Daily Archives: September 7, 2012

2 posts

Waxing Eloquent

I have a secret language that I speak inside my head. When I’m feeling brave, I write this way. It’s my own kind of prose, words have a rhythm and sentences flow. Phrases turn and swirl into what I like to call my butterfly language. When I’m honest and I write like this, I feel like it looks weird on paper screen, I’ve only gotten a few good responses when I use this language – I’m afraid it doesn’t make sense. Which is why most of my writing style is more train-of-thought like.
I’ve been introspective lately, and vulnerable – not in a bad way, just….my heart keeps emerging from my chest and wanting to place itself on my sleeve. It’s fluttering about looking for a place to land, leaving me feeling insecure and causing awkward (to me) social hiccups which I, in turn, overcompensate for.

It’s a new stage of me, just like a caterpillar coming out of a cocoon and realizing it’s a butterfly.  The confusion, the vulnerability of feeling so open and exposed, and yet so alive. The first few moments of flying, or attempting to fly probably result in somewhat embarrassing moments – colliding with the earth and bumping into plants, I imagine they feel a little over apologetic too, in this growing stage.
But I realized, as I’ve had a lot of time to think, that this is a good sign. It means I’m evolving, I’m becoming myself and growing. More importantly, I’m growing braver, my masks are coming off and I’m still flying a little awkwardly, still fighting oh so many insecurities that come with exposing myself, my soul coughs and makes messes, but that’s okay.
I am in a vulnerable existence, but one that is very much alive. I will use my prose voice and wax as eloquent as I wish, because…..why not?

Permission to rest

I’ve been sick with a cold-like-thing for almost two weeks, the symptoms themselves aren’t horrid, it’s just that I have no energy and end up completely exhausted after doing one thing that involves moving around.
Last week I had a physical and a pap smear which was exciting. Good news is: my BMI is good and my physical went smashingly, I got to talk to someone about my hormonal issues and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants (which is good! progress!). Bad news: I still have a cold, pap smear was painful, and antidepressants make me dizzy.
I’ve been subconsciously stressed which doesn’t help. What happens is, when I’m sick I feel bad for two reasons: one, I’m sick, and secondly, because I don’t have enough energy or the ability to live up to the expectations I have of myself, or the plans that I have.
I can barely wash dishes right now without exhausting myself, but I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to meet with people I generally meet with, or do things I generally do, or function at as high a capacity as I want to.
I feel bad because it’s been so long and I still have no energy and feel bad and it happened right after I had already felt bad due to hormones, so I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything for about a month, which sends me back into the guilt spiral which makes me feel worse psychologically and physically (and the two are so closely related in my body, it’s not even funny).
I really want to do things, and go places, and I’m so tired of not feeling well and not being able to, but that’s not changing unless I can rest and not subconsciously stress about it.
So, I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me (and mostly, my patience to myself – but I’m so relieved when I realize I’m not letting anyone down, because I don’t want to let people down. unless I am, if I am, I’m SO SORRY! o.O) – I’m trying to get better but I think in that I’m making it worse. I’m already starting to stress about the next KieryGeek episode because it primarily depends on whether or not I can get to Salem this weekend and I need to stop.
I need to just give myself a break and not make myself feel obligated to do things, even though I badly badly want to.