Tag authentic thursday

4 posts

Heart on Sleeves #authenticthursday

I’m used to treading with caution, and when I wear my heart in the open I feel so vulnerable. I usually keep my deepest and truest opinions to myself and people I really trust because of the amount of work and soul I put into discovering the things that are solid at the moment. I’ve learned that opinions and perspective change as you learn more and experience more, so I’ve stopped trying to put myself and my opinions into a box that I won’t allow to change. Because the evolution of thought and learning, I feel, is essential to being human. At least it is for me.
So it takes a while to work up the courage to wear my heart on my sleeve, here, sometimes. Especially with something I know might not be taken well, but has been weighing on me and keeps coming back into my thought process that I feel the only way to make it click and articulate it properly is to write it out and let it be. Maybe soon, when this particular muse strikes back in sentences and cohesion I’ll allow myself, and my heart to say the thoughts that have been circling. But not today, I’m not ready yet.

plans (authentic Thursday)

Sometimes I have so many ideas, or really good ideas are given to me, that it all ends up in a jumble of stuff that I really want to do, and really want to do NOW. But there’s so much of it that it never really ends up going anywhere. So I made a system. It’s not really a system, it’s actually just a list. That way, I can write down all the ideas I have and want to do, so when I need something to do I can look at it, or if I forget one, I have a place to go and remember and in general it just promotes brainstorming. I had one of these moments last night, and this is what I ended up with:
Idea ListAlex suggested the idea of making a web-comic to me and I really liked it. I just have to come up with a story and stuff, but first I need to finish illustrating my current project. Although, I have a bit more motivation now, because I’m going to try and not let myself move on until the illustrating is done and I have a really good story idea. I have a few, none of them are really fleshed out and I’m contemplating the idea of doing a couple one-shots or collaborating with Alex. I could also use some of the material that I wrote years ago and put a twist on it…
Earlier this week I had a really cool idea for a painting which I practically laid out completely, because I don’t want to forget my initial idea for it.
I’d also really like to start waking up earlier than I currently do, because winter is coming which means it’ll start getting dark at 3pm and that absolutely drives me nuts. If I stay on my current schedule (going to bed at 2am and waking up at 12:30) I’d barely get 3 hours of daylight, and I did that before and I was miserable. So I’m thinking maybe waking up in the am and not just going to bed then would help with my winter blues…and if I woke up before Alex, I could do some exercises and be less grumpy (I’m so not a morning person).
My problem is that as much as I really want to, when the alarm goes off I’m going to definitely *not* want to so I need some kind of motivation. Maybe I’ll check and see what cartoons are on, and I’ll start slow. Or maybe I’ll promise myself blueberry pancakes that are toast-able.
I love and hate the feeling of having so many ideas and dreams and plans but not really being sure how to do them. It’s overwhelming in a good way but it feels like a lot, and for me, I need *reasons* to do the stuff that I know I should but lack motivation to do. Even petty reasons…like if Phineas and Ferb are on in the mornings, or something to get my energy up about it if I just feel like sitting and not doing anything. I know it makes me feel bad, and doing things: art, working out, writing, whatever, make me feel better. But sometimes that’s not quite enough to pull me out of my fog. The most helpful thing I’ve discovered is dragging around one of our photography lights so I trick myself into thinking there’s sun (I’m more energetic on sunny days). It’s weird. And yet, I want to move to PDX someday. Sometimes I don’t even make sense to myself.
On an unrelated note, I found this a on pinterest a while ago, and I’ve been wanting to share it because it’s so…. me right now.
I am on a Journey...with my work, my explorations, and a few sad stories. I travel with a suitcase full of outrageous blessings. I am on a quest for truth, beauty, and quiet joy. I am an artist, a writer, an explorer.

Obsessions

Didn’t get around to blogging yesterday (obviously) because I was way. too. tired. Weather changes do weird things and rain makes me sleepy. I might have allergies, but Claritin seems to give me headaches (or maybe it’s all in my head?).
Anyway, I’m mixing “authentic thursday” in with today’s “media friday” (see? renamed, because youtube is so much fun). I’m naming it “Kierstyn is a geek, and here’s what she’s currently into day”.
I was thinking recently, about how I never really got into much when I was little, Hello Kitty when I was 11 was about the extent of my obsessive  fan-girl-ness. Over the last couple years though, I’ve developed my inner fangirl/geek (living with a geek who feeds my nerdiness helps) and it’s so much fun! So I thought that I’d share a bunch of the things that I’ve been geeking out over lately:
Doctor Who, Firefly, Torchwood, Harry Potter, anything with Felicia Day and Ellen Page, Jonathan Coulton, Disney movies (just re-watched Aladdin last week. OMG. beautiful), Battlestar Galactica, Anime, Phineas and Ferb, Eragon, and I just watched all of the Star Wars movies, and while I like them better watching them closely (like I have to watch Nolan films) I’m not totally into it, but they are fun. 😉 *hides*
So, in short (and I could go on, the list keeps growing) that’s what I’m into now. Sci-fi/Fantasy, and a good dose of comedy and animation.
with that…

 

Authentic Thursday

Honestly, this one scares me a little. Because for some reason, the times that I’m honest and vulnerable here tend to blow up in my face and it’s really painful. So I haven’t posted anything here below surface level for a very very long time, because I’m scared to. I’m scared of what will happen if I am myself and vulnerable and authentic – but I’m tired of hiding inside the surface on *my own blog* and only posting things that are more or less just professionally me without much of me or my personality or myself in them. Hiding behind my words, that I hope are interesting, but never letting anyone close enough to see who I am.
I am an ENFP, and I didn’t realize how very accurate that is until recently. Accepting ( yeah, I had to accept that, and get through to myself that it’s OKAY to not be an ESTJ – which is what came up when I answered questions the way I thought I was “supposed” to instead of honestly) that has helped me understand myself, if that makes sense. A lot of the things I never understood about myself – why I felt the way I did about things, and why sometimes even the very *hint* of something being pushed on me causes me to react so violently (internally, not physically) – I was able to understand, because  I was (am) able to accept that as part of my personality, it *is* who I am, it’s who’ve I’ve always been just waiting for me to allow myself to be me and not the armored image that I thought was appropriate.
I’m not the Iron Lady anymore. I never *truly* was, I was trying to be. And that’s as hard for me to accept (or was, getting better at that now) as it is or will be for anyone else. Because I was wicked good at wearing that mask, and only the people who really tried saw through it.
So this, this is part of me. My little rose self is poking through the armor and into the daylight. Please don’t crush it.