uterus = null

Monday I had a complete hysterectomy. I got to Mt. Zion hospital at 5:45am, surgery started around 8am, I was out at 11:30 and discharged around noon. Then I went on a really bumpy car ride to Concord, where I am resting and marathoning Harry Potter all week.

My surgery was laparoscopic so it was less invasive than it could have been and since we took out literally everything there was no need to carefully comb through my ovaries looking for endo.

I stopped bleeding yesterday, right now the most discomfort that I’m in is from the gas that is still in my body from surgery.

Being on testosterone before getting a complete hysto worked really well, I think. Because I have hormones in my body I’m not going into surgical menopause (plus I already went through menopause when I started T) and I feel like this helps make recovery easier too.

I didn’t really feel different as soon as I woke up, I was mostly just foggy and in pain, but after the drowsymaking painmeds wore off, I noticed that like…all the tension in my body around my uterus was just gone.

I feel right.

I feel whole.

I feel like the Thing That Was Incorrect Is Gone (because it is) and now I’m just me.

I’ve instantly stopped being at war with myself and the change is almost disorienting. I knew my uterus was where my dysphoria lived, but I didn’t expect it to go away so quickly. That was the first thing I noticed when the fogginess wore off.

I’m. not. at. war. with. myself. anymore. 

I feel present in a way I’ve never felt present before. Not disassociating is easy now? I’m so used to being disassociated by default that I usually have to actually work to be in my body, but now it’s like I’m home?

My energy levels are still real low, I haven’t showered in days, but holy shit.

I did it.

I don’t have a uterus anymore

I cannot reproduce

I can never have a period again

I will never need another pap smear

I will never have to worry about an ectopic pregnancy

I will never have to worry about not having access to birth control

I don’t have to worry about going back to being estrogen based if my HRT gets taken away (it will just suck to have zero hormones, but at least I won’t bleed)

I was raised to be a wife and mother, to train an army for god.

And I just took ALL OF THAT out of my body.

I’m reclining with a heating pad and blankets and liquid feeling slightly achey and really gassy, but I’ve never felt better or more at home in my skin than I do now.

 

 

1 thought on “uterus = null”

  1. just so you know, i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone look as snuggly in a hospital bed as you do in that picture. 🙂 get well soon!

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