Tag authenticity

2 posts

Dreaming and White Space

I have a blank 2′ by 3′ space I need to fill with something. It’s staring at me from my easel and no inspiration has hit yet. Much like the space on this page. I’ve been sitting here, with one sentence, for 20 minutes. I want to write and paint but nothing is coming. So I do other creative things until I decide what to do.
I’ve been sewing all week with the material I picked up on Monday. I made a shimmery purple valance, a purple pillowcase with grey trim, a grey tablecloth (finally), and after spending 4+ hours this afternoon on it, I’ve almost completed a grey hooded cloak (with purple trip on the hood) as a costume.
I *love* being able to sew again, with the machine I got for christmas. I’ve spent hours every day all week playing with it, and my shoulders attest to that. Although, trying to sew in a crowded room (suddenly, there are tons of boxes and things in the way – wires, stands…etc) and pin things on slippery surfaces is infinitely frustrating – my choice to not shy away from complicated materials (anything thin, sheer, or slippery) doesn’t help either. However, despite the frustration with space I’ve been really happy with all of my pieces. They’re not perfect, the hems aren’t *completely* straight (again, slippery surfaces and not enough room, even on the desk) but it looks really good anyway.

Crowded desk
Crowded Desk

I’ll try to take a picture of the completed pieces tomorrow with the DSLR as my iphone pictures don’t quite do anything justice. At least, not by the time I can take them…the lighting is bad at that point.
So I’m waiting to fill the white space. I took a bunch of paint cards from the store, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with them yet either.
Last year I made a list of things I wanted to do. I think this year, I might make a list of dreams. I’ve started a board on Pinterest of Words & Ambitions for 2012 – things that inspire, motivate, and make me happy – things I need to remember, and things that I dream about.
I dream of just be-ing this year; unconcealed and me.

Authentic Thursday

Honestly, this one scares me a little. Because for some reason, the times that I’m honest and vulnerable here tend to blow up in my face and it’s really painful. So I haven’t posted anything here below surface level for a very very long time, because I’m scared to. I’m scared of what will happen if I am myself and vulnerable and authentic – but I’m tired of hiding inside the surface on *my own blog* and only posting things that are more or less just professionally me without much of me or my personality or myself in them. Hiding behind my words, that I hope are interesting, but never letting anyone close enough to see who I am.
I am an ENFP, and I didn’t realize how very accurate that is until recently. Accepting ( yeah, I had to accept that, and get through to myself that it’s OKAY to not be an ESTJ – which is what came up when I answered questions the way I thought I was “supposed” to instead of honestly) that has helped me understand myself, if that makes sense. A lot of the things I never understood about myself – why I felt the way I did about things, and why sometimes even the very *hint* of something being pushed on me causes me to react so violently (internally, not physically) – I was able to understand, because  I was (am) able to accept that as part of my personality, it *is* who I am, it’s who’ve I’ve always been just waiting for me to allow myself to be me and not the armored image that I thought was appropriate.
I’m not the Iron Lady anymore. I never *truly* was, I was trying to be. And that’s as hard for me to accept (or was, getting better at that now) as it is or will be for anyone else. Because I was wicked good at wearing that mask, and only the people who really tried saw through it.
So this, this is part of me. My little rose self is poking through the armor and into the daylight. Please don’t crush it.