Tag vent

2 posts

trigger(ed by SCOTUS and Hobby Lobby): a semi-tipsy sad muse time

I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.
Today is really triggering a lot of not-good feelings.
I hate how having a body…
this female-assigned body
tends to affect my life
and future.
 
I hate being reminded about how my body dictates
or rather
I hate how my body is dictated by people who aren’t me
people who employ me
could stop me from getting the care I need
the care that currently keeps a lot of the self-loathing
the self-mutilation fantasies at bay
the thing that’s made me feel me and human and be okay
 
I need birth control to be able to be me
and not try to plunge steak knives into my gut every few weeks
 
and decisions like this
make me want to pull out my uterus
and stick it on a stake
and never have to deal with it again
to not be subject to my body
the needs of my biology
 
I want to be able to get rid of that which people say
makes me a woman
because I’m not one
and with birth control and anti-depressants
I can be a person
I can live
 
but without them? I’m not healthy.
 
right now I just need to run away. right now I feel boxed and gendered because things that effect my body effect me, and me and my body? we’re not the same. I feel dysphoric today, and it’s really hard.

vents and sundry

1) definitely going to up the dosage on my meds
2) there is nothing quite so terrifying as being called at by a strange man while I’m minding my own business at the pool. Yelling “Hey pretty lady” at me, twice, is NOT going to get me to respond to you, it is however, going to freak me out for about a week and cause me to fake-sleep and run-through scenarios that may or may not include injuring your testicles at the first opportunity.
(in all honesty and in the spirit of the #yesallwomen tag on twitter, I am terrified. I am small and I know it and I rely on my wits and my acting oblivious when I’m actually ignoring people to avoid situations where I feel threatened and hopefully the unresponsiveness de-escalates the situation. This isn’t uncommon for anyone, but it’s scary as fuck, and it doesn’t happen to me that often, which is maybe why it still bothers me – because…I generally weigh where I’m going against the likelihood of these situations.)
3) my body is mine and not yours to comment on. This kind of treatment (like my body is something to be discussed while ignoring that I am a human, and that I should listen to their commentary about my body because I somehow owe them my appearance and thus should do my utmost to submit to their preferences) is why I don’t go to my game store anymore, and why I avoid people who give off the aura-of-douche. I’ve done remarkably well so far, but pool-guy triggered this whole thing and he pisses me off.
He probably didn’t even think twice about it. Probably thought he was being completely normal and like I’m some rude person. Seriously. no. it’s SCARY. DON’T DO IT TO PEOPLE. I have no way of knowing your intentions but when your first point of contact is aggressive, every instinct I have says GTFO. hello IRL caveman.
4) in that vein, if what I do gets your dick hard, don’t tell me. I don’t a give a fuck, and I realllllly can’t emphasize how much I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. (And also how creepy it is for you to offer that information to me, a complete stranger)
5) I’ve been working on making the new comic site with Ruby on Rails and I finished all of the backend stuff this week and started on the CSS. I was going to use Macaw, and if you’re someone who’s not familiar with CSS and HTML, it’s something you might enjoy checking out, but after trying to finagle with the css code itself after the fact, I decided to scrap it and write my own, so that’s probably what I’ll be working on next week and I’m super excited. I got a gem that lets me render and write text in markdown (redcarpet), and I got authentication working and it’s all really kinda awesome and I’m really proud of myself.
I feel like if I can do this and finish it and it works, I can do anything – which is great, because I have at least one more ruby-blog/project thing that is in the works that I need to start on. That one I have actually mocked up, but haven’t started writing or anything, obviously, and I may cheat and try to not make my own custom backend/CMS for it. I’m currently thinking about creating my own video hosting/sharing/thingy for KieryGeek because of youtube’s douchery, and that I will probably ALSO create using Ruby on Rails if I decide to go ahead and do that. That project, if I do it, I’m hoping to opensource/ put up on github so other people can use it too. It’ll also force me to learn how to use github besides just for installing/finding gems and answers to questions.
6) I got all of the things that were stressing me out done today, I think. I feel like I did ALL OF THE THINGS, and I kinda did, but most of today was just deadlines. heh. I still should get a prize though.
7) I would really like my plumbing fixed.
8) I am a fairy