I’m not going to lie, I’ve been running myself ragged lately.
Sometimes it’s like, I don’t know how to not, you know?
I don’t know what a healthy balance is, and when the bulk of my work is creative it blurs the lines between shit I do for me and shit I do for other people/my job – because I would be making shit anyway.
I don’t know how to have projects and also not feel like I need to make up for something unless I’m doing so many things the day ends in exhaustion.
Like if I’m not doing all the things all the time then I’m not contributing and I hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me I’m lazy.
But then I’m running errands and have a mental breakdown in the car, and my calm is hard to get under control and I realize I’ve been doing a lot of putting-out, and not enough taking-in.
Even now, I’m fighting the urge to make more content – to film a KieryGeek episode or write a blog on KieryGeek.com because I haven’t touched it in ages, because gamergate is still on-going and I’ve been noticing all the sexism in my PS+ games. To add the text to the E.R.A. comic I drew over the weekend….or to delve deep into my psyche and figure out what the fuck is happening and what the trigger is that’s been poking me all week.
But I need to rest. And as guilty as I feel for not doing those things, a lot of them…..at this point, as much as I convince myself they’re for me, they’re really for other people, and that’s awesome and stuff…..but I don’t owe anyone my content right now. I owe myself a break.
And I needed to write that out so I could see it.
So I could maybe get back to minecraft or load WoW, or draw with pens because that is mine.
So I could convince myself not to work, and that the only person I owe things to right now is me.