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Category: Health and Fitness

health log/update 2015

Second pap smear ever today. New doctor is really nice and good at listening, was ready to stop at any time and actually knew what she was doing and had the tiny speculum. No crying or death levels of pain, and we got a good sample, so yay. No one judged me for my weight/gain, and my doctor actually listened when I talked to her about medications, preferences, and the no-libido-at-all problems I’ve been having while on lexapro.

She lowered my dose of lexapro to 10mg, and put me back on bupropion at 150mg. Meeting a month from now to re-evaluate. I’m so happy to be back on the thing I know works for my depression – though it’s the XL version which looks a little different than the other one I was one which wasn’t XL. I don’t know if there’s actually much of a difference. Apparently it might also help with the libido and I remember from last time there was a possibility of it helping with weight, though while I’m still taking lexapro I’m not really holding my breath.

No one acted like my current weight was an issue though – and I explained how I gained a lot from zoloft and even more from lexapro. She didn’t tell me how much I weighed today when I told her I hadn’t been looking, either, which was really lovely.

I got it on the little handout though, and it’s a bit, but not as much as I feared so that’s good.

I felt really cared for and listened to and not judged by anyone here, which was so nice. I was so scared, but now I’m so relieved I could almost happy cry.

I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I WAS GONNA DIE THIS TIME, AHHH. so good. And when I told her the story she was like, yeah no wonder you would be super anxious about it.

 

Then I came home ate some stuff and slept because I was up all night with anxiety. 😛

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Vaccinated

WP_20141112_002I’ve started and stopped this post several times over the last couple hours. It’s not even anything particularly interesting, which is why I’ve started and stopped, I guess.

But right now I’m having jack and coke and playing lego Marvel so I figured I’d take a break while I was observing the snow and actually write this stupid post.

Wednesday I got my last HPV shot! Which is awesome! I feel like I’m actually caught up on all the shots I should have gotten – I got my TDAP when I got the first HPV vaccine in May and getting the last of the three HPV’s done this week makes me feel all accomplished and adult.

Like, I overcame a bunch of childhood shit and made health choices that are better for my future. As much crap as I got from people about how much shots hurt, I did it anyway. And you know what? The shots weren’t even that bad! I mean, they’re shots, they’re not horribly comfy and I’m favoring my right shoulder, but I only needed ibuprofen on Wednesday and it’ll be back to normal by the weekend and I’m vaccinated against HPV for the rest of my life!

So if you haven’t gotten the shot yet because pain, do yourself a favor, get the shot, it’s only 3, they’re done in 6 months, they’re not that bad, and they’re a million times better than getting cancer. Don’t listen to all the people who jump on you because it’s so painful, it sounds worse than it is. Just do it. It’s smart. You’re worth it.

 

 

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Massages + Disassociation

In July I had this thing where my neck/shoulder muscles didn’t want to move, so I got a massage, and I’ve been getting them every couple weeks since to try and loosen up the (apparently insane levels of) tightness, and I noticed something…and someday I’ll draw something to illustrate this better, but, when I’m on the table, I feel connected to myself and my body.

I can tell how the muscle in my right shoulder impacts my left toes, and how every piece of me is connected to everything else. For an hour, there’s no difference between me and my body, we’re the same, connected, one – I am muscle and flesh and bone and blood, and interestingly, gender doesn’t come into play here. And maybe, it’s because I’m naked in the dark but not seen or judged, maybe it’s because massages go deeper than skin, and reach the core, the ungendered center that everyone shares, so I’m not lost in my parts, because they’re just parts, epidermis that doesn’t really say much about me or who I am…

It’s not something I’m used to experiencing, but I’m trying to find ways to ground myself, to feel less like a floating sentience in a breathing corpse. I realized, while we were checking out the Universalist church last weekend, that, I center myself to the earth, which I think is normal, but what if I centered myself to…myself? maybe if I paid attention to how my skin felt around my bones and listened to my senses, maybe that would help with the generally disconnected feeling I usually have towards my body?

Most days I feel like I’m a sentience walking ghost-hand in hand with my body, or circling around in my skull that from here looks more like a cage. On bad days, or bad nights, really, I feel like I’m a balloon and like I’ll just float away unless I’m held or touching someone to ground me and pull me back down to the earth, to my skin…but, when I’m being massaged, it’s like someone is helping me put my body back on, like a coat, and helping me back to myself.

It’s weird in a good way, but also weird. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, and when she asks me how I’m feeling after (apparently I hold up really well) I want to tell her how much it helps on a psychological level, but I don’t know how to, or if she’d even understand…but it does, it helps a lot in a way I never expected.

 


Then sometimes things happen, and I’m around people who tend to make me question my worth and whether or not I should even bother doing things that actually do help me. Who make me feel like a burden and like I should just suffer and I don’t deserve to try and have a healthy relationship with myself-body – who leave me reeling for days re-evaluating whether or not I’m a decent human.

Being triggered leaves me feeling like the pile of dirt I was told I was worth growing up, and it makes me feel guilty for getting massages, and taking care of myself. Because who am I to have things, to have value, to have worth, and to be worth caring for?


But I am human, and I have value because I exist, and I’m not just trouble, or burdensome, and I am worth caring for.

So next Friday I get another massage, and it’ll be good for me, because it’s okay to value and take care of myself.

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You should see the other guy

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So, this afternoon I finally did it.

I went to Planned Parenthood and got The Implant. I AM NOW BABY WORRY FREE for the next 3 years.

The amount of stress that just vanished from my shoulders after the nurse said “okay, it’s in” is like…..unbelievable.

I know I’ll be dealing with side effects (and I’m hoping they’re the less blood kind instead of the more blood kind) but it helps with cramps and I can deal with irregularity if I’m not crippled with pain and I’m not facing the, oh right, now I have to worry for another month, thing.

Right now I’m rocking a badass looking bandaid, and being very happy that I’m safe until 2016.

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Take that, uterus! (empowering myself, because I don't need to feel this way every month)

So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and it gets exponentially worse as time passes, which prolongs it because stress = more PMS and a late period – I’m going to get back on it. But not in pill form.

I’m going to see about getting….the implant. After researching it as thoroughly as I can, and listening to people talk (er, comic) about it, and finding out that it’s actually more effective than sterilization, I decided to give it a try.

This is important because there is little that I want more than to be sterilized (this has been my plan since I was 17), but I have to wait until I’m 30 to be a candidate for it, and even then, it doesn’t always take. I’m thrilled to realize that there’s an insert, that does the same thing, better, and with less craziness/surgery, and I can do it NOW and not have to spend the next 8 years paranoid.

I’ll find out this week if my local clinic offers it (they were in the process of getting it) otherwise I’ll get a referral.

I’m making progress, because I thought I was doomed to a life of painful periods and awful PMS even though the depression was out of the way, because I didn’t want to try pills again (and their failure rate just wasn’t really worth doing that to my body again), and I can’t do IUD’s. But also, I think, I felt like I deserved it – somehow I deserved the torture my body inflicted on itself and I deserved to feel it in all it’s intensity.

I don’t feel that way any more. I deserve better, I don’t need to continue to subject myself to an anxiety ridden decade, just like I don’t need to live in a constant depressed state that gets worse when my hormones change.

So yeah. I’m doing that, and I’m happy, because I feel like I’m actually in control of my body.

I win all the points! I’m only really talking about this because my insides are bleeding out currently and I still managed to talk on the phone and stutter out the question, and then lay in bed in pain all day, and cry (sob) during 13 Going On 30, drown in Pacific Rim feels, and still be generally happy and proud of myself (debilitating pain and moments of guilt due to that aside) because like, I’m fixing it! hopefully.

But I’m so moody today, my tear filter broke.

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Subtle Bohemian [All Dressed up]

subtle bohoNYC Black nail polish, shoes: Newbury Comics (breaking them in for PAX East!), Jeans: Aeropostale, Shirt: walmart find 3 years ago, makeup: Elf brightening/all over color stick, eyeliner, mascara, and “Fantasy” lipstick. You can’t see overly well, but my hair is a funky ponytail that this pin inspired. My hair is a bit too short and unruly to look anything near as elegant, and it kept poking to the right every few minutes. It was cute while it lasted though.

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Sea Buckthorn and etc

I took the week off of face stuff last week, and gave my skin a rest. Also, I was tired of poking my eyes so frequently (and I was hoping for the acne to quell). A friend of mine recommended some Sea Buckthorn oil, and while I was at whole foods over the weekend (to find ingredients for epic pork wellington)I thought I’d look in their oils/skin care/body section for Sea Buckthorn.

I tested the oil sample, and upon arriving home found that it did actually seem to help my skin – this awful cat scratch finally started healing and my breakout started to diminish. I ended up buying Sea Buckthorn Cream Body Wash – and used that on my face and skin today, and it was wonderful!

I love having a natural go-to for skin care, and I found one that really seems to work – especially for acne prone oily faces like mine. Almost like the lemon-honey toning mixture I made, and they work in tandem well. I’m hoping that I’m not just like super excited, but my face does seem clearer and more even. Also, it comes from citrus, which is great and reminds me a little bit of Florida, where I grew up and makes me happy. Tropical fruits ftw!

For the next 4 weeks I’ll be doing a tone up with another friend of mine and you can follow along by watching her blog or my tumblr. MWF are my Sculpting days, and TTS are my Cardio with a rest or whatever-i-wanna-do on a Sunday, which most likely still involves lots of walking. I’m using Fitocracy to carry my workout details, and my fitblr for steps/cardio/cals etc. I’m doing my days opposite Kahleesi for funs.

I might do more than one outfit post this week, depending on how I feel, because I just put together this wicked adorbs outfit with leather shorts and I feel like a super hero, I just have to apply makeup to go-with. It’s been ridiculously cold, so if I can stay in my warm pj’s, I have; which isn’t conducive to makeup.

I have been making a new list for this year, because my birthday is next week. I don’t think I’m going to come up with 22 unless I can come up with them naturally. I pushed for 21 last year and it was less fun that way. I have 18 things right now, I think, and I’m excited about all of them. We’ll see how well I do. I’ve done all but 2 or 3 from last year – some intentional, because some of those (like intrinsic value) are more of a life journey than something that can be achieved in a year, and others because of filming continuity (no piercings or tattoos yet).

I will watch some tutorials on HOW TO APPLY EYELINER WITHOUT POKING YOUR EYES OUT WITH EYELINER because that gets old, and I did that like 3 times while getting ready for our Valentines dinner at the Sea Grass Bistro – where I had foodgasms for the first time and it rocked my world.

Lamb chop with mint infused honey felt like a hug on my tongue. No idea that could happen.

I need to do some more cleaning – and sweep my floors because borked roomba is borked and having work space for stuff helps. But I’m strangely lacking the motivation as I’m on a bit of a WoW kick and leveling quicker than I have in a while – admittedly, all of twice, but I’m almost 87 and I only got to 86 a day or two ago, so that’s getting me closer to my goal of hitting cap.

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All dressed up and nowhere to go

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Usually I’d actually apply makeup before doing this, but I was (ironically enough) going to lunch (and woke up at 12 something because I could, and I wanted to spend as much time not moving as possible due to muscle strain). Anyway, this is my cute blurry picture.

Cardigan: Forever 21 $6 (on sale/clearance), Jeans: Aeropostale’s Skinny/Curvey (I got them on sale too), Shoes: Converse, Shirt: Switchfoot concert $20, Headband: Claire’s – came in a pack.

 

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