I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.
I have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not the thing I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.
I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.
This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.
Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.
Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.
Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.
Everyone is told, no crushes are allowed to happen at TeenPact (because you can “allow” a crush to begin with).
Boys are told, to open doors for women, to let them go first in line, and to treat them like they’re delicate little flowers. Essentially, boys are taught to treat women like objects who are helpless and can’t take care of themselves. Girls are told to accept these gestures, always, even if they’re unwanted. Never turn them down.
Some of this is Tim Echols forcing southern manners down everyone’s throat, and some of it is perpetuating the idea that women are “the weaker vessel”. It’s hard, as a courteous person, because, having boobs means I can’t practice common courtesy on a human level. I’m not allowed to open a door, trade my place, give up my seat for someone who’s a boy because then it is interpreted as a slap in the face to them and their efforts at (forced) chivalry. This tells women to expect “special” treatment because they’e seen was weaker, and teaches men that women are weaker and need help to do basic things.
We’re supposed to let the men take command in setting things up, in making decisions, and whatever even if we disagree or have a better one. We can’t just assert ourselves and say no like normal people, because we need to learn submission.
In what I like to call the 2007 Speech From Hell, Tim Echols started by going on a raging tirade about “effeminate men” and I’m pretty sure he worked in how homosexuals were evil too. He said that it was an abomination to god and he was really angry with any man he saw who didn’t act manly enough for his liking. He listed specific examples (that I thought were ridiculous) but I can’t remember what they were now.
Then, he turned his attention to women, he singled us out and spent far too long on another tirade.
He talked about how we need to grow up and get married (fast! young!) so we can start breeding an army, because that is what we women are supposed to do. Our job in life, our job to further the cause, is to create more people and train THEM to make the changes that (hopefully) our husbands will have started to make. If we did that, god would be happy, we would be fulfilling our roles as women – because that’s just how it is. Women are not supposed to actually lead, women’s place is in the home, behind a man, who is supposed to be bringing the nation back to it’s christ-centered roots (don’t get me started).
Well before that point I had sworn off marriage, because a life of doing nothing but being pregnant and teaching children with the HOPE that they would be passionate about the thing I was and want to do the same thing just sounded horrible and unlikely. When he singled out all the women in the audience I felt embarrassed, ashamed, sad, horrified, and broken.
Because I had been told by my parents that what Mr. Echols was conveying was indeed my purpose, but I didn’t want that. I never had. It sounded like hell to me, though I would never have used those terms. It sounded just….the thought of it crushed my soul, and I was hoping TeenPact would be the place I didn’t have to fit that mold, but I was so wrong. I knew that once I got married I would have to go into that box – so I swore it off, and in case that didn’t work, I resolved to do all the things I wanted to do before I got married. Remembering that speech still devastates me and kills that thing that it killed before over and over again. I think maybe it was hope.
I felt completely broken, like a failure, because while every other girl was sitting there, raptured, already sold on the idea of getting married and having kids and getting permission to get married young, I was devastated, because that was just not the life I wanted – not the life I felt I was supposed to live.
I was supposed to do what they wanted me to do, without question, because a guy said it, I was never supposed to think.
And yet, thinking is what saved me from that fate, so, Thank you, TeenPact, for introducing me to my thinker-husband, my thinker-friends, and our sense of knowing we can indeed change the world, and reverse the lies and beliefs you perpetuated that only serve to enable the abusive environments we escaped from. Because of you, maybe we can make that change.
To my knowledge, there have only been two female governors in Maine, and none (to my knowledge) in GA. Maine is seen by the staff as the more liberal/wildcard state where things happen there that don’t (or aren’t allowed?) happen in other states. Maine and Hawaii I suppose, because there’s surfing there and every staffer wants to staff those two states.
I know both of the female governors closely. Women taking on a high leadership position that isn’t somehow under a male is almost unheard of. I was shocked when I won “president” at Back To DC in 2007, but I think that was because the dude who was running before was an obnoxious 13 year old who wasn’t even going to stay the whole time and I had previously attended the class and the one other alumni there was on my campaign. I may have won favor with the staff when I shared that I was struggling with running for the position (because *gasp* I can’t LEAD), instead of running the campaign (because that was completely different).
At National Convention, Women are allowed (I wouldn’t necessarily say encouraged) to run for Representative and Senator, and even Vice President. In my time there, I only ever saw Boy/Girl Pres/VP teams, because women running for president, while not directly prohibited was just known to be taboo. I ran for representative but never made it past primaries – although some women definitely are elected, the majority of the faux positions are still filled by males. I know this parallels real life, but here it’s encouraged. Women in leadership positions is allowed, but sketchily, always under men.
In fact, we are told, many times, in no uncertain terms that we (women) are supposed to just go along with whatever the men say – even if we disagree with it, and to not speak up if we do. They’re supposed to lead, after all, and we’re supposed to submit.
In “girl talks” a session where the guys go out (to talk about opening doors) and the women stay inside we learn that modesty is on us. completely. It is our job to cause our “brothers” to not stumble while we’re at class. We’re told exactly how to wear and to not wear items of clothing. In State Classes we must wear skirts, and they must be over the knee when you sit, never too tight when you move or bend over. All clothing must be able to hang or give at least an inch from your body, but simultaneously, should also be cute/professional and not frumpy. Just to be safe, I wore several layers – in the middle of summer, in the hot GA sun – just in case I got wet, or the sun caught something and my one-size-up tshirt were suddenly opaque.
We must be vigilant, and tell our “sisters” if they’re wearing something we think is too tight or revealing. Lady-Staff will confront girls to change their outfit if they feel it’s inappropriate. Because, again, it is our responsibility to show ourselves as non-human-shapeless-forms so our “brothers” don’t accidentally see our bodies and think something bad.
Boys aren’t told how many fingers width a neckline is allowed to be before it’s “too much”. They don’t have to reach up, and bend down to check and see if any skin shows.
But we, we seductresses in our pubescent awkwardness, we must never show any more skin than necessary to avoid heat exhaustion – and even then, pants must be loose!
I hate using the phrase “rape culture” but the more I think about it, the more this perpetuates it – because regardless, it is ALWAYS the women who are at fault. We are essentially told as much, and this is coupled with “don’t tell a man no” is just a setup for abusive environments and relationships to thrive.
TeenPact is a christian conservative/evangelical organization that organizes government and civics classes and camps throughout the country. Their goal is to raise a generation of christian leaders (teens) to go and bring the country back “for christ” by encouraging activism and male leadership.
When I think about TeenPact and my time there, I don’t feel anger – like I do with most of my other past experiences. I feel confusion. Because I have so many good memories and experiences that are entrenched in environments that perpetuated the lies that enabled an abusive environment to thrive.
The thing about organizations like TeenPact and NCFCA is that their goal is to raise a new generation of leaders – thinkers, even – to do one specific thing: Take the nation back (for god!). What they don’t count on, is that by giving us the tools and resources to think critically, we’ll actually, you know, think critically and carry that on throughout our adulthood. Which is awesome and I’m really happy that I was allowed to learn that, because it’s served me well and enabled me to become the person I am today. Funny thing though, our parents and the people who head up these organizations get extremely grumpy and upset when we do what they taught us to do (or at least you know, the thinking part of that) without doing the rest of what they wanted us to do.
They teach us how to think, but then, they don’t actually want us to think, they want us to do their bidding.
And this, in a nutshell, is my beef with TeenPact. I’m going to be splitting this into parts instead of writing a book of a blogpost – because some things need to be fleshed out more, so for today, I’m going to concentrate on one particular event that happened while I was staffing.
I staffed one of the GA State classes in 2007. As staff, I helped oversee the voting process – a process which is designed to teach students about how elections work (assuming everyone is honest). The votes were tallied and my friend was a clear winner. I was pleased with this, and a little proud because he had really gone out of his comfort zone to even run. I was appalled, confused, and maybe a little angry when in that back room the Program Director turned to us and said, well, I don’t think he’d make a good governor, we should choose someone else. The founder was there and the high ranking staff wanted to impress him (by discarding the process?) and decided that my friend wouldn’t do it.
So in that back room, the Program Director, and the higher ranking staff decided to choose someone else from the 3 candidates to be governor and told us to be quiet about it. I was 15 (2 weeks before my birthday) and I had no idea how to respond – I was too shocked to say anything and too surprised to complain or dissent, so I stood there quietly, feeling as though my mouth was gaping. When we left the room with the new results, and with the Program Director deciding that his vote overruled all, I was full of shame and guilt. We announced who won and there were many questions – because in the other room, everyone tells everyone who they voted for, so everyone actually knows who won. People asked me questions and I couldn’t respond, my friend asked me and I was crushed and had to give him the same line I had given everyone else “it’s just what the votes were”.
I felt helpless because everyone who I would have talked to about it, was in that room and made that decision. They didn’t expect dissent – honestly, I don’t even think dissent is allowed, though it’s never directly stated – it’s a very homogenous group and anyone who does dissent is instantly cast as weird/strange/anything you don’t really want to associate with.
The staff did what they did because they didn’t want to get in trouble with Mr. Echols. I don’t know what the staff meetings are like, but I imagine that choosing a good face was enough of a requirement to strike fear into the hearts of the interns.
1) Where/How can I join in the blog-week?
You can submit a guest post (anonymously, or not) to either Starfury or myself (via contact forms) and we’ll post it during the week. You can also write a post on your own blog, and add your post to the link-up widget we’ll be integrating on Between Black and White (and if I can get it to work here, it should show up here too).
2) When are we posting?
We’re posting any time during the week of May 20th – May 26th. I’ll be sharing my story in three parts, here, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Between Black and White will be sharing stories/guest posts all week, and I’ll have Tues/Thurs/Sat for guest posts as well.
3) How can I share?
I’ve started using the hashtag #teenpactersspeakup on twitter, you can share via ALL the things, and if you’re using twitter, feel free to use the hashtag (or think of a better one and let me know, my hashtag skills aren’t awesome).
P.S. This is the first blog-week that I’ve actually orchestrated so if you have any other questions on how it works let me know and I’ll come up with an answer. 😉
I was talking to a friend a while ago, and we were comparing notes on our experiences with TeenPact. It feels like such a taboo subject to talk about, I’m actually almost scared to, which honestly, is why I am – because if this one thing from my past has this much hold on me for no real reason (when I’m open about everything else) I should probably talk about it.
So on the 20th-26th, we’re doing an Ex-Teenpacters exposé. Because TeenPact is just another piece in the conservative christian “culture wars” machine that teaches (or in my case, because most of this wasn’t new, emphasizes) the lies and the wrongness of my past as right and perpetuates misogynistic theology (among other things).
Guest/Anonymous submissions are welcome and Starfury at Between Black and White will be posting them over the course of the week. If you’d like to post on your own blog (like I am) we’ll have a link-up widget over there as well.
I have a feeling that our two stories aren’t the only ones out there, and I think it’s time that we give those a voice.
If you want to submit your story, email us here.