Yearly Archives: 2012

163 posts

Women are less

Growing up in a religious conservative circle taught me this ever so explicitly. They would try to water it down and say “no you’re equal, but different” the place of women is in the home, in the kitchen, pregnant or raising children. Not in the “world”, not working, not doing anything that would in any way put her in equal standing with men.
This article makes me sad – no, angry because it’s true.
People very close to me believe, truly, that women are in some way stupid and need men for guidance. I was taught that women are “easily mislead” and thus need men to teach them and “lead” them the right way. Like we are animals to be trained, or horses to be broken. It follows that women, once they reach adulthood, should not be listened to – that it’s okay to completely write them off as “emotional”, “misguided”, or “hormonal” – it’s all too easy to take anything anyone with a vagina has to say and instead of taking them seriously, say they’re just whining, not happy, or one of those evil feminists not worth listening to.
It’s taken me years to come to terms with my womanhood, with the fact that I have the horrible ability to reproduce within my body. It’s taken longer to accept the fact that I am human, and that as a human I have value – that isn’t reliant on whether or not I have a penis on my body.
Unfortunately, I still find myself in circles, exposed to the lies of my youth – who believe that women are for reproducing, teaching, cooking, cleaning, and if you’re lucky, making things and maybe having an in-home business selling house-wifely things like sewn goods, jewelry, or food.
I take issue with the god I grew up with. The god who decided that as part of “the curse” women will be in horrible pain during their reproductive cycle, while men just have the “curse” of pulling weeds or  “hard labor”, and the snake lost its legs. I can’t separate the misogyny of the religion of my youth, with what may or may not be true about christianity. I can not see god as loving when he inflicts half the population with a lower status, half a life of pain, and sets them up for being written off and told they’re stupid until the end of the earth.  People say Jesus raised the status of women, which, in the culture of his day may be true, but people who are supposed to be “like Jesus” massively fail and take the easy way of misogyny as written in the apostles over the example of the deity they claim to love and serve with all their heart and soul.
Women are “equal” in the sense that they are “people”, complete the largest chunk of reproduction, and in christianity have “equal access to god”. But in practice? Women are less, women are challenged and put down when they say things or step outside of the box, they’re labeled and personally attacked when they “make a crack in the glass ceiling”. Because  women being assertive is not allowed, still. Women having a voice, or control over their own body is still frowned upon.
Things I thought were resolved with the suffrage movement and the right to vote are resurfacing in this election and it hurts. It makes me feel ashamed to be a woman (scared, even), having been born with boobs and without a penis makes me feel trapped. I feel like everywhere I turn I hear old men, and some women trying to fit me into a box – the box I worked so hard, and wrestled with and tore myself apart over to escape. The box I’m still trying to completely escape – because completely leaving a gender box is more than just one process – it’s many, over a lifetime.
I don’t talk about feminism, womanhood, or anything like that very much, because a large part of myself has rejected the idea of gender. Because gender does. not. matter. At the very least, it should not matter. We are all human. We are all entitled to the same rights and opinions and control over our own bodies. We all have the right to say no – we do not deserve to be stepped on and half of the population does not deserve to be stripped of their rights just because their genitalia is different. Women are not more prone to misguidance or stupidity than men, nor vice versa. People are prone to flaws. People ARE flawed and we all have traits that are unique to our personalities, not our gender.
I’m tired of being subtly told I’m less, of being subtly hinted to that I should live in a box. I’m tired of watching men in power debate over whether or not I am smart enough to decide what happens to my body and when. I’m tired of people protecting the embryos that my body painfully destroys on a monthly basis, to the extent that it lessens my value and my rights as a fully existing person. I’m tired of people telling me that I’ll “get over it” and want to reproduce, I’m tired of people frowning at and judging me because I’m different and do not fit in the box I was supposed to belong to. I’m tired of people treating me as though I am the same clone, as though I’ll come around and find my rightful place in the stifling box of conservative womanhood. I’m tired of people thinking that they can speak, act and think for me because I cannot think for myself.
I’m tired of people lessening my value as a human being because I have decided not to have children – or trying to justify it because I’m young and I’ll “change my mind”.
All these messages, all the subtext just continue to beat me down, to tell me that my past was right, I am less because I am woman, I am even more less because I reject that being female dictates the way I live my life. It doesn’t matter how much you verbally affirm “women are equal (but different)” when you say, believe, and act in a way that demonstrates otherwise. Women are equal when they live in a box, but that is not equality at all, and I thought we were past that.

Quilting. (or busy kiery is busy)

I’m thinking I’m going to try and do a mystery quilt this fall/winter.
So far, the rest of the year looks like this:
Work
Film for two (going on 3?) web series
Read some fantasy books on my list (or if all else fails, comic books – I did this last year when I was working, before bed, it was great for unwinding and sleeping without the “I’m going to stay up until 3am to finish this!” side effect)
Game night thursdays (and the occasional Warmachine night/tournament) and WoW/random video games with people – I foresee a good bit of halo.
Quilting (or crocheting or whatever)
And general artsyness, including my show on Friday.
Holidays and gingerbread and shopping are in there somewhere too. 🙂
It feels a little crazy, a little overwhelming and I get a little tired and scared at the thought, but mostly I’m really excited because I like this, I like being busy and doing things – I have some of my coming paychecks already spoken for: backing a few indiegogo/kickstarter projects, Mystery Quilt, and Mists of Pandaria and more than likely GW2 and a phone upgrade…and presents, and art supplies, and clothes, and tech. This is what I spend my money on guys – This is also what I do with my life and I love it, I think it’s fun and that’s a good thing.
If posting is scarce until January (you never know with these things), you know why.
 

Fantasy and SciFi Book List

To read or finish in no particular order:

Inheritance Circle: Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance
Lord of The Rings (finish)
The Hobbit
Game of Thrones (finish)
Artemis Fowl
Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
Enders Game
1984 (finish)
Name of the Wind
The Sandman
The Mists of Avalon
Rangers Apprentice
Inkheart
Leviathan Wakes
Faery Rebels

I’d like to complete this list by next year and maybe start reading some Vaginal Fantasy books with the club. 😉 I think that finishing the books I have on hand, and The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making is the first order of business, and then more trips to the library! I haven’t been there in a long time and I miss it.

Future/Recommendations list:

Redshirts
Old Man’s War series
Snowcrash
Ready Player One

The Similarion
Dragonriders of Pern
Legend of Drizzt

brb reading
 

:)

I keep feeling like writing but get distracted by changing my theme. I’m happy with this one, it looks nice, it’s fluid, and works on my iphone. Although the background is less flowly in landscape, but I added a color so it doesn’t look bad. Best in portrait though.

A rose in armor

This is the progression – from concept to finish (with a blurry note in between) of my latest painting.
progression of art
It’s 6×6 Acrylic on a gallery wrapped canvas. It’s a weird image, two things that don’t really go together, but this is how I’ve pictured myself for most of my life – a rose hidden inside armor – and now, as the rose peeks out through the helm, for the first time and experiences life and sunlight and wind.

Waxing Eloquent

I have a secret language that I speak inside my head. When I’m feeling brave, I write this way. It’s my own kind of prose, words have a rhythm and sentences flow. Phrases turn and swirl into what I like to call my butterfly language. When I’m honest and I write like this, I feel like it looks weird on paper screen, I’ve only gotten a few good responses when I use this language – I’m afraid it doesn’t make sense. Which is why most of my writing style is more train-of-thought like.
I’ve been introspective lately, and vulnerable – not in a bad way, just….my heart keeps emerging from my chest and wanting to place itself on my sleeve. It’s fluttering about looking for a place to land, leaving me feeling insecure and causing awkward (to me) social hiccups which I, in turn, overcompensate for.

It’s a new stage of me, just like a caterpillar coming out of a cocoon and realizing it’s a butterfly.  The confusion, the vulnerability of feeling so open and exposed, and yet so alive. The first few moments of flying, or attempting to fly probably result in somewhat embarrassing moments – colliding with the earth and bumping into plants, I imagine they feel a little over apologetic too, in this growing stage.
But I realized, as I’ve had a lot of time to think, that this is a good sign. It means I’m evolving, I’m becoming myself and growing. More importantly, I’m growing braver, my masks are coming off and I’m still flying a little awkwardly, still fighting oh so many insecurities that come with exposing myself, my soul coughs and makes messes, but that’s okay.
I am in a vulnerable existence, but one that is very much alive. I will use my prose voice and wax as eloquent as I wish, because…..why not?

Permission to rest

I’ve been sick with a cold-like-thing for almost two weeks, the symptoms themselves aren’t horrid, it’s just that I have no energy and end up completely exhausted after doing one thing that involves moving around.
Last week I had a physical and a pap smear which was exciting. Good news is: my BMI is good and my physical went smashingly, I got to talk to someone about my hormonal issues and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants (which is good! progress!). Bad news: I still have a cold, pap smear was painful, and antidepressants make me dizzy.
I’ve been subconsciously stressed which doesn’t help. What happens is, when I’m sick I feel bad for two reasons: one, I’m sick, and secondly, because I don’t have enough energy or the ability to live up to the expectations I have of myself, or the plans that I have.
I can barely wash dishes right now without exhausting myself, but I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to meet with people I generally meet with, or do things I generally do, or function at as high a capacity as I want to.
I feel bad because it’s been so long and I still have no energy and feel bad and it happened right after I had already felt bad due to hormones, so I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything for about a month, which sends me back into the guilt spiral which makes me feel worse psychologically and physically (and the two are so closely related in my body, it’s not even funny).
I really want to do things, and go places, and I’m so tired of not feeling well and not being able to, but that’s not changing unless I can rest and not subconsciously stress about it.
So, I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me (and mostly, my patience to myself – but I’m so relieved when I realize I’m not letting anyone down, because I don’t want to let people down. unless I am, if I am, I’m SO SORRY! o.O) – I’m trying to get better but I think in that I’m making it worse. I’m already starting to stress about the next KieryGeek episode because it primarily depends on whether or not I can get to Salem this weekend and I need to stop.
I need to just give myself a break and not make myself feel obligated to do things, even though I badly badly want to.