Tag sexism

4 posts

Being a Girl is Just Better

I found our last two bibles in the closet the other day, one of which is KJV (of course). I spent this evening trying to do art with/deface it, and I got up to leviticus before getting bored/having it in my face started getting to me. It’s weird how triggering objects can be – bibles, dental floss, strollers, big vans…
I’ve felt weirdly out of it this week, kinda listless and unfocused, but antsy. So I’ve been puttering. Puttering is a weird word, it’s really fun to say, but it was also a word my parents used a lot, but it’s also a word I don’t know how to replace. Puttering: doing random busy work/cleaning that doesn’t require too much thought or result in much stress energy. I putter around on the sites I manage – make tweaks and updates, I’ve been de-cluttering random stuff IRL (actually only have two reachable surfaces left)…puttering. The phrase is like a low grade trigger.
And maybe it’s that, and a run-in with general triggery things this weekend that’s been making the phrase my dad repeated ad-nauseam stuck in my head all day.
Being a girl is just better
I don’t know what made him think that – maybe a little bit of jealousy because my mom got to stay home and sit in a recliner in a state almost-constant pregnancy, or maybe because in their sexist complimentarian marriage, he had to carry all the weight?
What wasn’t said at the end of the phrase was strongly implied:
Being a girl is just better:

  • because you don’t have to worry about responsibility
  • you don’t have to make hard decisions
  • you don’t have to fight or stand up for yourself or your family
  • you always have a man to protect you
  • you don’t have to get a job or do anything but homemaking (fun?)
  • you don’t have to think about anything
  • you don’t need to be smart or have thoughts of your own
  • you get to be served by men (by staying home and doing what they want you to do in exchange for dates and some of their income?)

Being a girl is just better because who needs autonomy anyway?
Being a girl meant:
I didn’t get to decide anything (and that was better because decisions are hard)
I always had someone to take the fall (which was better than me having responsibility for myself)
I didn’t need to learn “male” skills – like basic building, or how to pump gas or change a tire (I could just have a guy do it for me)
If I could cook, hold my tongue, and produce children, I would be a success (because women don’t need their own thoughts)
My dad/husband/brother could/would get me out of any situation and defend me (because I couldn’t defend myself)
In exchange for my autonomy I get a pre-defined life of luxury (if luxury = breeder, chef, teacher, house keeper, and sex toy)
 
Even though no one has told me that phrase in years, sometimes, with conversations with people, it’s still a really strong undertone.
Because even though other people never phrased it quite like my dad did, this insidious patriarchal brain worm, this line they tell people-born-with-uteri: Life is better for you, great for you even, just stay in line, and you’ll never want for anything.
I think being reminded that I’m not what any of the parent-figures in my life had planned for me to be, is just another version of the same line.
Being a girl is just better: just stay in line, and everything will be perfect*.
But even when I was a little kid, and I was told that my lot in life was just better… I knew it was a lie.
Maybe some people can happily trade their autonomy and agency for being “taken care of”, but that deal never seemed sweet to me, it seemed wrong and unfair, though I didn’t have any words for it or any way to express it.
Being a human adult may be more work, require more effort, and mean I have to own my decisions, but I lived without autonomy for my whole childhood, and I’d much rather own my decisions than be denied my agency.
I don’t care if that means I’m not who I was planned to be.
Fuck the patriarchy.

trigger(ed by SCOTUS and Hobby Lobby): a semi-tipsy sad muse time

I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.
Today is really triggering a lot of not-good feelings.
I hate how having a body…
this female-assigned body
tends to affect my life
and future.
 
I hate being reminded about how my body dictates
or rather
I hate how my body is dictated by people who aren’t me
people who employ me
could stop me from getting the care I need
the care that currently keeps a lot of the self-loathing
the self-mutilation fantasies at bay
the thing that’s made me feel me and human and be okay
 
I need birth control to be able to be me
and not try to plunge steak knives into my gut every few weeks
 
and decisions like this
make me want to pull out my uterus
and stick it on a stake
and never have to deal with it again
to not be subject to my body
the needs of my biology
 
I want to be able to get rid of that which people say
makes me a woman
because I’m not one
and with birth control and anti-depressants
I can be a person
I can live
 
but without them? I’m not healthy.
 
right now I just need to run away. right now I feel boxed and gendered because things that effect my body effect me, and me and my body? we’re not the same. I feel dysphoric today, and it’s really hard.

vents and sundry

1) definitely going to up the dosage on my meds
2) there is nothing quite so terrifying as being called at by a strange man while I’m minding my own business at the pool. Yelling “Hey pretty lady” at me, twice, is NOT going to get me to respond to you, it is however, going to freak me out for about a week and cause me to fake-sleep and run-through scenarios that may or may not include injuring your testicles at the first opportunity.
(in all honesty and in the spirit of the #yesallwomen tag on twitter, I am terrified. I am small and I know it and I rely on my wits and my acting oblivious when I’m actually ignoring people to avoid situations where I feel threatened and hopefully the unresponsiveness de-escalates the situation. This isn’t uncommon for anyone, but it’s scary as fuck, and it doesn’t happen to me that often, which is maybe why it still bothers me – because…I generally weigh where I’m going against the likelihood of these situations.)
3) my body is mine and not yours to comment on. This kind of treatment (like my body is something to be discussed while ignoring that I am a human, and that I should listen to their commentary about my body because I somehow owe them my appearance and thus should do my utmost to submit to their preferences) is why I don’t go to my game store anymore, and why I avoid people who give off the aura-of-douche. I’ve done remarkably well so far, but pool-guy triggered this whole thing and he pisses me off.
He probably didn’t even think twice about it. Probably thought he was being completely normal and like I’m some rude person. Seriously. no. it’s SCARY. DON’T DO IT TO PEOPLE. I have no way of knowing your intentions but when your first point of contact is aggressive, every instinct I have says GTFO. hello IRL caveman.
4) in that vein, if what I do gets your dick hard, don’t tell me. I don’t a give a fuck, and I realllllly can’t emphasize how much I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. (And also how creepy it is for you to offer that information to me, a complete stranger)
5) I’ve been working on making the new comic site with Ruby on Rails and I finished all of the backend stuff this week and started on the CSS. I was going to use Macaw, and if you’re someone who’s not familiar with CSS and HTML, it’s something you might enjoy checking out, but after trying to finagle with the css code itself after the fact, I decided to scrap it and write my own, so that’s probably what I’ll be working on next week and I’m super excited. I got a gem that lets me render and write text in markdown (redcarpet), and I got authentication working and it’s all really kinda awesome and I’m really proud of myself.
I feel like if I can do this and finish it and it works, I can do anything – which is great, because I have at least one more ruby-blog/project thing that is in the works that I need to start on. That one I have actually mocked up, but haven’t started writing or anything, obviously, and I may cheat and try to not make my own custom backend/CMS for it. I’m currently thinking about creating my own video hosting/sharing/thingy for KieryGeek because of youtube’s douchery, and that I will probably ALSO create using Ruby on Rails if I decide to go ahead and do that. That project, if I do it, I’m hoping to opensource/ put up on github so other people can use it too. It’ll also force me to learn how to use github besides just for installing/finding gems and answers to questions.
6) I got all of the things that were stressing me out done today, I think. I feel like I did ALL OF THE THINGS, and I kinda did, but most of today was just deadlines. heh. I still should get a prize though.
7) I would really like my plumbing fixed.
8) I am a fairy