I can feel the wheels of my subconscious working instensly. Sleep is fraught with anxiety, past selves, and doubts. There’s something bothering me on a level I can’t acknowledge or communicate.
I feel like a failure as I wait, unknowing but feeling intensity.
I try to distract, but everything feels pointless. There is stress and a scream trapped inside, voiceless while I wait numbly to give it words.
I feel I am separate selves. Subconscious and Conscious, waiting on each other and trying to be okay.
(P.S.: I’m okay. A little down, because it’s been a long week of mehhhhhhhh, but sometimes I need to write out all the weird feelings to start feeling better)
I don’t have to be productive 24/7. All that matters is that I take care of myself – everything else will follow. I matter.
Because my body is remembering it has a uterus for the first time in almost 6 months and even though it’s still worlds better than it was untreated, it still…..fucks me up a lot. I feel like it makes me lesser, but I know that’s bullshit…
I’m scared that my period problems are going to rule out any opportunities I ever have, but I know that isn’t true, also. I hope.
1) get dressed in day clothes that make you feel good, even if it’s just for a little while.
2) work out for 5 minutes to get your blood moving and to notice your body and feel it.
3) brush your hair if you don’t like how it feels or looks. put the dragonfly clips in, or wear the squid hat for a few minutes.
4) breathe before bed (1..2..3…1..2..3)
5) drink water.
Because sometimes I forget basic things and I feel awful.
Experiment: if I close twitter and log out of Facebook for a week (supplementing social internet needs with forum posts and reading blogs if I need to feel connected) what happens? Does the world seem less shitty? Do I break out of various funks long enough to work on projects? Am I happier?
I’ll let you know, I guess.
What does it mean to belong?
I’m a part of many groups but always try not to feel attached, in case something goes wrong and they don’t want me anymore (thanks, parents).
Being actively involved in belonging scares me because it feels like a huge commitment I don’t know if I want to make.
Which is weird, right? because I’m married and that’s bigger than a group, course, or meeting.
But maybe it’s because I’m not insecure in Alex and I belonging, like I am with bigger groups.
So maybe belonging has more to do with security, and it takes a while?
It’s annoying how I can be doing really well one day, and the next I plummet into the abyss of self-confidence and creative crises.
What if I’m a fraud?
What if my art is shit?
What if I’m a horrible person and all the voices in my head affirming that are true?
I have to write to get it outside of me, is that stupid?
Am I as shit as I feel? As my parents said I was?