Since the last post I’ve been able to sit with myself for a few minutes and think about where I go from here.
I’ve decided that I am definitely going to focus on Labor Studies since Coming Out Week went so well and I got an email about the Student Organizing Cohort that the Ethnic Studies Department is doing at school (I have an interview for that this week).
I have a meeting this week with Disability services to see about getting a medical withdrawal from shop so my incomplete does not give me an F for just not being physically capable to machine safely. As it turns out, losing an entire reproductive system takes a lot out of you even after your stitches are healed. Mixed with stress disorders and trauma it’s just…not happening.
I met with a counselor about changing majors, and ever since I decided to act on it, I’ve felt more at peace and in alignment with myself. I feel like this is the thing I should be doing, and I feel centered when I think about it.
I also feel a bit nervous because I think it will be really challenging in good and frustrating ways, but hopefully in ways that I’m a little more equipped for.
Honestly after the news this week, going to school for an organizing AA, organizing on campus and in the East Bay, and doing the work to at least make this portion of the world less hostile is how I’m keeping myself from melting into despair.
So the last three weeks have been getting ready for my spouse to leave and then dealing with my spouse being gone, and that was very hard. I don’t like sleeping alone. Anyway. picked up spouse from the airport yesterday and suddenly ALL my energy and focus came rushing back.
I realized that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life (and pursuing opportunities to continue that). Art and Programming are both necessary for my happiness and I want to get better at both of them (also I shouldn’t feel guilty about focusing on being good at both of them, either, because I can). So I came up with a thing to try for a while to see what happens and if I can maybe eke (eeeeek!) out a little progress again.
Tues/Thurs = Treehouse Days: WordPress on Tuesday and Ruby on Thursday, so I can actually start making progress on all the things again and have a break from WordPress so I don’t just cry out of frustration for several months because of PHP. Not that it was a thing that happened or anything (okay it was).
I’m going to attempt to do recaps of programming days and mayyyybe see if I can set up a way to screencap or stream some drawings so other places like youtube will be updated. Not sure, we’ll see. If all goes well, new things’ll happen again now that I’m not entirely focused on distracting myself from utter loneliness.
Also, I ordered myself pieces for a fairy costume so I can go to the Short Run thing on Halloween. 😀
Well I didn’t make it into the next round of the Geek and Sundry Vlogs. All of the voter contributions were wonderful (and thank you so much)! I just must not have been what they were looking for. Still, It was worth trying, even in just learning the amount of people that I’ve been able to reach and meet and people who really like what I do.
I decided before I even applied that regardless I’ll still continue KieryGeek – and since then, I’ve been brainstorming and I think you’ll be excited about some of the things that are currently ruminating in my head. I’ll do another video later this month when I have a couple things nailed down, explaining it all, and then we’ll be back in time for PAX Prime (which I am ridiculously excited about going to).
I finished part one of The Acceptance Chronicles. < Part one meaning: I have more. I actually have a lot of plans and ideas on the comic front as well. Currently I have so many ideas for so many things that I need to just wait for them to organize themselves. It’s nice to finally have drawn something though, after not being able to draw or write or anything due to the stress and lack of sleep over the last few weeks.
Thankfully, it seems the tides are turning. I’m getting back into the swing of things, and chopped off my hair (so now my Elizabeth Cosplay will look much more Elizabeth-y) which boosted my (previously dangerously low) confidence up by +20.
It’s just the overtired fuzz that I need to get rid of now.
Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.
I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.
I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.
I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.
I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.
I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).
Sometimes I have so many ideas, or really good ideas are given to me, that it all ends up in a jumble of stuff that I really want to do, and really want to do NOW. But there’s so much of it that it never really ends up going anywhere. So I made a system. It’s not really a system, it’s actually just a list. That way, I can write down all the ideas I have and want to do, so when I need something to do I can look at it, or if I forget one, I have a place to go and remember and in general it just promotes brainstorming. I had one of these moments last night, and this is what I ended up with:
Alex suggested the idea of making a web-comic to me and I really liked it. I just have to come up with a story and stuff, but first I need to finish illustrating my current project. Although, I have a bit more motivation now, because I’m going to try and not let myself move on until the illustrating is done and I have a really good story idea. I have a few, none of them are really fleshed out and I’m contemplating the idea of doing a couple one-shots or collaborating with Alex. I could also use some of the material that I wrote years ago and put a twist on it…
Earlier this week I had a really cool idea for a painting which I practically laid out completely, because I don’t want to forget my initial idea for it.
I’d also really like to start waking up earlier than I currently do, because winter is coming which means it’ll start getting dark at 3pm and that absolutely drives me nuts. If I stay on my current schedule (going to bed at 2am and waking up at 12:30) I’d barely get 3 hours of daylight, and I did that before and I was miserable. So I’m thinking maybe waking up in the am and not just going to bed then would help with my winter blues…and if I woke up before Alex, I could do some exercises and be less grumpy (I’m so not a morning person).
My problem is that as much as I really want to, when the alarm goes off I’m going to definitely *not* want to so I need some kind of motivation. Maybe I’ll check and see what cartoons are on, and I’ll start slow. Or maybe I’ll promise myself blueberry pancakes that are toast-able.
I love and hate the feeling of having so many ideas and dreams and plans but not really being sure how to do them. It’s overwhelming in a good way but it feels like a lot, and for me, I need *reasons* to do the stuff that I know I should but lack motivation to do. Even petty reasons…like if Phineas and Ferb are on in the mornings, or something to get my energy up about it if I just feel like sitting and not doing anything. I know it makes me feel bad, and doing things: art, working out, writing, whatever, make me feel better. But sometimes that’s not quite enough to pull me out of my fog. The most helpful thing I’ve discovered is dragging around one of our photography lights so I trick myself into thinking there’s sun (I’m more energetic on sunny days). It’s weird. And yet, I want to move to PDX someday. Sometimes I don’t even make sense to myself.
On an unrelated note, I found this a on pinterest a while ago, and I’ve been wanting to share it because it’s so…. me right now.
I’m not totally into making goals or new years resolutions. Although I think goal setting is a good idea in general – I like to leave myself a little bit of the-world-will-not-end-if-I-don’t-make-it room. I’ve had so many ideas since September/October though, that at this point, it doesn’t make sense not to make a list to contain it all. Over the next week I’ll be posting my list of “What I want to do this year” with my book, art, and personal development. That way I keep my motivation better and it’s all not buried in a notebook.
Without further ado, here is what I want to do this year with my book (and how I want to do it):
– Sell 100 Copies
* Set up a fundraiser (with nice benefits) so I can buy enough copies to distribute to places that need hard copies (the 207, magazines, high profile bloggers).
* Find bloggers interested in children’s book reviews and send them the exclusive PDF. Link to the review on the FB page and other networks like Digg, twitter, etc.
* Host video Q&A’s on the FB page and be available for interviews.
* Promote in writer’s networks.
* See about distributing to libraries and/or local book stores (could be iffy, because 9×7’s on lulu don’t come with ISBNs…).
* Have a balloon booth in book/art fairs or festivals and sell some autographed copies.