Category: Something Real
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The Feelings Part 3
I’m trying to see this period of my life as a good thing – an opportunity to unpack the trauma I’ve been avoiding and do the healing I need to do. I want to be able to take this mystery condition that I still have zero answers to in stride and not be angry and…
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The Feelings Part 2
I’m feeling many ways about my disabling illness. There’s a good bit of anger, a lot of exhaustion, 6 feet of grief, and a lot of anxiety around whether or not I’ll get better. There’s a part of me that has resigned itself to this new normal and a part of me that really wants…
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The Feelings Part 1
Shit has been rough. Up until last week I was able to use school as a distraction from the mystery that is rampaging my body. I sent out letters to everyone over last weekend saying I’m dropping out but staying around until the end of the month to tie up all the loose ends. I…
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Pause
I sent all the emails on Friday that told everyone who needed to be told that I’m dropping out for my health. I’m too sick to be in school and on campus so I’m dropping out. I have been stuck in a shame fueled depression since I made this decision even though I know it’s…
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Semester No. 5
My semester begins tomorrow. I’m very anxious. My body has been tense all day…all week, really. I’m not anxious about my classes – I’ve re-evaluated them thrice now and I’ve taken my health and spoons into account so I’m only doing one in-person class (US Government), and two online classes (English 5, and Cultural Geography)…
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Whirlwind
Everything has been a whirlwind since school let out for the summer and it starts up again in 3 weeks but I am still reeling. The rug was pulled out from under me in June when I went to the ER and was diagnosed with Colitis but couldn’t see a GI Specialist until the middle…
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Scared
I am fucking terrified. This week has done a number on me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I’m so tired of thinking about it that I barely want to talk about it. But it’s the background radiation of my life and I am having FEELINGS right now and it’s frustrating because it feels so isolating. Reynaud’s…
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Hysto Date!
HOLY SHIT. I’ve been wanting needing to get my uterus out for years. I have talked to so many doctors about this, and about sterilization before that. I will document the process that I went through to get here later, but the big news is: Monday, July 30th, 2018, at 9:30am I will be undergoing…
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If I had a quarter for every time I sat down to write and the first sentence was something along the lines of “I need to write but the words aren’t coming” or “every time I sit down to write the words vanish” I wouldn’t be as broke as I am now. It seems to…
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The Importance of Mourning
Something I’ve noticed in activist circles is an emphasis on pushing on past feelings to organize and do shit. Which I agree with to some extent – we can’t get stuck in sadness and let it stop us from doing things – however, it’s important to mourn and grieve and let ourselves feel and process…