Monthly Archives: February 2012

19 posts

That one question

Do you feel any different now?
PartyI’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little different. Because for the first time in a while, I do. It’s a weird sense of accomplishment, being 21. Maybe it’s because I’m giving myself permission to step completely out of my box and just live as myself, as unashamedly as possible. Maybe, it’s because I feel like I’ve arrived into the world of adulthood (except for car rentals) and I feel a new sense of freedom – I can have a drink if I want to, go to that dance I’ve been wanting to go to for 3 years that’s 21+, get one of those champagne and chocolate and dinner/wine resort packages and actually use all of it. I can stand in line when we get beer, finally (that one cashier really ruined it for me :P) and I can even buy my own if I want to.
I feel in a way like I’ve finally “caught up” with myself. Like I’ve been just waiting for my legal age to catch up with where I felt like I’ve belonged for a while now (the real test is going to see if I still think I’m 21 when I’m 60 ;)).
Actually, I’ve noticed a bit of a change, however slight, since granting myself that permission instead of just groaning under the pressure I put myself under. I’m a little more sincere, and I don’t feel as bad when I’m just honest with how I feel about things.
I’m excited about my list, and this year, and my personal progress. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where I can actually say I’m happy about who I am, instead of shy and ashamed. I think I just might start to get there – starting with not defining myself with who I used to be years ago, but with who I am inside and who I want to be.
I’m 21, and I’m happy.

21 in 2012 {list}

list - 21 things in 2012
Turns out, I’m really happy that I started thinking about this list ahead of time. Because 21 things (of ranging feasibility) can actually be a little harder than you’d imagine to come up with. But most of these things are actually really doable, which is what I was going for.
Now I’m going to take this moment to revel in the fact that today marks the first day of the rest of my life that people can’t patronize me for being under-age. I want this year to be epic, and I think it will be.

Living Memoir 6 {final}

Living Memoir 6: Life Again
The end of the series. I could have drawn it out longer, but next month is kind of swamped and ending it here just felt right (and less repetitive). This scene is also made entirely in Fireworks CS5 – which decided to be really crashy today and took me a lot longer than it should have.
Hope you enjoyed it – I think I’ll definitely try to make more in the future, after my book is in the iBookstore and relaunched…


I have this weird ingrained thing where I have to clean or organize something on Friday. Sometimes it changes to Thursday, but it’s almost constantly Friday and it’s like a subconscious drive. I try to change it but it doesn’t work very well.
Today, I worked on my wardrobe. I’ve been wanting to for a while and one of the things that’s been on my to-do list is only wear/own clothes that make me feel good. So I sorted out my clothes into piles and was able to put the ones I wanted to wear back in my dresser (!) or hung them up. The real excitement will be after laundry. Because my most-worn/feel good clothes are in there so I’ll need to fit them in somehow.
Tuesday (I think?) I worked on the closet in The Flux. I saw someone turn an old dresser into a desk/storage for their office closet and I was kinda fed up with my cardboard side table that I couldn’t really do much with, so I took everything out of the closet, organized it and gave everything a “home” as my mom liked to say, and then set up my cardboard desk in there (since there was more floor space because I turned the suitcases into storage and put one on the shelf in that closet and put my other linens in one and put it on the shelf in my bedroom closet). Now it’s holding my box of random art supplies, my sewing machine, some stuffed animals, by sewing box and a bag of fabric is hanging from the rack.
Closet StorageLast week I changed the pictures in the kitchen, and they actually fit the space better and blend really well with the “I’m trying to look kind of modern with a hodgepodge of cool things” vibe we have running here.
Finally, today, I also organized my bookshelf by genre. Cook books and stuff on top, development is on the first shelf, fantasy/fiction/literature in the middle, and non-fiction at the bottom by the cat food. That doesn’t mean anything, I swear, I just keep the cat bowls there so they don’t get all messed up when I sweep. I don’t think the cat likes water a-la hair balls.
You’ll also notice, I have DVD’s and Xbox games and things intermittently – because…they needed to be somewhere.
After spending…who knows how many hours over the last few weeks half in frustration because of random stuff and no where to put them that isn’t cardboard (which, I still hope to remedy someday…with a trip to ikea). I finally am really happy with how my apartment looks right now. Subject to change – and I’ll probably take on the bathroom cupboard next week but hey, right now it looks good…and exhaustion has nothing to do with it.
*also, the Ron Paul sign, is hilarious which is why I have it. It’s *literally* a fan.


I struggle (and I always have) with feeling insignificant. With my self-worth and self-value. Anything that has to do with thinking I’m a remotely okay person who has a value slightly above that of a cockroach I’ve battled with. Extensively.
I blame myself for everything and anything. If it’s raining and I didn’t bring an umbrella I apologize because I feel like it’s either my fault it rained, or I should have known it was going to rain at that moment and brought something.
I have a responsibility complex which makes me feel like the world is on my shoulders and I just KNOW it will all end in nuclear war if I don’t clean my kitchen RIGHT NOW. But I hate having to spend so much energy on tasks that need to be repeated and I’m the one who does them all the time (and I don’t mind generally). But after a good long time, it comes back to my feeling less and less significant and like my primary function is home-hygiene. At that point, I just need to be a robot named Rosie. Or better yet, have a robot named Rosie.
When I get to the point that I feel like I don’t matter, I don’t do well. It bothers me because I know I matter in my head. I know I have people who like me around and think I’m relatively cool and that I’m a pretty decent human. But that does nothing to diminish the trapped feeling I have inside of myself – like I’m shackled to something and I don’t know what yet.
I take it out on my gender, and for the most part I’m okay with that. I don’t like being a woman. I just want to be a person without connotations of what women should or shouldn’t do or be in which circle, because I just want to be my complete self and I think a lot of that has to do with A) being human and B) being an ENFP (apparently, valuing individuality is a common trait).
Also, I get attacked by sharks and hormones every 3 weeks and someone needs to make that stop. It’s not healthy, I tell you!
But honestly, it would be nice to not hate myself for something I can’t help at some point. It would be nice to not lapse into an I-can’t-do-anything-unless-I-really-force-myself-and-then-take-a-nap depression when everything goes wrong because all I can manage to do is figure out a way to blame myself and try and take responsibility for something that I have literally no control over…which leads me to feeling useless and irresponsible and well, yeah, worthless.
It’d be nice to accept that sometimes I can’t do anything and that’s okay…and that somehow, my value as a person isn’t based on my ability. Is it intrinsic? And what does that even mean?
I want it to be, so badly. But I just can’t bring myself to believe that I am intrinsically valuable, even though I believe that about everyone else.
Maybe I’ll put this on my list. I am completely clueless as to the implementation. I don’t even know where to start. But if I made a little progress….that might be magical. I mean, how cool would it be to not hate myself?

21 things in 2012

I want to do 21 epic things in 2012 – I’m kind of hoping to make 21 a re-introduction to myself. Sort of like a re-do, but I suppose a better way to phrase this would be to reinvent myself. I’m not (and at this point, honestly, I think most people are aware) the same good conservative home-schooled girl that I used to be.
I hope, that now, as an adult I’ve grown in mostly good ways, though I still wrestle with myself-of-the-past occasionally and there’s a lot more growing that I have ahead of me. I’m hoping that by virtually giving myself a fresh start, a way to mentally reinvent and renew and re-imagine myself and work towards the woman I hope to become – free and unashamed. That the fear of myself-of-the-past that still haunts me will diminish and I’ll grow to accept myself gracefully and without shame.
Well, maybe a little shame, but the embarrassed kind of shame like when you were little and said silly things, not the bad kind that makes you feel like you’re just a bitch and worthless most of the time.
I have 3 things nailed down on my list and I asked some friends for ideas last night and then I had a brilliant idea at 5:45 this morning.
On my birthday I’m going to post my list of 21 things (because I’ll be 21), some of them I may or may not derive from my friends, and I’m hoping that various answers will remind me of the things that I’ve kind of forgotten (it’s been a long couple months) and then, obviously, I’ll update when I do them. Hopefully with pictures.
So my brilliant idea was to extend the dialogue here.
If you gave yourself permission to start over and do some things you wanted to do for yourself, what would they be? What are your dreams? What are things that you can do, but find you’re holding yourself back from doing? What would you be like if you gave yourself permission to reinvent yourself and become who you want to become?

Living Memoir 5

I spent Friday and some of the wee hours of Saturday Morning making these scenes in Fireworks CS5 in hopes of continuing to move over to a digital/vector format (because painting, scanning, and having to completely re-paint everything digitally is a chore). Hopefully these will continue improving as I keep having “ah-ha!” moments at random times for making them better.


I realized that I haven’t put up any pictures this week. I took some nice shots of one of our “sets” while we were filming last weekend, and I also painted another piece for my room. So I  figured instead of waiting and writing a post on each, and forgetting again, that I’d just put up some of the pictures from this week.

Feather Dream Catcher
New painting for my room: Feathery dream catcher



We eventually had the brilliant idea to bring down tea to sip between takes

Last night: Cupcakes!

Other things I did this week included a mad rage to move the Kurig off the Wobbly Table ™  and on to the nightstand that used to be in our room that I moved to the kitchen but that failed (it doesn’t work well for coffee in the morning apparently) because it was too short (I thought it was the perfect height…). So I’ll be moving that back somewhere today which is happy and sad. Happy I get my nightstand back, sad the coffee mess is back on the table and my pretty tablecloth that I made. 😛 Also, Valentines, cooking, menu planning (ew!), moving pictures around, and attempting to make the next scene of Living Memoir completely in Fireworks CS5 (work in progress today, we’ll see how that turns out).


Web design is out for today, but Alex set up a subdomain for me last night so you can play around with what I’ve got so far. Just hit up  and play around if you feel inclined. The form doesn’t actually do anything, but you can click all the buttons and write in the box. 🙂
I suppose I’ll go back to cleaning. I was working on my kitchen and cleaned out the litterbox (long overdue) so I’ll probably go back to the kitchen and find one last piece of art (or something) to exchange and put the fairies away.

Living with my personality type

A few months back I actually tried to figure out what my personality type was. It’s been helpful in understanding why I do what I do when I’m not really sure myself. I feel weird in the sense that I can kind of compartmentalize myself and look at myself from the “outside” for a while to figure out exactly what I’m doing in my head. I’m not sure that’s coming out clearly, but it’s the best way I can think of to describe it.
According to my portrait (and this is remarkably accurate):

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.
An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

My problem is that while I’m usually very good at focusing and completing things I’m into (and the fact that I know I can do whatever I want to well) I’m into so many things right now that I’m confused as to the order that I should focus on them. Which is exactly why my little corner here has a wide range of topics and isn’t centered around one particular subject.
When I was in school, I had basically *one* thing that I was focused on, one thing that I obsessed over and as I matured it kind of spread. It started out with an obsession over the late 18th century, particularly around the Revolutionary war. In high-school I became obsessed with the history of the founding and how politics has evolved since. I read everything that I could get my hands on about the time period and culture surrounding the events, the documents themselves (I had the sections of the Constitution memorized, I could tell you which bit was in what article and what section) I even had the Federalist and the Anti-Federalist papers so I could read exactly what had gone on while the Constitution was being drafted and what the arguments were. I did studies on the history of the evolution of the political parties and had a very detailed understanding of the election process. I couldn’t get enough of it, I was basically your standard geek/nerd but instead of video games and comics it was history and politics. My blog at the time was *very* focused on all things political, current, and historical.
Life happened and things changed, for the better I think. All of that information is tucked away in some recess of my brain that I pull out when I’m feeling sharky and someone is “wrong on the internet” and I feel qualified enough to comment. Besides that though, I don’t use it. I don’t dream about Patrick Henry giving speeches (thankfully, that was one weird dream) anymore, either.
But I miss that intense focus, and it feels a little weird without it. I’ve learned and been exposed to so many amazing things just over the last few years, things that I missed before and that I’m *so* glad that I’ve found now and can enjoy to my heart’s content.
So many recent discoveries (and not-so recent) that I want to focus on all at the same time (but I’m having such a hard time ordering them!).
Film-making: makeup artistry, acting, costume/wardrobe design, dabbling in screenwriting and all of the pre-production stuff.
Web Design: Started learning with XHTML in 2007, starting to pick it up again and I *love* it – I’d like to get good enough at it that I could actually possibly be paid, and I’d like to focus on wordpress…because I use wordpress and I like being able to customize things and I’d *love* to be able to write a plugin. I have an idea for one, right now it’s just html on my sidebar but I’d love to make some kind of interface for it sometime.
Art: Obviously. I found it again, after abandoning it for years. Painting, dancing, writing, performing. Some of it kinda fits into filmmaking but all of those things just make me feel so alive. Painting is therapeutic and empowering. Something about taking a blank canvas and pouring your soul into it is just kind of…amazing. I struggle with it because it requires things that I can’t always pay for by myself, so I feel guilty and I fight with the urge to make it all about profit to make up for the inability to pay for the materials. Because I just get so much from it, but I feel like I’m not giving anything back.
I danced for 7 years, which is why I’m flexible…but then I stopped, which is why I’m clumsy. Ballet makes me feel strong, *dancing* makes me feel strong and beautiful. My favorite thing to do on the Kinect is the Zen Fitness class on YourShape, because even though I’m not necessarily “dancing” I feel the same way. Strong and graceful, beautiful.
I miss being on stage too. The whole filming thing is kind of great because I’m one of the three cast members (haha) so I kind of get a chance to do that every week now, and when it’s released…well, I have dreams though this particular short isn’t the one that is going to make that, probably. I still think it’s clever.
I’m not good at music, but I’d like to learn. That’s sort of on the back burner. I’m not sure I’ve fully recovered from my one music experience at 5. Suffice it to say, nursing homes are probably not the best place for nervous performing 5 year olds.
Writing however, I do a lot of. Not so many stories though, I haven’t had an idea in a while.
But this whole, vying for my attention thing is kind of why my blog is as schizo as it is. So many things, and I want to do them all and do them all well. But I need to somehow be able to maintain focus and motivation for those (and also personal goals like fitness, hey, I’m 120 for the first time in a year two days in a row!!!). This is my outlet for that, I feel some responsibility this way, to keep going even if it’s a little bit exhausting keeping up with my brain and some things get lost by the wayside (my book, for instance :P).
I’ve decided one thing though, well two. One, it’s good that (as useless as I feel occasionally) I have all day every day to work on these skills that hey, might pay off someday, and that my husband is cool and supportive of all of that.
Two, I’m turning March into work-on-my-book-again month that way I’ll have one less thing in the back of my mind that I know I should be doing but I’m a little too tired to do. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll take my focus off of etsy for a while (we’ll see how taxes go) so I can go back to *enjoying* art without guilt and then put up the ones I’m particularly proud of and don’t mind parting with.
I don’t know, so many possibilities. How do I choose???
However, I might be scarce in March. Book launch/finishing and all – maybe that’ll help with the whole “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” feeling too. Time to think, center, focus. I need that.
If you made it to the end of this post without dying of boredom, thank you – you’re awesome.