled my youtube subscribers in one week, which is pretty epic, so thank you everyone!
It’s been an extremely intense three weeks, between life and voting and life – I really appreciate everyone’s patience with my incessant spamming and twitter meltdowns too. I’m going to attempt to get some more drawing done, and a lot of sleep this weekend while I wait to hear about whether I continue or not. Regardless, the next iteration of my vlog is going to be awesome and hopefully better than before. I already sketched out some ideas and as long as I can continue to acquire video games I’ll be in good shape!
<3 you guys are the bestest.

Vote for Me!


I found out while on vacation and internet-less that I made it. I’ve been trying frantically to stay on top (walking around for any semblence of data so I could tweet a tweet that I drafted hours before – it was a nightmare). I need to be in the top 30 for the first round and the top 10 for the second. Voting is daily! I haven’t fallen off the leaderboard yet (that I know of) which is great – but I’m dropping, so vote, share, watch the youtube video and like and comment (all of the activity in votes and on youtube will better my chances). This would mean the world to me. To be included even, is so validating because I’m doing something I love and something that is scary – just as scary as making comics. Being creative is scary, but so worth it – anyway, tangent, vote please, because it’d be a dream. I’ll make buttons and love you forever.

If I get back up to the top 10 I’m going to go get coffee in cosplay, and I’ll be announcing other stretch goals on twitter.



The Acceptance Chronicles: hey there's a new one!

I haven’t been able to draw in a week due to this lovely feeling of being run-over by a truck and allllllll of my dexterity disappearing (you should have seen me trying to move a cup, it was ridiculous). So Today, when my brain wasn’t fuzzy, the truck decided to start moving off of me (still hanging around, but I can move again, so) and MY HANDS WORK AGAIN: I decided to make the comic I was going to make last Wednesday. If you haven’t already seen it (because my current system isn’t very well thought-through) it’s over here at Chronicles of a Bitch Goddess (aka
It’s about lip hair because it still bothers me sometimes, more so than the others. I’m realizing that puberty sucks and that I was never ashamed of any of these things until they were pointed out (and/or ridiculed) to me. Which, for a tween, is really sucky when it’s coming from your family. Sorry little me, it really sucked, but most people are nice. <3
Thank you for reading these, if you have been. The conclusion of the puberty aspect of this will be the week after next (because I’ll be sans-internet next Wednesday). So make sure you check in for that (and just, follow it, because when I have my dexterity I post comics pretty frequently, and there’s a cross-post delay – and I have BIG PLANS, sort of).
Oh and for your (mostly) NSFW pleasure, go here.

Feminism and Women in Games

I am a gamer-girl. I fly under the radar, and I never have Xbox chat open. Honestly, I never interact with random people in game and I completely ignore trade chat. So, I’ve never experienced the bullying and misogyny that many other gamer-girls have.
But I have noticed, the lack of (well written) women characters in games. Sometimes it’s directly sexist, other times it’s just like, the women disappeared except for the occasional bar-maid or rescue quest. Never really main characters unless you *decide* to play as FemShep or FemHawke.
Bioshock Infinite, I felt, was groundbreaking because their female character was remarkably well written, strong, capable, and <spoiler> saves your ass more times than you can count </spoiler>.
A lot of people, when talking about female characters focus on what they look like. Which, I understand, I guess, but I also find it…I don’t know. I feel like if your complaint about female characters is centered around how they look, then you’re putting women into games as sex appeal just as much as the other people (without taking into account whether or not the design fits the entire world/style of the game and isn’t a special thing). Honestly, it’s an animation, I don’t particularly take issue with how things were rendered so long as the design fits the style of the game and story.
What I do wish, is that the writing of Elizabeth and her character-type weren’t groundbreaking. I wish it were standard. I wish women were written better, and even, actually written as characters as opposed to furniture or quest objectives. Maybe eventually we could get to the point of having a female character showcased as the default – but that isn’t going to happen until other things happen first.
As a consumer looking in to the world of games, I think that it’s a little similar to the world of female directors – there are some who work in “the industry”, but not many. Before anything changes I think we need to encourage people to write better characters, better stories, and encourage women to enter the game writing/design/programming world. That’s going to take time – especially, because apparently this is so new to people? It’s maybe not so much that it’s intentionally sexist (although, a lot of people are) but, like the absence of women in games, they just aren’t there (or if they are, they’re somewhere hidden in a male-dominated world, and we need to support them, and/or become involved ourselves).
Women should be in games and in the game creating industry not because they are women (because if we’re starting there, then I think we’ve already “lost”) but because women are people, human (just like men, WHAT?! o.O) and have just as much talent, insight, and story to offer as anyone else does. I think when we stop separating our lives – in and out of game – by gender, we’ll be a lot better off.
But that isn’t going to just happen.
If we want to see this happen, then we need to be writing the stories, making the art, making the games and becoming involved in the process. Gearbox (Borderlands) and Irrational Games (Bioshock Infinite) are two companies that I know of who take care in their story writing, and in their writing/creation of female characters – there are others, but those are just the two that come to mind right now (and then there’s indie games and I could go on – there are options!). Penny-Arcade forums are a great resource for getting started and the best thing to do? just make stuff. make lots of stuff. make the stuff you want to see, make stuff with other people, and put your stuff out there.
So that’s my advice – brought to you by the E3 controversies.

-5 to all stats

28 days
or so they say
my body disconnects from me
I feel as though
my entire being turns into
my enemy
I lose focus
I lose movement
I lose the ability to sleep peacefully
my body seems to plot
to take this opportunity
to stick it to me
“Fuck you!”
it seems to yell at my existence
gleefully plotting my demise
While I just sit here and writhe
hoping that the alternation
of ibuprofen and tylenol
is enough to warrant a few hours
of relief
it’s personal, you see
this struggle between my body
and me
I wait
and this is normal for me

Because of What It Means (and the story I'm afraid to draw)

red stain on pink
in a tree
in the summer
doing homework
everyone knew
everyone noticed
everyone but her
embarrassed she ran
not just because the publicity of the moment
because of everything it meant
everything she hoped to avoid
adults were proud
kids were worried
she didn’t even know what she was feeling
internalized anger
internalized hate
over something uncontrollable
Because of everything it means
to be fully grown
because of abilities
more things to be afraid of
the cycle goes on
muted for years
in the toxicity of existence
Later recognized
as symptoms became worse
discovering the root of the cause
so many roots
a tangled web
of reasons and fears
pain is more intense
rage is more explosive
depression doesn’t end
internalizing results in fantasy
would solve the problem
eliminate the ability completely
or so it feels
but she knows it wouldn’t solve anything
though the thought comforts
the intensity
the desire
to end it all
the fear
the potential
the pain
the shame because of what it means
It’s a love-hate
One day late means panic
Antidepressants keep the urge to plunge knives into the abdomen in a distant land
pain is on the verge of tolerable
there’s less shame
still fear
paranoia keeps her safe
or so she feels
she hates the symptoms
she hates the result
she hates the discomfort and the pain
but at the same time
the consistency is what keeps her
from panicking
one day late and it’s panic
talking down into reason
because stress effects everything
because of what it means

In which I write (really bad) poetry


I believe in empaths and telepaths – like the ones you see on star trek.
I believe that energy connects everyone, regardless of our awareness.
I feel energy from people I don’t know,
I feel the energy of arguments that aren’t even heated.
I feel the sads of people trying to communicate and making mistakes. I feel all of the things without ever knowing them.
I feel things stronger from people I know.
I am surrounded by feels
most of them aren’t even mine.
It gets to the point where I can’t tell
where mine end and theirs begin.
I internalize and never expel.
The more aware I am, the more sensitive I become.
I feel weak.
I wouldn’t trade this
for the world.
Even if they never know.

Too much

Melancholy Muses

You know what peeves me lately? lazy writing. It’s bothered me quietly since the 7th season of Doctor Who aired and the writers wrote the characters completely out-of-character, and then started off with a badass new companion and went back to writing her lazily and helpless. Watching Fast and Furious 5 and 6 (and reading poor articles) have just kind of compounded that. Anytime you’re using family/pregnancy/babies as a major motivator and spend the whole movie centering around how those are important, you lose me. I find it lazy because a) you completely lost the character of what’s-her-face, and 2) turned everything into un-layered, un-dementional motivations, reasons, and plot points. Admittedly, you shouldn’t be watching fast and furious for the writing, but I enjoyed the earlier ones that were actually, you know, about racing and stuff…

What is life? I’m so dissatisfied with the concept lately – of spending the best years of our lives doing things that we hate, things that discourage us, soul-sucking things, so for two days we can – if we’re not passed out from exhaustion – do something we want to do, and then, hopefully, when we get too old to have the energy and stamina we have now, then maybe, if we’re lucky we can actually live and follow our dreams. The prime of our lives is wasted away. And this is life? this is glorified? we’re supposed to live like this and enjoy it because that’s what responsible people do?
I’ve been depressed about this lately, because, like raising children, I don’t want that. I want more – I want to do be able to live doing what I love. I don’t want to wait 40 years and start from scratch.
I guess this is what most creatives have to deal with, and I’m not the only one. I just haven’t been able to think about it any other way than that I am remarkably dissatisfied at the prospect – and I guess, more than anything, determined not to let it happen.

I react to things strangely. What just upsets most people is often followed by “well, what are you doing to fix it?!” While this is a good starting place for some things, it tends to be overwhelming for me. When people are upset about ideologies/belief systems and I get upset about them too, I’m more frustrated because I can’t change it. When bad ideas and beliefs expose themselves in writing world, I get upset about it and want to do what I can alternately – but it’s not exactly what I do, and so I get frustrated while resolving to write in a better way when the opportunity arises.
It’s probably because I follow the idea that I should make the content I want to see. So when say, Doctor Who has a poorly written (somewhat misogynistic) season, I’m just as angry as everyone else on that level, but frustrated because I can’t actually fix it, but calling people out on it, and not offering an alternative feels wrong to me, so I don’t usually engage on the same level besides just being frustrated.
I don’t know what’s better: to call people out for their outdated ideas (that reap horrible repercussions) and join the outraged masses, or stay out of it and plug away at what I do and making my art better and not all those other things.