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Tag: feelings

Scared

I am fucking terrified. 

This week has done a number on me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I’m so tired of thinking about it that I barely want to talk about it. But it’s the background radiation of my life and I am having FEELINGS right now and it’s frustrating because it feels so isolating. 

Reynaud’s apparently flares with stress so I’ve been freezing and while I have done zero strenuous activities all week, my body feels like I’ve been fighting bears and climbing mountains. 

I feel awkward and sheepish for being (what I imagine is perceived as) alarmist when I look at everything that’s happened this week and tell people it’s only going to get worse from here so we need to start preparing. Not awkward enough not to say it because the worst part about it is I know I’m right. I’ve read history. I grew up on Pence’s side of the aisle, I know how to read the writing on the wall, I can hear the dogwhistles in their approaches. I know what to look for and I know where they want to end up. I can’t know the future, but I sure as hell know the direction we’re going right now. 

And I am fucking terrified. I haven’t been able to bring myself to admit it out loud but I am scared. My body has not stopped being tense for a week, I find myself holding my breath and not realizing it. 

I’ve thrown myself into campus organizing. I worry a little bit that I seem like a conspiracy theorist but at the same time, IT’S ALL FUCKING HAPPENING. That’s what I hate about everything; and that more than anything is what gnaws at me in the night. 

I KNOW. I KNOW because I was there. I was trained to be part of the movement that made this happen. This feels personal to me in a way it is not personal for most people and I’m having a really hard time handling those feelings. I wasn’t important, I left before I got to play a role, but I was being groomed. I knew the rhetoric, and the strategy, and the hopes. When I left I hoped all that would stay behind too. Like somehow it would disappear because it left my conscious and surely the majority of America wouldn’t let that happen.

But it didn’t. They started winning. A lot. And now we’re here. 

And I’m scared.

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Feels: College wk 1

First week of school was sort of a whir. Hard but good….looking at essays as intensely as we have has sometimes been really hard to handle emotionally, and in a way I wasn’t — am not — prepared for. I love doing school and being in that environment and I want to be actively involved on campus because it makes me feel alive and I feel like I’m putting real roots down for the first time.

 

I feel vulnerable and alive and terrified and magical.

 

I have so many ideas on how I could improve the information dispersal of student life on campus and advocate for more gender neutral bathrooms and make it more of an obviously safe LGBT space.

 

I’m getting tired of repeating my story, as important as it is, it’s draining, and yet colors everything. It comes up in class and in ice breakers and I don’t want to bury it because it’s me, but…..it’s exhausting.

 

It’s important to understand (me) but draining to repeat (over and over again).

 

I’ve had a really hard mental health day today – sort of being overwhelmed from the first week of school and figuring out how the fuck it works, making decisions for my educational and financial future (applying to student leadership ftw) and not really having had time to process everything that I’m feeling.

 

The feeling of being in control of everything and nothing simultaneously. Taking charge and not knowing the next step.

What is my life even.

 

It’s good, but it’s terrifying, and I want it to continue, but I can’t do it myself.

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let downs

Sometimes it feels like the universe just really wants me to not get in to any of the communities that would help me grow faster and it’s really frustrating. I instantly hear the words of my parents when they ripped away my only social outlet and community as a teenager (competitive speech and debate) “you’re not going anywhere, so obviously this isn’t for you” and were one step closer to securing my life’s focus to be entirely on raising their children, cleaning their house, and cooking their food. My parents weren’t much with the keep trying thing, they were more with the, if you do it twice and don’t succeed to our standards, give the fuck up and go be invisible, doing what we want you to do.

 

I know it’s not personal, but years of living with people who make any “failure” out to be because you specifically suck is a hard mental cycle to break, even though I’ve been away for 6 years now. And when I try to apply to places where learning and community happen – whether it’s Ada or Geek and Sundry or cool jobs – and I don’t make it, it feels like it is because I specifically suck, and I specifically don’t deserve to have a community or group or boost to learning, because I specifically am horrible and have to do it the hard way.

 

Come to think of it, another piece of this feels onion is the about 18 years my parents spent saying that never having good things happen to you is the most holy thing, and working to improve and make things better is pointless because if it’s going to happen god will just plop it on your lap with no effort from you.

 

A theory I strongly believe to be bullshit (aided by my general agnosticism: I don’t have any celestial being to drop something good in my lap), but that comes up when I try really really hard to improve myself only to have that avenue not be open to me at the moment.

 

Basically all I learned from my parents is: why bother? don’t even try, and live in that miserable pit because it’s holy.

 

And I know it’s a lie, and abusive, and unhealthy – but then when I do try, and I put my heart and soul into a thing and it doesn’t pan out…guess what’s the first thing I hear?

 

So I’m going to cry today.

And then I’ll come back next week and do the things. I can teach myself, I did it all of my education. I’ll keep doing that and looking for opportunities. But right now I need to just be sad.

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