I’ve been sick with a cold-like-thing for almost two weeks, the symptoms themselves aren’t horrid, it’s just that I have no energy and end up completely exhausted after doing one thing that involves moving around.
Last week I had a physical and a pap smear which was exciting. Good news is: my BMI is good and my physical went smashingly, I got to talk to someone about my hormonal issues and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants (which is good! progress!). Bad news: I still have a cold, pap smear was painful, and antidepressants make me dizzy.
I’ve been subconsciously stressed which doesn’t help. What happens is, when I’m sick I feel bad for two reasons: one, I’m sick, and secondly, because I don’t have enough energy or the ability to live up to the expectations I have of myself, or the plans that I have.
I can barely wash dishes right now without exhausting myself, but I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to meet with people I generally meet with, or do things I generally do, or function at as high a capacity as I want to.
I feel bad because it’s been so long and I still have no energy and feel bad and it happened right after I had already felt bad due to hormones, so I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything for about a month, which sends me back into the guilt spiral which makes me feel worse psychologically and physically (and the two are so closely related in my body, it’s not even funny).
I really want to do things, and go places, and I’m so tired of not feeling well and not being able to, but that’s not changing unless I can rest and not subconsciously stress about it.
So, I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me (and mostly, my patience to myself – but I’m so relieved when I realize I’m not letting anyone down, because I don’t want to let people down. unless I am, if I am, I’m SO SORRY! o.O) – I’m trying to get better but I think in that I’m making it worse. I’m already starting to stress about the next KieryGeek episode because it primarily depends on whether or not I can get to Salem this weekend and I need to stop.
I need to just give myself a break and not make myself feel obligated to do things, even though I badly badly want to.