Random Thoughts In Disjointed Fashion

1) I haven’t written – truly written, here, in ages and I’m sad about that. Things happened – not good things. Things that sent me spiraling back into dealing with C-PTSD flare ups, a lot of tears, and a lot of fear, and a lot of disappointment and unsafe feelings. I write poetry on my tumblr and a lot of it is me processing that, but in order to actually be able to…move on? I need to be able to write here, authentically, because as good a place as tumblr is to store poetry, this is my little home on the internet, and if I can’t be real here, then, it’s bad. So maybe sometime I’ll write about what it was that’s kept me from writing for almost exactly a month.

2) I’m putting together all of the things for a kickstarter. I bought new clothes today for next season as well (ADORBS – and I got an adorable PJ set, not related, but so comfy). I know what I want to do next season, and I think it’s pretty cool – new schedule, more fun things. Right now I’m working on doing the math and figuring out the rewards so I can submit my application and go from there.

3) OH MY GOD, GO SEE PACIFIC RIM RIGHT NOW.

I am obsessed with Kaiju. Also, it’s basically Warmachine V Hordes and IT IS AWESOME SO GO SEE IT. SEE IT IN 3D AND/OR IMAX. Caps are required for proper emphasis.

4) I got Sims 3 on Saturday for my 3DS and it’s so addicting and fun. I’m trying to wean myself off lego games, but I still needed something that I could play that required neither focus, nor emotional energy – just something relaxing. However, I’m very emotionally involved with my sim, but, it’s in a living-vicariously kinda way, so it’s actually fun and not OH NO I DESTROYED MY CHANCE AT PEACEFUL RELATIONS.

5) Modesty is a hot topic (heh) on the internet lately. Which is good. It needs to be talked about. I have strong opinions on the subject, but it’s also reallly draining and stressful – because modesty is just one of many things bound up in this mess of “womens issues” and I feel keenly aware of the fact that because I have boobs means that people feel like they can decide things for me. Modesty is just one of many. It’s devastating to realize that because I am anatomically female, my voice counts less and I am also held to a higher standard of argument. I suppose this is why I don’t argue as much through blogging – because it requires a lot of polishing, and inside I’m just volatile because I am angry. I’m not angry actually, I’m raging, and I feel powerless, and I don’t know what to do to fix it.

I usually subscribe to just letting my existence speak for itself and challenge the misogynistic beliefs of the people I interact with, but, some of those people are so entrenched in their stereotyping that they can’t see me.

I feel powerless because my female voice is ignored when I talk about things that relate to me and my body and my rights as a person. I hate this feeling. I can’t put into words how much it bothers me – how much it triggers me, and how much it hurts to not be able to think of something I can do to change it (without sending myself into a stress and depression inducing loop).

6) Site redesign! I spent all day Thursday on it. I’ve integrated my portfolio into the site completely (I think, I can’t remember if I forgot something), my latest Youtube upload is featured automagically, the blog is on a blog page, the front page has a couple comics, I’m really happy with how it turned out. The last thing I need to do is figure out how to integrate my comic blog into this site because two sites are hard and confusing to manage. I may need to use some dark magic to get it to happen.

It’s funny because I go between pushing things out to separate places, and then reeling everything back into one again. Over and over. Right now though, I like having everything in one place, it’s easier to find all of my things, and also enables me to feature everything I want to feature easily either on the front page or on the portfolio page (or the comics page/blog) which I really like.

7) I will art for money. If you haven’t seen that yet. Portfolio or homepage for you. 🙂

One comment

  1. Whenever I read your thoughts, I feel as if you’ve reached deep inside of me & pulled out an integral part of me & put into words my ever changing raging explosive agonizing wordless emotions. We are woman hear me roar!!

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