Tag alethia

5 posts

I did the bare minimum of things today. Nothing really seemed to go right and I couldn’t get out of my head. Hormones and PTSD are starting to get to me and I just want to hide and snuggle and maybe pig out on chocolate.
So right now I’m drinking snapple, watching cartoons, and have chocolate covered raisins, oreos, and chips within my reach. I’m finding myself lacking in motivation for WoW and just getting frustrated with the lack of being able to fly. I should play dragon age II, but I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of handling the storyline (which is my favorite part of the game), light stuff is on the menu for me.
I hate how I am when I’m like this. Snappy and frustrated and nothing seems to fix it.
I’m tired.

New Circles

art journal
I’m in a weird place. My support group has sort of eroded and I’m standing in the middle between a place I want to be and being sad because I feel like I’ve lost most of the people who’ve really helped me over the last few years.
Truth is, I’ve moved on. I’m not completely done baking, but my needs are changing, my heart is beating and I’m ready to find myself in the world again.
Most of my support group have moved on too, just in different ways. Many of the childless couples I met – the first childless couples I met after being married – are no longer childless, and others are looking forward to not staying childless. We’re all sort of moving on to new journeys and I feel distant and sad. I’m moving in a different direction – I can’t join them, and I honestly don’t want to – but I feel bad because of how vehemently I react inside. I don’t know if it’s normal because I don’t know many (any?) couples who don’t want children as strongly as I.
But this is life, I suppose. I’m told there are couples like us, who grow old and never have children because they find fulfillment in living life sans crypods, but I don’t really know where to find them. My circle, my support group, my friends who helped me realize that it was okay to find myself and healthy to be me have moved on to different journeys. That group will always be special and valuable to me, but right now, it’s time for me to start on my own journey – my own rebirth. To find my center and dance to the tribal drums. It’s time to find new circles.

I should be menu planning

but instead, I’m writing, because I need to and I can’t find food until my brain spills it’s thoughts. Weirdness.
I got to part three of The Nerdist Way and I need to talk now.
The last few days I’ve been in a funk, not weird for me I guess, but I had several really really good days when I felt awesome and I was the warden of my brain and not it’s overtired prisoner. Hardwick talks about how our brains just sort of set to autopilot, and I can finally pick up when that happens (today and yesterday, for instance) because when I control it I’m so. much. happier and I feel so much more alive. The problem I’m having today is getting out of the tired funk induced autopilot and getting back into the captains chair, because it’s more fun there and I swear, the sky is brighter and the air smells better. I took today “off” and decided to just read. Here’s hoping tomorrow is brighter and less sleepy-coma-y.
I did one thing that started getting the happy hormones to my fuzzy brain – I filled in some of my progress in my progress bars in my Character Tome, and also, I reached level two in my life bar.
Brain is better now, hitting the books…

Dreaming and White Space

I have a blank 2′ by 3′ space I need to fill with something. It’s staring at me from my easel and no inspiration has hit yet. Much like the space on this page. I’ve been sitting here, with one sentence, for 20 minutes. I want to write and paint but nothing is coming. So I do other creative things until I decide what to do.
I’ve been sewing all week with the material I picked up on Monday. I made a shimmery purple valance, a purple pillowcase with grey trim, a grey tablecloth (finally), and after spending 4+ hours this afternoon on it, I’ve almost completed a grey hooded cloak (with purple trip on the hood) as a costume.
I *love* being able to sew again, with the machine I got for christmas. I’ve spent hours every day all week playing with it, and my shoulders attest to that. Although, trying to sew in a crowded room (suddenly, there are tons of boxes and things in the way – wires, stands…etc) and pin things on slippery surfaces is infinitely frustrating – my choice to not shy away from complicated materials (anything thin, sheer, or slippery) doesn’t help either. However, despite the frustration with space I’ve been really happy with all of my pieces. They’re not perfect, the hems aren’t *completely* straight (again, slippery surfaces and not enough room, even on the desk) but it looks really good anyway.

Crowded desk
Crowded Desk

I’ll try to take a picture of the completed pieces tomorrow with the DSLR as my iphone pictures don’t quite do anything justice. At least, not by the time I can take them…the lighting is bad at that point.
So I’m waiting to fill the white space. I took a bunch of paint cards from the store, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with them yet either.
 
Last year I made a list of things I wanted to do. I think this year, I might make a list of dreams. I’ve started a board on Pinterest of Words & Ambitions for 2012 – things that inspire, motivate, and make me happy – things I need to remember, and things that I dream about.
I dream of just be-ing this year; unconcealed and me.