To read or finish in no particular order:
Inheritance Circle: Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance
Lord of The Rings (finish)
Game of Thrones (finish)
Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
Name of the Wind
The Mists of Avalon
I’d like to complete this list by next year and maybe start reading some Vaginal Fantasy books with the club. 😉 I think that finishing the books I have on hand, and The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making is the first order of business, and then more trips to the library! I haven’t been there in a long time and I miss it.
Old Man’s War series
Ready Player One
Dragonriders of Pern
Legend of Drizzt
This is the progression – from concept to finish (with a blurry note in between) of my latest painting.
It’s 6×6 Acrylic on a gallery wrapped canvas. It’s a weird image, two things that don’t really go together, but this is how I’ve pictured myself for most of my life – a rose hidden inside armor – and now, as the rose peeks out through the helm, for the first time and experiences life and sunlight and wind.
I have a secret language that I speak inside my head. When I’m feeling brave, I write this way. It’s my own kind of prose, words have a rhythm and sentences flow. Phrases turn and swirl into what I like to call my butterfly language. When I’m honest and I write like this, I feel like it looks weird on
paper screen, I’ve only gotten a few good responses when I use this language – I’m afraid it doesn’t make sense. Which is why most of my writing style is more train-of-thought like.
I’ve been introspective lately, and vulnerable – not in a bad way, just….my heart keeps emerging from my chest and wanting to place itself on my sleeve. It’s fluttering about looking for a place to land, leaving me feeling insecure and causing awkward (to me) social hiccups which I, in turn, overcompensate for.
It’s a new stage of me, just like a caterpillar coming out of a cocoon and realizing it’s a butterfly. The confusion, the vulnerability of feeling so open and exposed, and yet so alive. The first few moments of flying, or attempting to fly probably result in somewhat embarrassing moments – colliding with the earth and bumping into plants, I imagine they feel a little over apologetic too, in this growing stage.
But I realized, as I’ve had a lot of time to think, that this is a good sign. It means I’m evolving, I’m becoming myself and growing. More importantly, I’m growing braver, my masks are coming off and I’m still flying a little awkwardly, still fighting oh so many insecurities that come with exposing myself, my soul coughs and makes messes, but that’s okay.
I am in a vulnerable existence, but one that is very much alive. I will use my prose voice and wax as eloquent as I wish, because…..why not?
I’ve been sick with a cold-like-thing for almost two weeks, the symptoms themselves aren’t horrid, it’s just that I have no energy and end up completely exhausted after doing one thing that involves moving around.
Last week I had a physical and a pap smear which was exciting. Good news is: my BMI is good and my physical went smashingly, I got to talk to someone about my hormonal issues and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants (which is good! progress!). Bad news: I still have a cold, pap smear was painful, and antidepressants make me dizzy.
I’ve been subconsciously stressed which doesn’t help. What happens is, when I’m sick I feel bad for two reasons: one, I’m sick, and secondly, because I don’t have enough energy or the ability to live up to the expectations I have of myself, or the plans that I have.
I can barely wash dishes right now without exhausting myself, but I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to meet with people I generally meet with, or do things I generally do, or function at as high a capacity as I want to.
I feel bad because it’s been so long and I still have no energy and feel bad and it happened right after I had already felt bad due to hormones, so I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything for about a month, which sends me back into the guilt spiral which makes me feel worse psychologically and physically (and the two are so closely related in my body, it’s not even funny).
I really want to do things, and go places, and I’m so tired of not feeling well and not being able to, but that’s not changing unless I can rest and not subconsciously stress about it.
So, I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me (and mostly, my patience to myself – but I’m so relieved when I realize I’m not letting anyone down, because I don’t want to let people down. unless I am, if I am, I’m SO SORRY! o.O) – I’m trying to get better but I think in that I’m making it worse. I’m already starting to stress about the next KieryGeek episode because it primarily depends on whether or not I can get to Salem this weekend and I need to stop.
I need to just give myself a break and not make myself feel obligated to do things, even though I badly badly want to.
I’ve been sick since last Friday with a cold. I’ve quarantined myself from most of the people I would usually hang out with in order to spare any exposure. I’ve been trying to rest, emphasis on trying.
Meanwhile, I’ve been itching to paint but have had no energy to. The drive to put something on canvas is just welling up inside, and I feel like I would burst if it weren’t for the being really tired part. The weather, the rain, seeing, that’s been happening lately, noticing little details – the textures of rocks on the beach, the piercing blue eyes of an actor, that Jeremy Renner has really got the looking-cool-while-pointing-objects-thing down, those moments when you accidentally make eye contact with someone, or weirdly connect.
I like piercing eyes, human moments, connection…..little things that we generally ignore and brush over, little things that in some place in my soul, well up and make me come alive.