First Two Days

Monday was my first day of classes. First time in a classroom with a teacher qualified to teach instead of in a church with a parent armed with a teacher’s guide and too much confidence.
I was overwhelmed and almost cried a couple of times – in a good way. My teacher really wants us to ask questions, creates an environment safe for interacting and won’t teach a subject she doesn’t know. It was so refreshing and scary at the same time. I’ve never been in an actual classroom, I am still not used to raising my hand, but I’m learning a lot. I was really quiet the first day, but the second day I started being more vocal and talking more and felt a lot more confident and safe and less overwhelmed than the day before.
Wednesdays are computer labs, so I’m looking forward to that.
She explained the number line works with negative numbers and it blew my mind.
I think I might have made a friend?
I think going every day is going to get easier and easier. I hope, anyway.

I was really sort of triggered and overwhelmed until I went back to class today. Feeling like an imposter and failure and like all my homeschool was showing, but also realizing that because of my history with math…I wasn’t ready for the attack of the feels. When she brought out the textbooks I almost panicked because the last time I asked a math question I had a math textbook it was thrown at my head…and not too terribly long after that my parents decided I’d never need anything besides cooking and checkbook skills anyway.
She had us write out some answers to questions about why we were there and I sort of vomited up – in as few words as I could – the story of my educational neglect and how I’m anxious about…..everything but mostly upset that my math is atrocious. I was then worried that I said too much, but she really wanted to know, and wanted to know how to teach us better, so…I think that was useful.
The first day I had to face all of my fears and feelings at once and then process that. I was overwhelmed and scared and also happy because I can really tell she cares, and I’ve never had a teacher who cares before, and it feels amazing.
Today was a lot easier. Today I know I can do it, and that she won’t throw a book at my face, and it’s okay to take a break and it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to do what I need to as long as I don’t give up. And that’s really important.


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