internal combustion

I’m afraid that the honest expression of my most vehement feelings against the things that crush my soul will (and do) make other people feel invalidated. I don’t want that to be, but at the same time, I want to be able to express myself. I don’t know if there’s room for both.

I react so violently inside to the entire concept of spawning. I have no room for children in my life or in my heart. I know myself well enough to know that even (and especially) in the case of an accident it would not be a good thing for me, my personality, or my internal life. I would lose it completely and I might hate the child, which wouldn’t be healthy or in anyone’s best interest on the whole. The idea of “creating” a “family” repels and repulses me. And I’ve spent 10 years of my life practically raising other people’s kids. I can’t do it anymore and keep myself and my sanity.

But I don’t want this completely personal sentiment to make people who have kids and have room in their heart for them to feel bad or less valid.

5 comments

  1. Well, this might not be in relation to me at all, but you don’t make me feel invalidated – I actually am concerned I perhaps make you feel that way. I want children so badly, and have wanted them as long as I can remember, so it is hard for me to grasp someone not wanting them. I have the temptation to believe you will “grow out of it” or “change your mind” and not actually give you the respect and consideration you deserve as a person. You are a different person than I am – you have had different experiences, and even the experiences we may have shared shaped us into different people. I try to remind myself of this when I see statements like that, but if I am ever hurtful or disrespectful in how I respond to you please call me on it.

    You are a creative, funny, amazing woman and choosing to do other things with your life other than procreate don’t make you any less. Actually, for you, you’re probably better able to be the Kiery God created you to be without children – you are able to fully nurture your creativity and personhood without having to worry about caring for someone weaker and unable to care for themself. 🙂

    1. <3 it's definitely not you :) - it's just a culmination of a *ton* of people I know being pregnant and having kids all at once. I've spent the last year (literally) avoiding them because I'm afraid that I'll somehow hurt them with my inability to process everything in a way that doesn't make my stomach turn.

      The googler sparked an interesting twitter conversation and I realized that I'm just afraid that I'm off-putting to people with kids and I don't want to be just because I'm not designed to have them (but at the same time, I'd like to be able to be not-designed-to-have-them in peace ;)).

      It's not that I don't like taking care of people either, I want to be their cheerleader and help them be themselves (whatever it is!) - I just, want to help people who currently exist.... ;)

  2. thank you for your honesty K! Ur a brave woman! Personally, I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of or apologetic about. This is who ur & ppl are either gonna have to accept it or not. If you feel you have hurt these ppl I get that but knowing you & your heart you have never intentionally aimed to do so. You have gone through alot & I know many of the baby ppl understand & get it. I do! You are allowed to feel the way you feel not to want babies. I love that you want to find a balance of helping validating, whatever you wanna call it, these baby ppl but @ the same time keep your integrity. You have a lot of integrity truth realness creativity & funness in you! I love your heart & all ur trying to do is be true to u honest with the world & heal. ur doing an amazing job & i appreciate u sharing & being vulnerable with us. ur trulely a gem & im so honored to know u K.

  3. Upon further reflection, I think the real reason I’m so concerned about my life invalidating others (in the area of children), is because I know that my mom is looking to me to validate her life choices by making the same ones. Which is something I simply can’t do, so I think that I subconsciously believe that all people with families feel the same way and anyone who doesn’t have children and is the slightest bit vocal about it makes them feel less valid.

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