Tag unstress

23 posts

sigh

I feel like a bad wifey. I hate being sick and not doing anything (Alex’s orders) and then having to ask Alex (who’s been working late and it’s sooo not fun) to clean for me because it starts to stress me out. I can’t paint either, due to coughing and neck-aches, heck, I haven’t even logged on to WoW this whole time. I feel like I should just clean anyway, and sweep and do laundry and whatever in spite of being sick, in spite of that totally not helping my cough, and in spite of the fact that I shouldn’t. I just feel useless and generally horrible. Even though, admittedly, it’s better for me to lay on the couch, drink lots of fluid, and do nothing. So I try and do things until he’s done – making fairy houses or whatever. Today I did end up brainstorming and got some ideas of what to work on next, so it’s not all nothing, I just feel like it’s nothing.
Alex has been awesome though.

Thought of the day

(well, and yesterday too)
Freedom isn’t something you ask for – it’s something you give/find/take/fight for yourself.
In other words, asking for permission (from others) doesn’t work. But sometimes, it’s been there all along waiting for you to to get up and allow yourself to take it. Realizing in the process, that you were the thing holding you back – after years of hearing others and yourself telling you “no” – that courageous step is sometimes as simple as telling yourself “yes“.

untitled

So I have this great idea for an art card – a snow at night painting, with a fairy holding a lantern. But it’s too cold, grey, and dark outside for me to paint it (read: I’m too cold and tired). I also have another idea for my last 16×20 canvas…but again with the being super tired thing. Half of me feels like I should just go do it….but the other side of me also knows I haven’t been able to work up enough energy to sweep my floors (thanks winter :P) and should probably just take a nap.
 
I was hoping to play some WoW today, but it was down (I think it’s back up now) so I finished reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets instead. I bought it while I was in Oregon, because I wanted to read something lighter than Orwell. It feels really good to read (and finish) a book again. I didn’t realize how much I missed it – or how long it’d actually been since I read a story.  Now, I can go to the library and get the rest of the series. For some reason they were always out of book #2. It’s funny, I used to eat books up when I was in school, and so did my husband, but now we don’t anymore – we read lots of things online, or get books for information, like Act or Die, but as far as sitting down and reading a story, that doesn’t happen much. Actually, it mostly happens on our iOS devices while waiting in line for a movie showing. Go figure.
 
I’d like spring to come now, cold and grey and snow for another week just sounds horribly unpleasant.

Fire, rain, and sleepy Kiery

When the alarms went off it was raining outside and dark in the room – perfect combination for sleeping in, so I did…until I started hearing sirens. At first I thought there was just an alarm going off at Starbucks and they sent a truck, as always to check it out (almost always false alarms) but then it got louder and closer. A few minutes later, more sirens, and it sounded like they were going down our street – they were. Apparently there was something going on at the school. I woke up, looked out the window – still rainy, couldn’t see any smoke, we opened the window in the kitchen and heard radio voices – and everyone was leaving the school. When I went outside on a walk, I noticed the air did smell a little smokey. I still don’t know what happened, just that I woke up from loud noises and then hoped it wouldn’t come over here (it didn’t).
So, I was grumpy, because I was tired and I decided to take it out in WoW. Mostly because I haven’t played in a while, and killing Lake Spirits for Motes of Water sounded like a good way to blow off some steam. The one problem with working the Master of Transmutation quest in Nagrand (because I’ve been wanting to quest there for a while) is that I’m 5 levels above everything – which is great for not dying, but not so hot on filling up the 3 bars I have left before I hit level 71 and get another talent point. Although, technically it’s for levels 64-70. I think the reason I waited so long was because I was flying over once at level 62 or so, and got caught by one of the guarded pvp areas with a level 72 something, which made me think I needed to wait longer than I did. Anyway, I *know* Nagrand has all the mats I need because I’ve seen all the elements there, but after I finish the other quests  I have, I think I’ll hit Shadowmoon Valley so I can get the Explore Outland achievement before moving onto Northrend.

psycho cleaning

Alex has me down to a science now. He knows the day after I spend all day in bed I will go on what he calls a “psycho cleaning” binge. Which is basically when I wake up, walk out of my room and discover that my apartment looks somewhat similar to tornado wreckage. There’s dishes all over and trash that needs to be taken out, and I make the mistake of talking about it while he’s in the middle of working which alerts him to grumpy-kiery-cleaning-time about to take place. Usually, I’m able to actually get to the cleaning part with Alex just being mildly annoyed and not stopping me and then the house is clean even though I still don’t feel all that well.
But Today! He intercepted me and put me back in my nice clean bedroom…and I decided that sounded better after I went back out and talked more and got some snacks and movies and Alex told me he needed to concentrate. So this is day two of staying in my nice clean, freshly re-arranged room and Alex taking care of me and bringing me food. I know I’ll hate it in the morning, but right now I’m enjoying hanging out under the blankets, looking at the glare of the sun on the snow outside my window, and thinking about sleeping more because I still have a headache.
I’ve also realized this is a good time to work on leveling my main. I made great progress yesterday, I’ve held off today because of my headache, maybe I’ll sneak out in search of tylenol (because it works better than ibuprofen) and work on that this afternoon.
Kudos baby.

Oh lovely Sunday

Today I went out and braved the weather to buy some candles that smell (more) like a christmas tree. Right now, we’re on the couch with the tree lights on, candles flickering, christmas pictures circling through the apple TV and some Rudolph music on the radio. It feels warm and happy and peaceful as we sip our tea and just hang out. Which is basically how I spent all the rest of the day, and wrapping an extra present while we wait for the rest to come in the mail (yay online shopping!).

Moments like this are awesome. I’m home.

Blog Evolution

Over the last year there’ve been many changes to this blog – it started out like it is now one blog with many different topics. Over the course of time I thought it would be cool to move my attempts at art to their own blog – because I thought that would be more interesting. Months passed and my husband made a comment about how maybe the evolution of my blog was somehow related to my self-confidence. As weird and lame as that is, he was right. I was trying to separate myself into parts that people would find most interesting – I set up a splash page, so if you wanted to see my art you could go there, if you wanted to see my (boring) random thoughts you could go here, if you wanted to just contact me, you could bypass the blogs completely. So whatever you were looking for, or whatever you were interested in, was right there, and you didn’t have to deal with the ‘me’ part of it.
For  while it helped me feel safe – I had an artistic (interesting) side and a separate (less interesting) thought process side. Thing is, they overlap. When something is a part of you, you can’t keep it separated forever – when your art coincides with your thoughts, your musing spurs creativity, what do you do then? Two different blog posts, apparently. Recently, I got tired of that (and Alex has been so supportive of this whole thing, and kept encouraging me to be *me* completely) and re-integrated my art blog here.
So, while I spent a lot of time moving blogs around for ease or whatever, what really happened was that I learned to accept myself completely, as a whole person – an artist and a thinker. Now, they aren’t mutually exclusive pieces of myself.  When you come to my blog you see me – artist, thinker, writer…an almost 20 year old discovering who she is. What I’m learning now, is that it’s beautiful.

Christmassy

Yesterday was probably the best day I’ve had in a long time. We didn’t do much – Alex slept late, I played WoW and listened to the rain fall. For the first time in a while I didn’t feel stressed. We just did whatever. After Alex woke up we went to the grocery store and got some balloons and strawberries and Alex surprised me by making a dish of chocolate covered strawberries and bananas and then we decorated our tree in red and silver while watching Elf. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out and watching TV and fell asleep listening to the wind. It was awesome.
When I woke up this morning the rain had gone and it was 50º and it feels like Christmas. I haven’t really been in a Christmassy mood at all and I’ve just sort of been flowing through December, but today, I feel warm and happy and like cookies might be tasty.

On Goals

I have to wait for iTunes to download it’s update and for my computer to restart (about 25 minutes), so I thought I’d take that time before painting to write down a few thoughts.
I’ve spent the last month or so working on some unofficial goals/plans, I’ve sort of hinted at them, but I never actually verbally told anyone till yesterday. I was talking to my husband about how even though I’m not where I want to be yet, I know where I want to be by next year, I know what I want to do, and even though nothing big is happening, every day I’m doing *something* to get me closer to that ( we were talking about projects, and how long it takes them to happen, and how sometimes they’re unfinished because they lose momentum).
So even though some of my stuff is put on hold for this month because I’m illustrating a book, it’s still constantly on my mind and I spend time working on painting (goes hand in hand nicely) and if I’m not doing that, I’m reading and learning as much as I can. It’s kind of satisfying actually.
We also invested in a Kinect last night so we can get some form of exercise in the winter when it’s impossible to make me leave the house. We worked up quite a sweat (and hopefully didn’t bother our neighbors) and I woke up this morning and did that again. We’ve been wanting to exercise more since both of our occupations are pretty stationary (painting and programming) but yeah, weather makes it hard to go out all the time. I’m hoping this will give us some motivation, plus it’s a ton of fun, and oddly healthy.
Time’s up, going to work on some more paintings now and rock out with pandora. 🙂

Stress meter

Last week was an overload – on Monday I was depressed, Tuesday I was stressed, Wednesday I got my first ever pink slip from the police (who explained my inspection sticker was expired and I explained I had no idea and was looking at -apparently- the wrong number), Friday we found out that everything inspection-related that could be broken was (and we failed), it can be fixed for $1300 and we’ll have our car back on Tuesday, Saturday we got a lift home to our locked apartment and waited for our landlord to come unlock it (keys were at the mechanic and in the couch. lovely). This week, we’re car-less till tomorrow (hopefully) and I miss Glee’s season premier (yes, that actually matters to me). On Saturday there were several times I thought I was just going to snap and lose it in front of everyone. Thankfully, Alex helped me feel better after he found me hanging out at the gallery (he waited at the apartment and I hung around town). He let me talk and made cinnamon buns and watched movies with me. Sunday I was feeling pretty good.
My stress meter is fragile – and I realized today, it’s *very* delicate. Right now I’m thinking that I should live in a bubble.  For some reason all my introspective thoughts or sad and scary daydreams take place while I’m doing the dishes…limited counter space and moldy coffee cups from the days we weren’t home aren’t exactly conducive to less stress. I sort of snapped a little, I was frustrated, took it out on Alex and his coffee cups. Mostly by rushing out of the kitchen and sitting on the couch with a pouty face. Alex pointed out that my stress meter is fragile and I need to take a break and cool down, I’d already done more than I needed to.
That helped. He doesn’t care if there’s stuff left undone, or if it gets done all the time, he just wants me to not stress.
So I was thinking while I was trying to cool down, that I’ve come a long way – I have a lot of shit to process and heal, but this is what I have right now:

  • Amazing, loving, healthy relationships with my husband, his family, and my adopted family.
  • no babies! or chance of babies!
  • a beautiful in town apartment that’s walking distance to everything (handy for days when I have no car)
  • warm cuddly blankets and the freedom to curl up and stay in them as long as I want to
  • good art supplies and lessons
  • freedom to learn and explore whatever I want to because I’m not tied down to a job
  • freedom to do nothing
  • a running car that we’ll be able to sell if we want to
  • safe friends
  • coats!
  • enough money to live comfortably (and Alex won’t let me in the clearance sections) and get things that I’d like because I *want* them regardless of practicality (even though I rarely do because I feel guilty for spending money on me…haha…and things that I *want* usually aren’t crazy expensive, and the ones that are we save for).
  • a ukulele!
  • dishes 😀

Big things, small things, random things, they’re all important to me. Even though I stress easily (soooo easily) and I’m not handling it as well as I’m used to (less suppression, so maybe it’s good), at the end of the day, I still have people who’ll make me feel better, and a safe environment, and people who want me to really live and be happy and people who don’t mind my imperfections or things I didn’t get around to doing. That’s progress.