Category: Evolution
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The more I’ve been wanting to write, the more I’ve been resisting sitting down and doing it. Depression has been eating me alive lately. The world seems to have gotten dimmer since school let out, and it feels like we’ve plummeted off the edge of a cliff, we’re past the point of no return and…
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Disability
I started realizing that I need to come to terms with the physical effects of CPTSD throughout the last semester. I have to come to terms with my own disability. And a lot of that starts by saying it out loud. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to admit that I am not…
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It Feels So Stupid
Last night, I was curled into a ball crying in my partner’s arms because everything about school is hard. It’s not necessarily the material or the course load, it’s that Laney isn’t designed and has no support structure for visibly/non-passing trans students to exist in. Let alone the ones who are out and openly existing…
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Just T Things: 15 Months HRT
I realized it would probably be helpful to me and other people if I started documenting what HRT is like for me somewhere more findable than twitter. It’s been almost 15 months now, but I haven’t detailed a lot here so I’m going to attempt to categorize the various points of change. Weight Changes: When…
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27:9
I meant to write a retrospective before my birthday, but 2018 has been one hell of a year already, let me tell you. I got distracted going through my instagram account and watching the story of the last seven or so years unfold in the archives. I look so radically different now than I did…
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Goodbye 2017
I’ve been putting off writing for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why. Some of it is probably just burnout and exhaustion from school, processing a lot of the things that happened and got stepped on over the last semester that I didn’t have time to get to. I survived my first semester though! I…
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What even is gender
I feel like I’m mourning/saying goodbye to a part of me that doesn’t need to exist anymore. My body isn’t familiar on the outside anymore, I don’t have hips, or a waist, or cleavage. I get sir’d and he’d more often than not – the pharmacy actually put me down as male in their system?…
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Before I get buried by finals
I’ve started the process of getting a hysterectomy and let me tell you, has it been a rollercoaster. Apparently complete hysterectomies are somehow not part of trans surgeries. So my Doctor got me a referral to a clinic that does Gender Confirmation Surgeries, but they don’t offer 3D Printer de-embedding. They referred me to someone…
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School and C-PTSD
When I started this semester I knew that C/PTSD was something that counted as a disability that I could get help for on campus. I didn’t (still don’t) know exactly what the Disability Services Dept. could do to help, but I was going into specifically a non-emotional-labor intensive program in hopes to avoid the obvious…
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One Year Post Burn
It’s been almost exactly a year since returning from Burning Man. I learned a lot about myself in Black Rock City. I learned that I’m strong, capable, and so very very very trans. I had felt reserved about being more masculine for some time before becoming one with the playa last summer. I had been…