Tag working

3 posts

Survivor's Guilt

Maybe it’s because I’m on that high from just finishing a comic after not drawing in way too long because set backs and busy-ness and certain-life-things just completely zapping any creative drive out of me, or because I’ve been rocking out to music in my headphones (which I’m sure looks entertaining), but, I’m really happy right now.
Dude, I make comics.
And I make videos about gaming.
The first of season 3 is yet to be out because reasons (not limited to, but including computer failure). I do have it planned though…And all but one piece of the puzzle has come in, so yay! Computer thing is being fixed tomorrow *crossfingers*
I had an epiphany in the shower a couple days ago…about how I don’t have to feel guilty for, I guess just the whole circumstance I am in where I am actually in a place where I can create and not have to worry about stuff. I realize I’m fucking lucky and that it’s so fucking rare for that to be a thing, and more often than not I have some weird kind of survivors guilt and feel like I should shelf it and join everyone else, you know? Because I almost feel like there’s something wrong that I have the ability to do these things and lots of people don’t.
But then I realized, that’s not actually helping anyone. It’s not helping me, if I’m sitting at home, paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I can choose the work that I do, and I’m not desperate. It’s not helping me if I force myself to go spend my time doing something that isn’t helping me actually grow when I don’t absolutely have to.
What does help people, and what does help me, is if I actually use the crazy lucky situation I’m in and create, and keep creating, and doing those things and bringing stuff into the world that makes it better, or bringing in the stuff I want to see. I don’t know how long anything is going to last, no one does, so who am I to not make things while I can?
I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else. I just realized…I don’t know, I shouldn’t feel guilty or like something is wrong because my life and journey looks different. I shouldn’t be paralyzed by survivor’s guilt because I can choose where to dedicate my time.
Because I really do feel bad about it a lot. Which I realize is idiotic. *shrug*
And now I’m remembering this poem, which I first discovered years ago when I watched Akeela and the Bee:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
– “Our Deepest Fear” Marianne Williamson

And the more I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I think I am and what the hell I’m doing here and what makes me so qualified, the more apt it is, because….
If I’m quiet
and if I’m honest
and if I look deep within myself
In the corner I don’t want to admit exists
I’m terrified of my own power.
And that’s holding me back in the light of sudden…success
I’m really not that scary of a person
(you hear that psyche? I’m really nice!)
But for some reason, something dwelling in the cavern
says
who the fuck do you think you are?
and I just have to remember
who the fuck am I not to be?

Quilting. (or busy kiery is busy)

I’m thinking I’m going to try and do a mystery quilt this fall/winter.
So far, the rest of the year looks like this:
Work
Film for two (going on 3?) web series
Read some fantasy books on my list (or if all else fails, comic books – I did this last year when I was working, before bed, it was great for unwinding and sleeping without the “I’m going to stay up until 3am to finish this!” side effect)
Game night thursdays (and the occasional Warmachine night/tournament) and WoW/random video games with people – I foresee a good bit of halo.
Quilting (or crocheting or whatever)
And general artsyness, including my show on Friday.
Holidays and gingerbread and shopping are in there somewhere too. 🙂
It feels a little crazy, a little overwhelming and I get a little tired and scared at the thought, but mostly I’m really excited because I like this, I like being busy and doing things – I have some of my coming paychecks already spoken for: backing a few indiegogo/kickstarter projects, Mystery Quilt, and Mists of Pandaria and more than likely GW2 and a phone upgrade…and presents, and art supplies, and clothes, and tech. This is what I spend my money on guys – This is also what I do with my life and I love it, I think it’s fun and that’s a good thing.
If posting is scarce until January (you never know with these things), you know why.
 

Time Management

I’ve got a semi-intense seasonal job which is really amazing. I like what I do and I like that it ends before christmas and enables me to save/create an art fund and buy christmas presents without feeling bad for mooching off my husband (not that that’s bad either, or that he minds, ’cause he doesn’t, but there’s something empowering about having *my own* in a separate bank account and making things a little easier in *our* finances as a result). However, with this brief change and total upheaval of my schedule (waking up at 8 and going to bed by midnight) I’m finding myself more and more in awe of the people I know who work and find time to do things like write and create during the day on top of all the other stuff we end up doing (cleaning, much?).
I’m usually pretty decent at managing my time, but lately I’ve been so exhausted by the time I come home, the most creative thing I do is unwind in Azeroth (not that I mind…’cause it’s a blast and I do it with a friend and it’s the highlight of my week 😉 ). I was painting for a while, before thanksgiving, but just haven’t felt quite up to that lately (too much energy and cleanup). There are a lot of things I just don’t have the energy to think about and facebook/online communities become more of a drain than an outlet. So I haven’t been writing much, or painting much, or doing much besides problem solving and questing and cleaning when I force myself (like today, because the mess was stressing me out).
I admire my husband so much more now, for being able to do projects and what not after he’s done working, because it’s all I can do not to just fall right to sleep.
But creating makes me feel alive and writing keeps me sane. Even just writing this, in my exhausted little brain, I’m feeling a little bit more energetic and relaxed.
So here’s to all the working people who manage to do something with their minds besides just work, because for some reason, that alone is a lot of work…for me anyway.
unplugging now. Cheers.