trigger(ed by SCOTUS and Hobby Lobby): a semi-tipsy sad muse time

I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.

Today is really triggering a lot of not-good feelings.

I hate how having a body…

this female-assigned body

tends to affect my life

and future.

 

I hate being reminded about how my body dictates

or rather

I hate how my body is dictated by people who aren’t me

people who employ me

could stop me from getting the care I need

the care that currently keeps a lot of the self-loathing

the self-mutilation fantasies at bay

the thing that’s made me feel me and human and be okay

 

I need birth control to be able to be me

and not try to plunge steak knives into my gut every few weeks

 

and decisions like this

make me want to pull out my uterus

and stick it on a stake

and never have to deal with it again

to not be subject to my body

the needs of my biology

 

I want to be able to get rid of that which people say

makes me a woman

because I’m not one

and with birth control and anti-depressants

I can be a person

I can live

 

but without them? I’m not healthy.

 

right now I just need to run away. right now I feel boxed and gendered because things that effect my body effect me, and me and my body? we’re not the same. I feel dysphoric today, and it’s really hard.

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