Birthday Feels/Survival Anxiety

Holy shit.

In light of everything else happening, like fascism, it seems silly that the thing plaguing my mind would be my birthday. On one hand I feel like I shouldn’t even bother celebrating something so frivolous because, fascism. On the other, I have this unshakeable feeling that we might be in nuclear fallout by the time it rolls around, and if I survive to my birthday, that will be An Achievement.

Although given the last year, making it to my birthday already feels like An Achievement. So much has happened. The floor has fallen out from under my feet too many times to count, I barely know which way is up. All I can manage to do is keep fighting and finding new ways to fight for the future that I want to exist.

Nothing feels stable. I feel like more shoes could drop at any minute and leave me homeless, bankrupt, or starving. There’s nothing in my life that is actually pointing towards this happening, it’s just that everything feels so topsy turvy right now that it’s playing on my survival level anxieties.

I re-evaluate my life and the past year around my birthday. February is basically an entire month of introspection with the hope of some kind of party with booze, cake, and people who love me at the end of it. I can celebrate the fact that my existence continued and the people I care about also care about me.

It seems silly, but it feels really important.

If we even get there.

I’ve come so far in a lot of ways since last year, so much has changed – personally and in general. This time last year I was starting ABE classes and actually learning algebra for the first time. Today I’m writing articles about how to combat fascism, talking to reporters and city council, and getting the next dose of testosterone while trying to remember that I deserve to be paid for things I do.

I’m completely me now, and it’s great. I guess that’s worth celebrating.

 

Remind me of this when we get to my actual birthday.

 


I’m worried that I’ll be killed having helped nothing.

I’m worried about my chosen family dying or disappearing.

I wake up to this anxiety and go to sleep with it.

it’s really hard.

One comment

  1. Sending love and appreciation to you Kiery, for all you’ve done and all you are! Being completely you now is something to celebrate indeed.

    I just discovered your incredible blog and have been devouring it, mesmerized by your courage, authenticity, and strength of character. This would make an amazing book…

    Just want you to know, while you are experiencing all that anxiety, that you are appreciated and cared for far beyond your immediate circle of friends and chosen family. You are a true light in this world and have so much to contribute…

    You’ve already helped, more than you’ll ever know. And even if your loved ones should die or disappear, you won’t be left alone, because others will come into your life… You naturally attract people who want to support you — just because of who you are.

    I see you. And I’ll stand with you if there is there is a fascist backlash, as I’m sure many others will too. Just ask. You are surrounded by more support than you can imagine.

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