Tag poem

3 posts

Those People

I’m becoming one of Those People
Who has multiple bikes for different reasons
One for travel and one for getting around town
I’m one of those people who feels a little twinge of guilt at the luxury
of being able to save enough to buy two bikes when I only need one.

I’m becoming one of Those People
With a detailed list of current and future backpacking gear
That can be sorted by weight and type
One of those people who finds living in the elements
a relaxing escape from the default world chaos.

I’m one of Those People
Who instinctively says yes to adventuring
And dives head first into the unknown
One of those people who is familiar with uncertainty
and comfortable learning the details as they go.

I’m one of Those People
Who is caught halfway between crippling perfectionism
And an empty garden of fucks
One of those people who dabbles in every kind of art
and masters a few.

I’m one of Those People
Who chose their own family
And created their own name
One of those people who has recreated themselves in their own image
more times than they can count.

I’m one of Those People
Who sometimes can’t get out of bed
Because depression and anxiety are too loud
One of those people who tries to prioritize selfcare
but still falls short frequently.

I’m one of Those People
Whose undiagnosed chronic illness
Undermines their ability
One of those people who tries to make plans and then has to cancel
because their body decided to quit.

I’m one of Those People
Who sometimes tries to ignore their disability
As if that makes it vanish (it doesn’t)
One of those people who has relied so much on themselves
that accepting help is scary.

I’m one of Those adventurist, artistic, outdoorsy (but not athletic, let’s not kid ourselves), queer, sick, disabled People who worries about the future of the planet.

I’m one of “Those People” probably not unlike you.

Survivor's Guilt

Maybe it’s because I’m on that high from just finishing a comic after not drawing in way too long because set backs and busy-ness and certain-life-things just completely zapping any creative drive out of me, or because I’ve been rocking out to music in my headphones (which I’m sure looks entertaining), but, I’m really happy right now.
Dude, I make comics.
And I make videos about gaming.
The first of season 3 is yet to be out because reasons (not limited to, but including computer failure). I do have it planned though…And all but one piece of the puzzle has come in, so yay! Computer thing is being fixed tomorrow *crossfingers*
I had an epiphany in the shower a couple days ago…about how I don’t have to feel guilty for, I guess just the whole circumstance I am in where I am actually in a place where I can create and not have to worry about stuff. I realize I’m fucking lucky and that it’s so fucking rare for that to be a thing, and more often than not I have some weird kind of survivors guilt and feel like I should shelf it and join everyone else, you know? Because I almost feel like there’s something wrong that I have the ability to do these things and lots of people don’t.
But then I realized, that’s not actually helping anyone. It’s not helping me, if I’m sitting at home, paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I can choose the work that I do, and I’m not desperate. It’s not helping me if I force myself to go spend my time doing something that isn’t helping me actually grow when I don’t absolutely have to.
What does help people, and what does help me, is if I actually use the crazy lucky situation I’m in and create, and keep creating, and doing those things and bringing stuff into the world that makes it better, or bringing in the stuff I want to see. I don’t know how long anything is going to last, no one does, so who am I to not make things while I can?
I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else. I just realized…I don’t know, I shouldn’t feel guilty or like something is wrong because my life and journey looks different. I shouldn’t be paralyzed by survivor’s guilt because I can choose where to dedicate my time.
Because I really do feel bad about it a lot. Which I realize is idiotic. *shrug*
And now I’m remembering this poem, which I first discovered years ago when I watched Akeela and the Bee:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
– “Our Deepest Fear” Marianne Williamson

And the more I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I think I am and what the hell I’m doing here and what makes me so qualified, the more apt it is, because….
If I’m quiet
and if I’m honest
and if I look deep within myself
In the corner I don’t want to admit exists
I’m terrified of my own power.
And that’s holding me back in the light of sudden…success
I’m really not that scary of a person
(you hear that psyche? I’m really nice!)
But for some reason, something dwelling in the cavern
says
who the fuck do you think you are?
and I just have to remember
who the fuck am I not to be?

The Crossroads

you’re at a crossroads
between everything you are and everything you could be
you know what you want
and what you’re capable of
but what you’re doing on that road is falling short
you’re making progress but not enough
you’re running through your arsenal of tools
but change is slow and painstaking
What you want so desperately
feels so out of reach
beyond the horizon, who knows how far
and at some point
as you look back on the colored pages of your past
you wonder if it’s enough
if it’s worth pouring your soul into ink and colors
if painting your spirit is enough to get you into the horizon
if your heart will carry you when you run out of drive
or if your drive will carry you when your heart is tired
you’re standing at the crossroads between your life beyond the horizon
and the life everyone expects
one is dangerous and the definition of the unknown
full of adventure and failure and heartache
the other
is the death of the heart and soul
the giving up of dreams and aspirations
but safe and predictable
you’re at a crossroads
between what is and what could be
do you move forward into the unknown horizon?
or choose a safe but inevitable death?