First rambly post of the new year! It’s not really worth noting because, when are these posts not rambly? But whatever.
I usually reserve goals and things for my birthday, because that’s when the actual “new year” starts in my head, you know, because aging. Somehow that seems more…connectable, than a random day on a calendar, but I’ve had some interesting thoughts over the last couple days in relation to it being 2014, and I’ll probably have forgotten them all by next month if I tried waiting.
I’ve been doing this word for the year thing, and last year’s didn’t really connect well for me, but the year before that was a beautiful touchstone. I like having touchstones that I can remind myself of when I feel overwhelmed or lost or trying to make a decision. It helps, and is oddly freeing for me, I don’t really know why. It’s better than a goal goal, because it gives options instead of pressure. I think this is why I stay away from the word goal, and when I do use it, I use it in a very loose, I only have to do this if I want to/end up doing it kind of way. I don’t like pressure, I like options.
Anyway, I decided this year, my phrase, or touchstone, or word, is going to be in keeping with my journey – stealing autostraddle‘s (or whoever’s) “You do you”, but inverting to myself (I’ll do me). Which is just another way of saying something like follow my bliss, or be, or just do what is best for me, but none of those have the duplicity that makes me giggle to myself, because one of those meanings happens pretty frequently. 😉
See, the hardest thing for me to do is actually assert myself and accept my own agency. I spent a lifetime conforming to be whoever and whatever the people I looked up to wanted me to be. I am excellent at denying myself (or even just not knowing) the things and opportunities that I want, in favor of pleasing other people, or helping other people.
Giving myself permission to say no to the things that I feel like maybe (other people think) I “should” do but aren’t what I want to do, or aren’t the things that make me come alive, and giving myself permission to say yes to the things that do – has been an ongoing struggle, and I’ve gotten better at it, but I think this part of my journey is going to take longer than a year to figure out, maybe even the rest of my lifetime. My first reaction is not to think of myself or my needs – and I’m not saying that pompously, I’m saying that’s a bad thing. I don’t like this about myself, I’m tired of putting myself last in ways and places that I shouldn’t be. It’s not healthy to constantly see myself as unworthy of pursuing anything I want to pursue, or asserting myself or needs because I feel like I shouldn’t have them. I’m tired of denying myself the humanity I try to extend to everyone else.
It’s not healthy to keep living as though I don’t matter, as though I only ever deserve pain and heartache, as though my purpose in life is to be a shell and put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. Because, I do have needs, and those are important too.
I don’t know what doing me will look like (hahaha) in the next year, or lifetime even. Honestly the thought of actually thinking about myself and what makes me come alive first, before thinking of other people’s expectations, or needs, or approval, kinda scares me a little. Okay, a lot. I don’t even know if I’m really capable of it.
But I think it’s important. I think it’s important because of everything that’s happened this year, and 2014 is just a giant blank slate that is just waiting to be drawn all over.
In 2014 I’m going to do the things that make me come alive.
In 2014 I’m going to play with science, because science.
In 2014 I’m going to keep making comics. And hope that I get better and maybe bigger things come of it, because I really love humorotica and I’d love to see it take off.
In 2014 I’m going to keep playing games and keep vlogging. Maybe I’ll even do those daily vlogs, or make friends with vloggers I missed the chance to get to know over the summer (and I really really really regret that, because they are all wonderful and I’m always just geeking out over them), who knows.
Honestly, I don’t really know what’s going to happen in 2014, but all of those things? They make me feel alive and so I’m going to keep doing that and see where they take me.