Monthly Archives: August 2015

6 posts

Painful Explanations

There’s a not so small part of me lately that just really needs people to understand how much breaks when your parents abuse you.
And not just when they abuse you as your parents, but later, when they decide to cut you off because you’re not living how they want you to live as an adult.
I need people to understand the thing that seems unfathomable for people who have pretty okay relationships with their parents.
I spend hours at night trying to draft thought experiments for people to understand the loss, the pain, and the confusion of being disowned.
And here’s the thing. It hurts me. I can’t be the one to explain it. I can’t carry that weight, because when I do, I re-live, over and over the abuse my parents put me through as a child, and the fallout and confusion of their rejection of me as an adult.
I want people to understand that I’m not just whining or blaming my parents they way they say teenagers do…but being abused, and being disowned…..destroys a lot of you, and it takes a really long time to undo the damage of 19 years and one email that completely turned your world, your confidence, and sense of self upside down.
And I feel like it’s weakness that my parents held that much of me. That as a 19 year old who knew their parents were abusive fucks, their abandonment still shook me to the core and upheaved the very fiber of my being in ways I’m still learning and ways I don’t like to admit.
It’s been almost five years and I still don’t understand. I understand it’s not my fault. But I don’t understand why there’s been so much personal fallout. I feel like it’s a key piece of me that I need to explain to people for why I’ve grown and changed the way I have.
But it hurts.
I need people to understand how much breaks when your parents are your bullies, your abusers, and then, after spending years beating you down, decide they want nothing to do with you until you crawl back to them for more abuse. The overnight orphanhood is almost a relief, but then everything they told you that you brushed off to survive comes back a million times louder. Every comment about your hair, weight, appearance, voice, friendships, abilities…it’s all there, staring at you, suddenly holding weight that you have to decide what to do with.
Suddenly, you have to decide, all over again, from square one, without history, without parents….who you are.
While at the same time reconciling that your past happened, your parents disowned you, your parents abused you, and would do it all again in an instant.
You have to find your truth by yourself, and it’s really hard when the only source of information you ever had until you moved out was the source who just decided it would be better if you didn’t exist.
I want people to understand how much that breaks you. But I have to continue to put myself back together first.
I don’t want to make everything all about me and my pain, but sometimes that’s all I can feel.
I need that to be okay, for now.

This doesn't make sense, just roll with it, okay

I feel like I should be writing some of the thoughts that plagued my mind last night in the utter darkness and silence because the power was out. My brain kept me awake instead of just chilling with the dense dark and using it to sleep.
But now I can’t remember any of those things.
Something about feelings, and something about lies, and something about being okay.
But right now I just wish my phone would hurry and charge so I can maybe sleep eventually, and also tether later….
Oh the fate of the morning.

ProTips with Kiery

    1. If you only shampoo your hair once a week (but condition as much as you like) and use cool water, it’ll keep your color intact a lot longer.
    2. If you have a 500 drawing prompts book and you do one prompt a day, you’ll have made 500 drawings. If you use a 500 drawing prompts book every day as a way to get your juices flowing, you’ll have made…a lot more than that.
    3. the Streaks app is a pretty decent way to remember to take care of yourself every day (or achieve other goals). Mine includes: Drinking water, meditating, making art, going up stairs, yoga, and 50 jumping jacks.
    4. Meditating is good. I’ve been using Stop, Breathe, and Think because sometimes it’s hard to do by myself.
    5. Don’t fall down.

I’m currently still trying to decide if I’m going to brunch tomorrow, wondering if I have any cosplay I can put together for PAX next week (nope, I do not), feeling a little bad because my vlogs are probably REALLY boring (but maybe PAX vlogs will close it on a good note?), and wishing my body would stop hurting from that time I fell like two days ago.

Sizes

WP_20150815_001
Super fucking comfy shirt with stripes

So I’ve gained a bit of weight since starting Lexapro in February (in addition to the weight I gained from Zoloft prior). I don’t actually know HOW much I weigh, but I’ve gained 3 cup sizes and it’s strange. The shirts I got in March weren’t fitting anymore and I got fitted at Victoria’s Secret two weeks ago because I started to need some kind of support instead of just letting my boobs be free, and I’ve gone from a B to 34DD and……I don’t know. I’m not used to having cleavage all the time, and my boobs flop weirdly and are heavy and good boob days aside, it’s mostly unpleasant.
My body is changing and I don’t know how to deal with it. My rings don’t fit anymore, My shirts are two sizes up than they have been for the last 4-5 years, my jeans I got right before we moved are starting to get tight, and I……don’t know.
I’m trying to be okay with it. To be okay with my body changing and growing and just letting it be. Eating healthy and all that but trying not to judge myself.
It’s just…….my body has been growing so much that it can’t really keep up and it’s actually kind of painful. My back is confused about my boobs and my muscles are confused about what needs to hold things and I’m just hoping it balances out sometime soon.
I feel like it’s hard to talk about because now I have the ever desired boob size, but my frame isn’t used to this and all my muscles are weirding out and it’s just…kinda sucky right now and I don’t know how to cope with it.
But, I did get some bras, and some large shirts from Old Navy that actually fit over my new torso and don’t pressure my boobs uncomfortably, and are cute as a button, so that helps a little.

Truths

Kiery. You do a lot of things. Here is a small list:

  • CRHE Tech Director
  • E.R.A., Bitch Goddess, and Fairy comics
  • Painting
  • Drawing
  • Gaming Livestreams & Vlogs
  • Programming
  • Writing
  • Generally helping people with the internet.

You are good at art, writing, and even writing stories. You’re good at learning and programming, and actually making things.
You are enough. Don’t listen to the people who say you suck at things, can’t finish projects, or are unproductive.
Love,
Kiery & the selfcare fairy
fairy1
 
 

E.R.A. Update

I moved E.R.A. to WordPress so that way when I’m done making the theme for artists I can test it there and that’ll be easier. But also because I felt like the Ruby app I made was unfinished and I want to make it better (and I will) and that was weirdly enough contributing to a lot of block with continuing the story.
But then I thought, you know what would be cool? A book. And then I made a vlog about it.
[kad_vimeo url=”https://vimeo.com/136145117″ ]
 
Stay tuned for the update on when that’s actually available. Or follow along on patreon to see it first.