Tag kickstarter

7 posts

FUNDED.

I actually knew I was funded the day I left for PAX, but it kept going between feeling real and not feeling real yet. I was worried that everyone would take back their pledges last minute and I’d just be one of the many un-funded projects for reasons – like, I don’t know, the creative police coming to my door and being like, hey, no, you don’t get to do this, you CLEARLY don’t know what you’re doing and aren’t really creative anyway. And then they’d take all the money I didn’t have yet and give it to someone else; or pocket it….
But that didn’t happen, and as the seconds ticked away the total amount I made was $1,415. Perfect because when I got home from PAX our apartment roof had leaked and soaked our mic, so now I can afford to replace it with a better mic, which means better audio for everyone!
Anyway, now that the kickstarter is officially over and I don’t have it hanging over my head, I feel like I can actually think about the next steps. I tried, and I got as much as I could done, but it was really hard because it still felt so unsure.
I acquired an HD game recorder at PAX (because I’m married to a sweet person who fronted me the cash). I got the elgato Game Capture HD, and I can’t wait to try it out, because it’s supposed to be really awesome and the owner/creator of it that I talked to at the booth was really great and helpful and open about it and what it did and didn’t do (and is going to do, etc). Score!
While I waited today, I compiled all of the PAX footage, and also added in the promised twerking attempt. See below:

PAX Thoughts

Creatives

I left for PAX drenched in a crazy amount of social anxiety. My kickstarter was funded as I was on my way to the airport which was phenomenal and completely unexpected. It all suddenly became very real (but simultaneously completely surreal). Sometimes I think the scariest thing is actually succeeding. Like in Neil Gaiman’s speech, just waiting for someone to come by and say “nope, game over, we’ve found you out” for having the audacity to create publicly and wanting to be able to like, eat and stuff while doing it.
I’m scared of failing, really really really scared of failing, and for the better part of the week, I was terrified of admitting it. But it’s driving me crazy and into a not-good anxiety spiral, so here:
I am terrified. I am really fucking terrified that I’m going to fuck this whole thing up, I’m terrified everyone who backed me will hate me because I suck, or I didn’t do things exactly how they wanted, or because life happened – as it does (for instance, I came home to water leaks in my living room and studio, and now I need to replace the broken equipment as well).
So then the Q&A’s with Mike and Jerry (Gabe & Tycho) happened. They touched on anxiety, and valuing their work, and just doing it anyway.
These songs happened on Saturday and I realized something really important:
What I’m feeling, and this (increasingly volatile) cycle is normal, and I’m not alone.

Introversion and Drive

I watched the panels and the musicians, and I realized I was just one of many socially awkward, introverted, and insecure creatives in the room – including the ones on stage. I realized that the more creative I am, and the more I put myself out there, the more introverted I become, because I feel like I’m living so externally already and it’s an incredibly vulnerable feeling.
The more of myself I put into what I do, I feel like, the less barrier there is, which is awesome – authenticity is something I value and I get really irritated if I feel like I’m not being honest (hence: this post) and it starts eating away at me. It’s also really really scary, because everything feels so much more personal.
But, as much as that is, as much as I feel the need to invert and crawl into myself, I can’t escape one this drive.
This drive to create, publicly, and live, publicly. Every time I go to a con or see a panel or performance, it’s one of those things where I know I belong up there, creating things that I love, and other people love and want to know about. Like, it’s different somehow, and it’s an inescapable drive and something that I’m kind of moving toward.
I think this is a plight of creative people – especially creative people who tend to become introverted or socially anxious. Creating and sharing that creation calls to us and drives us and we can’t escape it; so we do it, because it matters to us and we don’t really have a choice, it is us. I think that’s okay.
I think it’s okay to feel anxious when you’re putting your heart on the line because it’s scary.
But I also think that I need to fix my anxiety, because it becomes crippling.

Becoming Geek

Not so long ago, I was one of those really unsocialized homeschoolers who couldn’t hold up a conversation about Harry Potter but could tell you about ANWR (Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge), domestic (oil) drilling, and how little control our federal government really has over the control of oil prices. I’d only ever played racing video games occasionally – my favorite games were the educational ones my parents bought or that my grandpa got from school – namely, Mavis Beacon Typing, Story Weaver, and Amazon Trail. Those were just the games I was allowed to play, actually. My brother played Need For Speed, and Lego Racers (which I joined in on a few times) and was allowed video games and consoles.
I lived in a very controlling, mentally/spiritually/emotionally abusive home, where I raised and nurtured 6 of my siblings until I moved out days before my 7th sibling was born at 18. I was never encouraged in any artistic endeavor or to do anything but get married and become a breeder for religious reasons. That’s what I got for being born with a uterus – my reproductive organs defined my worth.
I never read The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter because magic was witchcraft, which we would inevitably start practicing if we were exposed to it (because of our lack of brains?). At one point we abandoned our Disney collection, until my mom had too many kids it was impractical to keep them from Cinderella even if it did have a fairy godmother in it, and she did use a spell (bippity, boppity, boo).
I thus immersed myself in historical fiction and studying history so intensely that I still have a lot of random stuff memorized. It was the only allowed form of geekiness that I had, and so, I used it. I had 4 pocket constitutions; for a couple years I always had one on hand, just in case. I knew where to find ANYTHING by the article, and often section number.
Because I was so intensely set on learning I saw through the bullshit that a lot of the history “teachers” in the Christian community were peddling. Their revisionist history – while I was never allowed to say otherwise without being lectured – was clearly ill informed, completely untrue, and lacking in any historical context. I knew this because I studied everything around and leading up to events just for the context.
Now when people try to tell me that we were meant to be a theocracy by our founders, I call bullshit and brainwashed.
That’s kind of besides the point, though. The point is that I was sheltered. I was not allowed to play actual video games for more than an hour here-or-there if my siblings needed a player 2. I wasn’t allowed to read fantasy books because of religion. I hadn’t seen Star Wars until I was nearly 17, and even then I was bored because it was Episode 1. I’m convinced we only saw it because my mom was confused about the “classic” nature of it, and the kid from Jingle All The Way was starring.
I didn’t see LOTR until I was 17 at my boyfriend’s house, because he was really into it: Tolkien quote in email signature and everything. We started with the extended edition – I had to watch it 3 different times before I got the story and then I fell in love with the genre and with LOTRTwo Towers especially.
When I moved out, and moved in with my boyfriend’s family which is an even longer story, we started playing the PC version of Halo on occasion. That was my first “real” introduction to gaming, even though I hated getting shot all the time while figuring out how to move. I was also introduced to Firefly and Fringe – we’d watch these quietly to avoid waking up his parents, who are also not into science fiction or fantasy.
When we got married, we bought our first console, cable, and I’ve come a long way since then. I’d always identified as a geek, much to my mom’s horror, because I always knew I was – so you can imagine my happiness upon finding not only a ton of content, but a ton of people who were into the same things. We discovered that Focus on the Family outright lied about Harry Potter; Doctor Who is amazing; Browncoats are forever; and GAMING IS FUN. There are games that have stories, you guys! STORIES, not just racing and/or shooting. I had found that piece of me that was missing and wanting to manifest, that piece of me that helps everything else make sense.
Ask any ex-quiverfull or fundamentalist daughter and they’ll tell you it’s reallllllly hard to escape the you-are-your-uterus-mindset and find out who you actually are, what you actually like. This has been a long process for me – an ongoing process even, because I’m still unlearning old thought processes. On bad days, I just sit and wonder if doing what I want is even worth it – if being me (whoever that is) is even worth it.
It is.
Now, I’m making the third season of my web-series. I started it last year in a moment of clarity, sudden bravery, and lack of fucks to give after an existential crisis.
This project, KieryGeek Season Three, is all about storytelling: the things that I love about gaming, sci-fi, fantasy, and geekdom – I’ll be talking about world-building in games and collecting play-through footage. I’ll also be creating stories with the help of my co-conspirator Matt (MALE FRIEND I’M NOT MARRIED TO WHAT? TAKE THAT UPBRINGING!) in a hangout format. I’d really like to see this funded not just because it’s cool and another kind of community, but because it would mean so much to me personally and my constantly self-critical psyche to do something amazing and worthwhile and completely me for a change.
Thank you everybody!

Kickstarter Comic

I’m 35% funded and it’s only been a week! Which is really awesome! I keep going between “I’ve got this” and panic – actually I made a comic about it, that you should check out. But here’s the thumbnail: kickstartercomic1It’s been kinda crazy – support’s been awesome. I’m looking for new ways to make people aware of the existence of the kickstarter and the awesome it entails. The hardest part is that, I have AWESOME things that I can’t announce until we’re closer to being funded, or are funded, so I’m like, anxiously impatient at the moment.

If you haven’t seen the kickstarter, you need to – check out the page and check out the project updates, because I’ve been making mini vlogs for them. Only two so far, but there will be more. If you like what you see, back it and share it with everyone you know.

I’ll be over here, plotting. and spamming sharing….

 

KieryGeek: Kickstarter

Over a year ago, I launched KieryGeek, and I was terrified. It’s been a wacky and wild ride  since then. Amazingly so, actually – I’m happy that this is still something I’m just as, if not more invested in than when I started. It’s kind of huge, to be doing something that I want to do, not something people tell me I should do.
I sometimes feel bad, because I occasionally hear the voices and people from my past in my head, scoffing and frowning at me for following this crazy dream. I know a lot of people who don’t really get it, because it’s not very adult-y. I know in their minds I should be doing home-maker-y things, but, I’ve said this so many times, it’s not me.
I’m going where my passions lie, where I come alive as a whole person, not split up into right brain/left brain, or brain and heart. I am going in in the direction of where I live. Which in turn has caused me to evolve more, as myself, and bridge gaps within my own mind – my limitations, and fears, and tear down my walls of “shoulds” (or at least start).
Last year, I was terrified and just decided to start – and didn’t stop. This year, I know people – more people in fact – who get it, and who are standing there with me. This year, I’m terrified because I’m approaching season 3 with a kickstarter. I’m starting off the next season asking for help and support – which is really out of my comfort zone.
I feel like, I can actually make this become everything I want it to be – which has grown exponentially since last year, and has become bigger than just me.
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If you want to back my project, click here or the image below, and share with your friends. FUND

Updates and Life and Stuff

1) Kickstarter Project:
I have everything done and ready for submission except the video. I was going to film over the weekend, but we had to go back to the drawing board. I feel kind of bad about it, like I should just do it – but it’s kind of the most important piece and I want to take my time making it as perfect as I can get it, because that’s what I want to do (and try to do) for the web-show I’m asking money for. I need to stop being my own worst enemy here, and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to make it awesome.
2) Direction:
Every few months or so, I have this thing, where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or if it’s even worth anything. Occasionally, within those moments, I have enough clarity to actually think about what I want to do with my life (after I’ve decided that living the way I want to, on my terms, and letting my heart and intuition guide me is worth it after all) and make some kind of weird this-is-where-I-want-to-be-one-year-from-now note in my art journal. Writing important truths and epiphanies in ink is an important part of my process. If I want something to stick, I write it down, physically – this somehow cements the idea/goal/vision/plan/hope/dream in my mind, so I don’t have to look it up all the time; it becomes etched and as permanent as a tattoo for as long as I need it to be or until it’s accomplished.
Big picture aside (currently secret, because I see it clearly but I’m not feeling brave enough to say it out loud until like, more than a day has passed since dreaming it up, I guess) these are the most prominent bullet points of my plan:

  • learn photoshop
  • draw every day, no exceptions
  • post a comic regularly

Unrelated to secret-dream-goal, I’m also intending on working out every-other-day for actually this time. Today, so far, has been a success in both areas.
3) Details:
I’m learning photoshop at the moment through CG Cookie. I guess I’m actually learning more about concept design than photoshop at this point. I need a THIS IS THAT THING, HERE’S HOW YOU USE IT tutorial so I can open it without feeling like crying when I can’t find the pour tool or a basic brush.
I’m going to make myself use photoshop every day this week, for several hours – even if all the art I make on it is crap (I’ve felt that way about all my art lately, it’s a thing, I guess it’s a good sign) I’ll at least be better at it by Friday than I was today, right?
My subject this week, is Tendo Choi from Pacific Rim. If you haven’t seen my other Pacific Rim comic, check it out.

Random Thoughts In Disjointed Fashion

1) I haven’t written – truly written, here, in ages and I’m sad about that. Things happened – not good things. Things that sent me spiraling back into dealing with C-PTSD flare ups, a lot of tears, and a lot of fear, and a lot of disappointment and unsafe feelings. I write poetry on my tumblr and a lot of it is me processing that, but in order to actually be able to…move on? I need to be able to write here, authentically, because as good a place as tumblr is to store poetry, this is my little home on the internet, and if I can’t be real here, then, it’s bad. So maybe sometime I’ll write about what it was that’s kept me from writing for almost exactly a month.
2) I’m putting together all of the things for a kickstarter. I bought new clothes today for next season as well (ADORBS – and I got an adorable PJ set, not related, but so comfy). I know what I want to do next season, and I think it’s pretty cool – new schedule, more fun things. Right now I’m working on doing the math and figuring out the rewards so I can submit my application and go from there.
3) OH MY GOD, GO SEE PACIFIC RIM RIGHT NOW.
I am obsessed with Kaiju. Also, it’s basically Warmachine V Hordes and IT IS AWESOME SO GO SEE IT. SEE IT IN 3D AND/OR IMAX. Caps are required for proper emphasis.
4) I got Sims 3 on Saturday for my 3DS and it’s so addicting and fun. I’m trying to wean myself off lego games, but I still needed something that I could play that required neither focus, nor emotional energy – just something relaxing. However, I’m very emotionally involved with my sim, but, it’s in a living-vicariously kinda way, so it’s actually fun and not OH NO I DESTROYED MY CHANCE AT PEACEFUL RELATIONS.
5) Modesty is a hot topic (heh) on the internet lately. Which is good. It needs to be talked about. I have strong opinions on the subject, but it’s also reallly draining and stressful – because modesty is just one of many things bound up in this mess of “womens issues” and I feel keenly aware of the fact that because I have boobs means that people feel like they can decide things for me. Modesty is just one of many. It’s devastating to realize that because I am anatomically female, my voice counts less and I am also held to a higher standard of argument. I suppose this is why I don’t argue as much through blogging – because it requires a lot of polishing, and inside I’m just volatile because I am angry. I’m not angry actually, I’m raging, and I feel powerless, and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
I usually subscribe to just letting my existence speak for itself and challenge the misogynistic beliefs of the people I interact with, but, some of those people are so entrenched in their stereotyping that they can’t see me.
I feel powerless because my female voice is ignored when I talk about things that relate to me and my body and my rights as a person. I hate this feeling. I can’t put into words how much it bothers me – how much it triggers me, and how much it hurts to not be able to think of something I can do to change it (without sending myself into a stress and depression inducing loop).
6) Site redesign! I spent all day Thursday on it. I’ve integrated my portfolio into the site completely (I think, I can’t remember if I forgot something), my latest Youtube upload is featured automagically, the blog is on a blog page, the front page has a couple comics, I’m really happy with how it turned out. The last thing I need to do is figure out how to integrate my comic blog into this site because two sites are hard and confusing to manage. I may need to use some dark magic to get it to happen.
It’s funny because I go between pushing things out to separate places, and then reeling everything back into one again. Over and over. Right now though, I like having everything in one place, it’s easier to find all of my things, and also enables me to feature everything I want to feature easily either on the front page or on the portfolio page (or the comics page/blog) which I really like.
7) I will art for money. If you haven’t seen that yet. Portfolio or homepage for you. 🙂