internal combustion

I’m afraid that the honest expression of my most vehement feelings against the things that crush my soul will (and do) make other people feel invalidated. I don’t want that to be, but at the same time, I want to be able to express myself. I don’t know if there’s room for both.
I react so violently inside to the entire concept of spawning. I have no room for children in my life or in my heart. I know myself well enough to know that even (and especially) in the case of an accident it would not be a good thing for me, my personality, or my internal life. I would lose it completely and I might hate the child, which wouldn’t be healthy or in anyone’s best interest on the whole. The idea of “creating” a “family” repels and repulses me. And I’ve spent 10 years of my life practically raising other people’s kids. I can’t do it anymore and keep myself and my sanity.
But I don’t want this completely personal sentiment to make people who have kids and have room in their heart for them to feel bad or less valid.

New Circles

art journal
I’m in a weird place. My support group has sort of eroded and I’m standing in the middle between a place I want to be and being sad because I feel like I’ve lost most of the people who’ve really helped me over the last few years.
Truth is, I’ve moved on. I’m not completely done baking, but my needs are changing, my heart is beating and I’m ready to find myself in the world again.
Most of my support group have moved on too, just in different ways. Many of the childless couples I met – the first childless couples I met after being married – are no longer childless, and others are looking forward to not staying childless. We’re all sort of moving on to new journeys and I feel distant and sad. I’m moving in a different direction – I can’t join them, and I honestly don’t want to – but I feel bad because of how vehemently I react inside. I don’t know if it’s normal because I don’t know many (any?) couples who don’t want children as strongly as I.
But this is life, I suppose. I’m told there are couples like us, who grow old and never have children because they find fulfillment in living life sans crypods, but I don’t really know where to find them. My circle, my support group, my friends who helped me realize that it was okay to find myself and healthy to be me have moved on to different journeys. That group will always be special and valuable to me, but right now, it’s time for me to start on my own journey – my own rebirth. To find my center and dance to the tribal drums. It’s time to find new circles.