Tag thought

6 posts


I lived in a rigid world with rigid language. Words like evolve and evolution were almost taboo and never spoken except in reference to something bad (or the theory, which was also bad). The act of evolving was treated with disdain when it was obvious. The word fascinates, resonates with me – it always has. Evolve – the gradual growth and change. The word itself rocks rigidity, rocks the mindset and the world; it’s no wonder it was practically shunned – that I was scared to breathe it until after adulthood without feeling the need to caveat.

Still, as I mused at 3:30 this morning, if there was one word that described all of me – my values, my personality, my goals – it would be evolve. I don’t want to stop growing in my 20’s; to remain stagnant for the rest of my existence. What is existence if there’s no evolution? If we’re not changing and growing and learning? If we resign ourselves to staying the same, shunning any personal change, how does that make us better? wiser? experienced?

To me, the integral part of my existence is the ability to evolve and continue evolving. To learn, to change, to strive. I survived by suppression, by trying not to change – I didn’t start living, no, thriving, until I allowed myself to grow, to gradually change, and embrace that this is what my humanity means to me.

Waxing Eloquent

I have a secret language that I speak inside my head. When I’m feeling brave, I write this way. It’s my own kind of prose, words have a rhythm and sentences flow. Phrases turn and swirl into what I like to call my butterfly language. When I’m honest and I write like this, I feel like it looks weird on paper screen, I’ve only gotten a few good responses when I use this language – I’m afraid it doesn’t make sense. Which is why most of my writing style is more train-of-thought like.
I’ve been introspective lately, and vulnerable – not in a bad way, just….my heart keeps emerging from my chest and wanting to place itself on my sleeve. It’s fluttering about looking for a place to land, leaving me feeling insecure and causing awkward (to me) social hiccups which I, in turn, overcompensate for.

It’s a new stage of me, just like a caterpillar coming out of a cocoon and realizing it’s a butterfly.  The confusion, the vulnerability of feeling so open and exposed, and yet so alive. The first few moments of flying, or attempting to fly probably result in somewhat embarrassing moments – colliding with the earth and bumping into plants, I imagine they feel a little over apologetic too, in this growing stage.
But I realized, as I’ve had a lot of time to think, that this is a good sign. It means I’m evolving, I’m becoming myself and growing. More importantly, I’m growing braver, my masks are coming off and I’m still flying a little awkwardly, still fighting oh so many insecurities that come with exposing myself, my soul coughs and makes messes, but that’s okay.
I am in a vulnerable existence, but one that is very much alive. I will use my prose voice and wax as eloquent as I wish, because…..why not?

My sort-of-not-really-almost-schedule-of-day-ideas

In other words: What I want to tentatively do during the 5 weekdays starting with Monday.
Nothing happens on Monday, productive Mondays are non existant unless I feel otherwise. Mondays are for gaming and fun or being creative. Mondays are for recharging.
Tuesday is preproduction day for KieryGeek. Because I’m coming right off a relaxing and guilt-free Monday (hopefully) so I’m ready to do a lot of thinking and planning and writing and stuff.
Wednesday is the day I do Freeport Creative Arts related things as they come up, update the things that need updating and talk to whoever needs to be talked to.
Thursdays are for me, I think, maybe. If I can keep the guilt away. I’ll spend Thursday investing in whatever I need to, or feel like at the moment. Team Treehouse, Code Academy, reading my art books, reading a fun book, or gaming, or painting, or whatever. Also, game night.
Friday is for Bruce Roberts – making sure everything is updated, and checking up on the things that need to be checked up on, talking to whoever needs to be talked to.

In truth though, all of those a spread out over the course of any-given day as needs, calls, and ideas arrive. But for some reason, giving myself a tentative day to dedicate to each thing makes me not feel bad about spending time on one thing, when I could be doing something else. Thank you overactive guilt complex.
More than likely, this will completely change in the next few weeks. Especially because the production of KieryGeek will be an underlying element throughout everything too. Oh! I should make a graph!

Changing the World

I used to fantasize about either taking over the world, or just changing the world in high school.
I’m good at politics and basically lived and breathed that world for 4 years. My politics have changed significantly since then, but sometimes a moment comes along and that bit of me that I’ve left in the past where I thought it belonged, sparks.
I realize more and more that I have many “faces” but not so much faces, as facets. I get energy and exhilaration from many things, and maybe there’s a way to embrace all of those passions, and not focus solely on one at the expense of another, or cut one huge part of myself off completely just to avoid it.
Maybe I can blend my love of the arts with that thing that ignites when I’m culturally aware and just want to do something. It’s all I’ve ever wanted really, and it’s been staring me in the face. All I want to be able to do is something, to change something, to have a reason to be remembered because I tried to make something better.
It makes me feel so vulnerable. I’ve been looking for something new but it’s been there all along, just different than what I thought it was initially.
I want to make a mark on the world, and I want to make it better. I feel alive when I make things and do things that I feel matter. I love art because with it I can express thoughts and emotions that I can’t put into words.
I don’t want to make propaganda pieces or anything, that’s sort of….my definition of what my art shouldn’t become – and whenever I’ve tried it always turns out much too preachy for my taste. I prefer to center around universal truths that seeking souls sort of…find and cling to, or mine does anyway. But art is powerful, and I’m good at that too.
Artivist? maybe… Rise of a Beautiful Champion? perhaps (sounds like a weird movie title). Maybe I’m an idealist…but maybe in some way, I could change a small part of the world.
Starting with mine {and learning what that means}. Maybe having a vastly huge and possibly unattainable dream with so much room to explore isn’t a bad thing, because small ones just aren’t working for me.
I have a voice…I’m just learning what it sounds like.
Strangely, the epiphany occurred while reading this article from Esquire.

Crash Course Challenge day 8

I took a well deserved break yesterday and spent the day playing the xbox and hit the books again today.
I read some more about perspective (and how to draw it) in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, and internalized more of the Everyday Work of Art. Most of that I’m still mulling over – learning, experiencing. So many things about the way I think and my approach and art are starting to make sense in my head but unable to actually verbalize them.
I’ll leave with this thought though: Beauty is the experience you have with something that resonates with you. The compulsion, the calling out – and under it all lays Wonder, and the discovery and journey to notice, create, and experience life to it’s fullest, is art.

She Decided

Yesterday I wrote a phrase on my whiteboard, and it sort of stuck and has been swirling around in my mind.

She decided to start living the life she imagined. She believed she could, so she did. She replaced her fear of the unknown with curiosity. She looked around, and life was pretty amazing.

I decided to create a watercolor painting that depicted the feel and the thoughts circling my mind centered around this one concept: She decided to live the life she imagined.
To be honest, I don’t really know, what in detail, the life I imagine is, let alone, how to live it, but I know what I want it to feel like, I know what I want it to be like – full of passion and adventure and love and trust and friendship and caring. At least, that’s what sort of came out in the nonverbal thoughts of my emotions while I was painting.