Altogether too personal (TMI warning)

I’ve been dealing with very bad hormonal imbalance since March of last year. It goes up and down depending on how much ability I have to ignore it and how long I can go before taking handfuls of supplements every day starts to wear on me.

The last couple months (including the last 10 days) I’ve started reaching my threshold again – being really tired of having to put up with vanishing for what feels like half a month every month because my body takes over and I become a grumpy-as-hell-bitch-who-feels-sick-alot-and-doesn’t-want-to-be-with-people which is the complete opposite of my normal personality. I haven’t been as good with remembering my vitamins since June when I restocked on supplements and went on vacation and my schedule’s been shifty since.

Now, I think half of the reason I’m not taking them is out of spite and because a bit of my subconscious thinks it can force itself into balancing hormonally by sheer willpower.

I have severe PMS which I internalize because when I forget to keep it locked up, I end up hurting people. The problem is, it’s residual and starts when I ovulate, which is much too early. I feel like I only have 2 weeks a month where I’m myself and I try to get as much done as possible because the rest of the time I feel like I’m basically debilitated and my brain doesn’t want to function and I’m out of energy.

I start questioning any and all of my abilities including my ability to work – and no matter how many times I prove to myself that I can maintain enough brain function to work and produce a web series while not feeling well (as long as I don’t push myself too much physically) I still question and it mentally freezes me. I feel completely useless because I don’t have the energy to basic things like that pile of smelly dishes (because I have to save the energy for other things).

More importantly, I become depressed and stop seeing myself as human. I’m at that point now. I think I could deal with most of the crap my body and pms throws at me if it weren’t for that one threshold I always cross; every month, to varying degrees of worse-ness.

On the off-chance that I have a particularly calm day, I start to worry that I’m going back to last year, when I was in a constant state of PMS but with no period to make it go away for 6 months at a time, until I figured out how to trigger it (black cohosh).

So I’m in a constant horrible spiral of wanting to get better and not be miserable, but then getting scared when I have a good day during those two-weeks-of-death because of fear I might be regressing.

I hate *loathe* that my hormones and body have this much control over me. And it makes feel awful. I hate myself right now, so very very much because I can’t fix it. I’m so tired of taking things that only sort of work and even then it’s still horrid.  I hate myself because as hard as I try to keep a lid on the horror raging within, I can’t do it all the time and I lash out at Alex and I’m mean without intending to be. I return his concern with harshness because I have too many things to process inside to answer simple questions in a way that isn’t full of complete annoyance.

I’m depressed because I can’t stop this feeling that half of my life is spent not bring me, and not living, because I can’t.

I have a physical this month, and I don’t even know where to start or how to mention this but I half feel like I should, and half feel like it’s my burden to deal with for the rest of my life and the world would be better off not knowing.

Excuse me while I go live under a rock for until I feel like coming out again.

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7 thoughts on “Altogether too personal (TMI warning)

  1. I know what that feels like. Granted my pms is not that bad every month. But when it is I just want to climb in a hole and never come out. When you go see your doctor just blurt it out and don’t over think it. That helps me.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  2. Definitely mention it at your physical! That’s what doctors are there for.

    … i know a bit of what you’re going through as postpartum can be very similar before pms finally decides to stop teasing me and let my period return.

  3. Hey Krierstyn,
    I used to have terrible PMS (exactly like you describe) and horrid cramps (not being able to get out of bed for about 7 days), and periods that refused to come (and when they came, came at horrible times)! And I was able to fix most of these things by going on the pill. I don’t know if that is an option you are comfortable with but the pill controlled my hormones and forced my body to be on a normal/regular cycle. I’m not nearly as raging or angry when I PMS it’s normal, and my cramps are normal (easily controlled with a simple advil) and I haven’t had to deal with skipping periods and other badness (bloating and bleeding at terrible times). So I totally understand, and if you are comfortable with that option, I would encourage you to look into a low dose two hormone pill as it worked wonders for me 🙂 If you have any questions that you don’t feel comfortable asking your doctor I might have the answer as I’ve been dealing with this for years. Feel free to email/facebook/or call if Alex has my number

    1. Yeah, I’ve tried that – and it did help, but I stopped taking it last March for health reasons, which sort of brought all the craziness back. I’ve never had good or easy periods, especially psychologically, but it’s sort of been things on top of each other since because my hormones weren’t able to make all the stuffs for a year as well as naturally being unbalanced in one way or another. <3