Tag thoughts

5 posts

Life Happened

I have this familiar sense of needing to write – because all of the things happened – but not having enough coherent thoughts to put anything together. This happens a lot if I write infrequently, like I have been lately – lots of life happens in between posts and then I’m like, wait, what?
So here’s a brief listy-like update:
1: Humorotica has it’s own domain and new comics! And twitter (@humoroticathulu)
2. So does KieryGeek (and twitter @kierygeek)
3. I went and saw Aleka for a week and we went to a RenFaire and it was awesome.
4. While I was there, I CHOPPED OFF MY HAIR. And I think it looks awesome, and goes well with my new Gunnar’s glasses (Crystaline for drawing, yay!)
IMG_1828
I actually realized, today that the way my hair is cut is verrrrry similar to the way I draw my hair in my comics, which wasn’t intentional, but it feels very me and I’m happy about that.
5. KieryGeek 3.2 is out, about Guild Wars 2.
6. Crazy week. Thoughts. Things. Interesting. my brain is a blob right now.
7. Ni No Kuni, that is all.

PAX Thoughts

Creatives

I left for PAX drenched in a crazy amount of social anxiety. My kickstarter was funded as I was on my way to the airport which was phenomenal and completely unexpected. It all suddenly became very real (but simultaneously completely surreal). Sometimes I think the scariest thing is actually succeeding. Like in Neil Gaiman’s speech, just waiting for someone to come by and say “nope, game over, we’ve found you out” for having the audacity to create publicly and wanting to be able to like, eat and stuff while doing it.
I’m scared of failing, really really really scared of failing, and for the better part of the week, I was terrified of admitting it. But it’s driving me crazy and into a not-good anxiety spiral, so here:
I am terrified. I am really fucking terrified that I’m going to fuck this whole thing up, I’m terrified everyone who backed me will hate me because I suck, or I didn’t do things exactly how they wanted, or because life happened – as it does (for instance, I came home to water leaks in my living room and studio, and now I need to replace the broken equipment as well).
So then the Q&A’s with Mike and Jerry (Gabe & Tycho) happened. They touched on anxiety, and valuing their work, and just doing it anyway.
These songs happened on Saturday and I realized something really important:
What I’m feeling, and this (increasingly volatile) cycle is normal, and I’m not alone.

Introversion and Drive

I watched the panels and the musicians, and I realized I was just one of many socially awkward, introverted, and insecure creatives in the room – including the ones on stage. I realized that the more creative I am, and the more I put myself out there, the more introverted I become, because I feel like I’m living so externally already and it’s an incredibly vulnerable feeling.
The more of myself I put into what I do, I feel like, the less barrier there is, which is awesome – authenticity is something I value and I get really irritated if I feel like I’m not being honest (hence: this post) and it starts eating away at me. It’s also really really scary, because everything feels so much more personal.
But, as much as that is, as much as I feel the need to invert and crawl into myself, I can’t escape one this drive.
This drive to create, publicly, and live, publicly. Every time I go to a con or see a panel or performance, it’s one of those things where I know I belong up there, creating things that I love, and other people love and want to know about. Like, it’s different somehow, and it’s an inescapable drive and something that I’m kind of moving toward.
I think this is a plight of creative people – especially creative people who tend to become introverted or socially anxious. Creating and sharing that creation calls to us and drives us and we can’t escape it; so we do it, because it matters to us and we don’t really have a choice, it is us. I think that’s okay.
I think it’s okay to feel anxious when you’re putting your heart on the line because it’s scary.
But I also think that I need to fix my anxiety, because it becomes crippling.

Paring Down (and other thoughts)

I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.

journalI have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not the thing I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.

I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.

This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.

Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.

Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.

Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.

 

That one question

Do you feel any different now?
PartyI’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little different. Because for the first time in a while, I do. It’s a weird sense of accomplishment, being 21. Maybe it’s because I’m giving myself permission to step completely out of my box and just live as myself, as unashamedly as possible. Maybe, it’s because I feel like I’ve arrived into the world of adulthood (except for car rentals) and I feel a new sense of freedom – I can have a drink if I want to, go to that dance I’ve been wanting to go to for 3 years that’s 21+, get one of those champagne and chocolate and dinner/wine resort packages and actually use all of it. I can stand in line when we get beer, finally (that one cashier really ruined it for me :P) and I can even buy my own if I want to.
I feel in a way like I’ve finally “caught up” with myself. Like I’ve been just waiting for my legal age to catch up with where I felt like I’ve belonged for a while now (the real test is going to see if I still think I’m 21 when I’m 60 ;)).
Actually, I’ve noticed a bit of a change, however slight, since granting myself that permission instead of just groaning under the pressure I put myself under. I’m a little more sincere, and I don’t feel as bad when I’m just honest with how I feel about things.
I’m excited about my list, and this year, and my personal progress. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where I can actually say I’m happy about who I am, instead of shy and ashamed. I think I just might start to get there – starting with not defining myself with who I used to be years ago, but with who I am inside and who I want to be.
I’m 21, and I’m happy.
 
Balloon

Heart on Sleeves #authenticthursday

I’m used to treading with caution, and when I wear my heart in the open I feel so vulnerable. I usually keep my deepest and truest opinions to myself and people I really trust because of the amount of work and soul I put into discovering the things that are solid at the moment. I’ve learned that opinions and perspective change as you learn more and experience more, so I’ve stopped trying to put myself and my opinions into a box that I won’t allow to change. Because the evolution of thought and learning, I feel, is essential to being human. At least it is for me.
So it takes a while to work up the courage to wear my heart on my sleeve, here, sometimes. Especially with something I know might not be taken well, but has been weighing on me and keeps coming back into my thought process that I feel the only way to make it click and articulate it properly is to write it out and let it be. Maybe soon, when this particular muse strikes back in sentences and cohesion I’ll allow myself, and my heart to say the thoughts that have been circling. But not today, I’m not ready yet.